HEATHEN!

"Hey mom, so, just for future reference, Ninja would like to come back some time to see his old friends... would he be able to stay with me? [quieter] ...in my room?"

(Mother sighs) "I went through this with your brother. He is more than welcome to stay in the house, but he'll have to sleep on the couch."

(I cringe) "...you know we're moving in together..."

"I know you are, but it's my morals and my house. I don't want you in the same bed, I don't want it in my house."

"What, you don't trust us?" I mean, I guess I could try to not have sex in the house... ohyeahright

"It's not that I don't trust you, but you're not married and it's my morals. If you want a night together, you can rent a motel."

Morals? My mom's morals? Since when did she get religious? And I really love that she said she didn't want "it" in her house. Like it's a curse or drugs or something.

I'm glad I never really experienced her sex-negative views while I was growing up. We just never talked about sex (I've still never had The Talk with my parents) and I started masturbating early enough to grow a healthy affection for it behind her back. I'd hate to be so wigged out by the thought of people sleeping together.

It's not like we can't have sex during the day, anyway. FOR SPITE. SPITE SPITE SPITE.

Days like this I wonder how I ever got conceived.