If he never loved me, did we ever "make love"?
I don't often use that phrase - I suppose all the different terms for sex jumble around with different shades of meaning on them. It is a heavy, emotional phrase. Some people think it's bullshit. Me, I'm not sure what I think it means.
When we would sleep together, I would notice subtle details, and cherish the whole experience. The lighting, muscles moving underneath skin, sweat trickling, sheets twisting. I would reach my hands towards him and feel his torso, his abdomen, his face. Feel the stubble, touch his earlobes, crush my fingernails into his side, push his ass towards me as he thrusted. He would kiss my feet, nuzzle me, caress my breasts, look into me softly.
Even the last time we slept together, days after we had broken up and I knew it was so wrong wrong wrong to give into him, we did these things. While we were together, it felt to me that these things were a part of making love. I loved him. I thought he loved me.
But he didn't.
So, I feel angry at myself for thinking that it was love. I feel angry that the deception of love was so strong that I refused otherwise. I feel angry that being a woman, with passion, made me a victim.
There is most certainly a separation between love and sex. I don't believe at all that you need to love someone to have and enjoy sex with them. Many people live out this truth, and I have no problem with that.
But sometimes, sex is an expression of love. And I had thought that I had experienced that. It's just amazing to me that I was so fooled, and now all those feelings seem so far away.
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2 comments:
Perhaps the only thing to say is: if you are in a relationship with someone, or having sex, then what matters most is that you are doing it for the right reason (like truly caring for the person, finding them attractive, enjoying the moment), not for the wrong reasons (like not having to be alone, to make them happy etc).
From reading your blog it seems quite clear that you have been with Ninja for the RIGHT reasons.
Therefore, his motivation and actions don't really count. You can only be true to yourself. Everyone else has to look after themselves.
So, you were making love to him and that's a great thing :-) I say: treasure the memories for what they are and don't let his foolishness taint them.
You should reconsider that Ninja did not love you. Based on what I have read before he seemed very genuine with you.
You should also know that if he did cheat on you, it doesn't necessarily mean he didn't love you. Now whether or not you choose to forgive him on any level is another story, but with this being your first major relationship you may tempted to jump to the extremes of being the victim. You are hurt, and may be trying to make him into a monster in order to better deal with moving on.
The way he has stopped talking to you, and having made up a story to pit your other roommate against you are other signs of his grief. They are certainly seen as immature, but they are his way of dealing with the loss of someone he didn't want to lose.
That is just the two cents from someone who has been on both sides of your situation. If you cannot go on as friends then you can't, but you should remember the good things as good things, I'm sure he still the great guy you fell in love with, everyone fucks their lives up some time, and I confident he will miss all those good things too.
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