No Joke, I'm Really Shy

"You don't touch me," he said quietly. We were in my room, laying in my bed and looking at his laptop. "I'm always grabbing your boobs and loving on you, but you don't hardly touch me."

I was taken aback. What a claim! But - I had to pause. Perhaps not so much a false claim as a true one. I do much more loving-on in my head than real life, that's for sure.

He sounded quite disappointed and his voice had quieted. I rolled my head into his arm. "For claiming to think about it so much you sure don't act on it. Nine times out of ten I'm the one initiating things," he continued. I shriveled up.

"I'm shy," was my only explanation. I am! My thoughts are a universe unto themselves and I'd rather hole it all up and wait for him to assure me he wants me than put myself out on a limb and risk the admittedly small chance of rejection. And even at that rejection is a harsh term.

"It's not like I'd tell you to stop," he rolled his eyes and mocked, "Oh no, stop that Emily, I don't like it when you do that!" I laughed. Okay, okay, he made sense. And hearing myself try to explain things didn't help my case... really, what justification do I have in not making the first move?

There never is justification apart from "I don't want to do something you don't like." I've always been this way in many facets of my life, but I've been getting better, haha. But this here is still a challenge for me.

I've owed him a blowjob for a couple days. I was going to. I was going to. I thought about it all day. Right now? Okay, how about after the movie. Oh wait, he turned away. Maybe in the morning? Again and again I'd find excuses to disappoint myself and find the opportunity missed. Bummer.

So after the discussion last night he mentioned the IOU BJ and I told him if he woke up in the morning that he'd get some head. He shook his head and said that I could just wake him up and do it - once again, not like he'd stop me. And I'm guessing if I love being woken up by his cock, he'd be okay with being woken up with my lips around him. Okay, go for the gold!

...I woke up for class and asked him if he was getting up. He wasn't. My body buzzed. I showered, I shaved, I trimmed. I came back into my room and watched him sleep, all stretched out in my gold sheets and looking like a god.

...And I didn't end up giving him a blowjob. And now I'm all pissed at myself, I really just really want to suck him off. But he's in class and I don't know when I'll see him. What a disappointment I am to myself! And him, the poor boy. He just wants his girlfriend to do what she wants. I want to wait outside his dorm and drag him away with me. I want him bad. I need to go play with myself now.