Don't drink when you haven't eaten in two days. I had one glass and I was on the floor of the kitchen, a crying mess. Ninja gave me a towel to clean up with (I'd already dropped the rest of my vodka on the floor by that point) and left, after asking if he could do anything, to which I'm assuming I never replied. What could he do, anyway? The damage is done.
I hadn't gotten drunk in almost two years. Next time, I'll make sure it's under a healthy circumstance.
We are currently under an agreement that we will ride out the lease and he'll just be gone most of the time.
I'm feeling okay, quite happy in most respects. I guess there is a dreary sense of "relief" I have in that my care and worries and neediness for him don't hang on me much now. He'd always wanted his independence and we were working towards a better way of cohabiting... but it turns out he'd rather just spend the night at another girl's house. Regardless, it was tiring, battling all the time, stifling wishes to call him and arrange outings and all those other things I loved so much. My heart would race for him, I would plan our dinners, I would think all day of the chance to lay by his side next, only for it to not be that night. Acting like a wife, when it was too premature of me. This was my reward.
But then, coupled with that is the momentous sense of failure I have. I wanted, I lusted, I loved, I cared, and it just wasn't mean to be. If this hadn't split us up, it's become blatantly apparent that his moving Down South for school certainly would have. But I tried, I really tried. And I have sacrificed and forgiven and ignored, all in the name of Love and Trust. And I failed. It was silly of me to have thought my relationship would be different from everyone else's. What a waste of optimism.
When I've done all that, who would really want me?
Bitterness aside, logically I know that I am young, and this too shall pass.
In the mean time, masturbation awaits, along with finals.
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3 comments:
"When I've done all that, who would really want me?"
The short answer to that is: lots of guys.
What you have done is no crime. Quite the opposite. Many people would love to have a partner who loved, cared, trusted, and was prepared to forgive and compromise.
Sounds like the basis for a strong relationship one day.
The bottom line for me when looking for a partner is working out what I want in a partner, then only dating people who fit the bill.
Just don't expect that you will change someone and (in my experience) things have a better chance of working out.
Anyway, good to hear that you are sorting things out. Keep your chin up!
I wish you the best of luck. Detox from him will be difficult. I wish I had more to say other than keep your head up, don't fall into a slump or forget to take care of yourself.
Thank you for your kind words.
I do need to figure out what I want in a partner; I hope I have learned from this experience. It's my fault if I haven't!
Maybe I just need to learn to say "No" more often.
We'll see what happens in the mean time.
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