Me, and Five Other Women

I'm becoming slightly more aware of myself. And appreciative. I feel good, I look good. It makes me happy, and it makes me talkative, and it makes me feel alive.

I'm learning about myself, and what I like. What I like to wear, what I like to do, what I like to see. I suppose I had closed myself off, in my relationship. While he never told me what to wear, he'd (all within his rights) tell me if he didn't like something, and subsequently in my submissive ways I would try to do what he said he liked. It wasn't a control thing, I simply wanted to please him.

Now, I'm experimenting a little. I refuse to wear make-up, but I've got some nicer shoes, some nicer clothes, been putting some sweet polish on my nails. Little things I always enjoyed but rarely indulged in.

I was a wimp.

Being aware of myself, I have then become more aware of my surroundings. Ninja would relentlessly comment on whatever faintest male attention I would get when we were out, but I never had the slightest hint. I'm sure some of it was embellished before, but I'll notice now when a man does a double-take or stealthily looks at me in the reflection of a window. There are always the strange encounters of whistling and "damn!" while crossing paths.

It is difficult for me to assess how these events make me feel. I feel pleasure, certainly. Someone finds me attractive, that is nice. But, if they find me attractive enough to let me catch them looking at me, much less making a show of it with some holler... I'm sure they do it to many others. And it's meaningless. If one were to talk to me, I'm sure they've talked to dozens of other girls. And like that one guy who gave me his number a few months ago, I'm sure he's given it out to countless girls before.

I am just another girl to be looked at.

I felt so special when Ninja first started befriending me in our drawing class, three and a half years ago. Here was an attractive man, friendly, talented, talking to me. He was a social butterfly, indeed, but he took time out of his day to particularly get to know me. He hounded me, pursued me, and charmed me, and I felt special. I felt wanted, I felt so surprised! I resisted him, but he didn't give up. I thought that meant he must really have wanted me.

Instead, I imagine I just put up a good chase. He would talk to other women just the same as he spoke to me.

This is something I hope I will get over one day, but I can't help that believe that if anyone were to actually show real interest in me, that they would be playing me along with five other women. There is something to be said for dating casually and non-exclusively, sure. But how can you ever know if someone is faithful?

In that sense, I feel ruined. I can't fathom trusting someone's fidelity. I absolutely have no faith in it.

With that mindset, I know I can't go about seeing men. Of course, I am busy enough with my life and my self-awareness. It is my current path. I accept it and I welcome it every day.

I can, however, always trust the talented, faceless lovers of my fantasies!