My Downfall

I am, and have always been, an insecure person. Unsure of myself, more willing to hold back than give out, quick to assume the worst and disbelieving of the best. I can't say it has stemmed from some personal incident, or my upbringing. I wasn't picked on as a child, my parents always told me to do my best and that was all they wanted. Nothing sticks out to me that could have pushed me to become this way.

But I live my life afraid of embarrassment, shame, and vulnerability. I'm not sure now Ninja did it, but he has worked to get me out of my shell. Regardless, the level to which I inhibit myself, well, it is my downfall. In the two and a half years we have been together, I have but a handful of times peed with him around - on the other hand, I have held his penis in my very hands while he did his business. He'll belt out all the songs he knows in his cute, breaking untrained voice, while through all my years of choral singing, I'm still reluctant to sing on my own, despite his persistent begging.

For the most part, Ninja is all-accommodating to me and my wishes. My problem is, I bet you can guess, that I don't voice them. I leave little twisted signals and wish that he could hear my thoughts. The trippy thing is that sometimes I swear he can, and up 'til now, he's put up with my silliness and continues to gently coax me into communicating. I think that part of what had me fall in love with him was his confidence and calm curiosity. Time and time again, from the very beginning, if something was exploding in my thoughts, and he would ask me what was wrong, I would say "Nothing." But he knew better, and still does, and though we play that game far less often than we used to, he still has to take my head into his hands and have me look at him and not lie when something is on my mind.

This, of course, floods into our sex life. Why can't I orgasm? I'm not clear on all the answers, but I know deep down that it is because I am embarassed. My face looks weird, my body looks weird, it would take too long. I have masturbated to orgasm twice in his presence, and the last time was over a year ago, and I was such a bundle of nerves that it took ages and I've not done it since, having shamed myself. I've masturbated on video for him a handful of times, while we were long-distance, and however permanent it is, I got a small amount of relief in the fact that I could preview it and make sure I didn't look like an alien.

I know it bothers Ninja. It bothers me too. And that just makes it worse. I can't ask him to go down on me, I can't ask him to finger me, I can't ask because I have collected in my memory clips of instances when he's laughed at me harmlessly, or made an innocent comment, and in twisting them to negativity it trumps the good and pleasure and will he has shown to make me happy.

I just can't let go and relax, give myself fully into him. I'm worried about my breath, my body, my expressions, the time. I cherish making love so much, and I think endlessly of sex with him. But despite all that, I'm still too fucking embarrassed to give both of us the satisfaction of my orgasm.

I know these things, and I analyse them often. But as for really getting over it, I'm still not in the right direction. But he is all the more my soulmate for putting up with it.