Womanly Confidence

Ninja was visiting his family down south and is staying with some friends in the suburbs 'til tomorrow or some-such. I had a nice stay with my family and friends for the holidays - I got some lovely quality time and some not-so-quality time. That's the way it is, you know?

I was chatting to him online a few days ago when I heard Brat Roommate and Pornstar Roommate having loud lesbian sex in Pornstar's room. They shower together and walk around naked all the time, I'd just never been around them actually getting it on. Until then. I mentioned it to him and he asked, "You going to join in?"

He's joked about me sleeping with other people before, and it never sat well with me. So I asked him why he said that, and he said he wondered if it was true.

My jaw fell on the floor.

Not that he really thought about it, or "whatever." Just that he thought there were "clues" and that he wondered if I was unfaithful. These clues?

"You've been pretty loose," and he figured something "big" must have been in there.

I love this boy to the moon and back. But Jesus on the bloody cross, I can't believe he thought that. I can't fucking believe it.

You can get loose from a BABY'S HEAD ripping out your twat, but I'm pretty sure only the most monsterous of cocks would leave a mark. Maybe if, say, I walked around with a cucumber up my vag all day long. But, you know, I'm pretty normal. I don't do that. So the looseness thing mystifies me; guess I'll have to do more Kegals.

But cheating. He thought I could be cheating on him. I'm broken.

We then went on to converse about my fitness. Great tangent, right? The first year of college I gained five pounds, but it didn't sit well on me. I took the stairs, went on walks around the city, partook in a free kickboxing class, but it happened. That's what I get for living cheaply and buying pasta and cafeteria food. I started becoming unattractive to him, he admitted.

Throughout our being long-distance I'd take sexy pictures for him. During that time, I got self-conscious, but he'd keep asking for them, telling me he'd see me as I was. Made me feel better, you know? Wanted. Okay. But really, I guess half the time he was lying.

I can't fault him for his preferences, but where's the elbow room? Can I compete with that? When am I actually what he wants?

Since starting boxing I've changed for the better. I am happier, I eat better, I'm much more confident. I think I'm looking pretty damn good now, and will only get better because I only get more and more motivated. But that sucked. I've been thinking about it ever since.

It has nothing to do with love, but all to do with being in a sexual relationship. Joy.