He Came Clean

Be prepared for an emotion-driven post.

Ninja came clean to me this morning. Two days ago I'd asked him on a whim why he'd strung me along for so long, but he gave me no truthful answer as I had suspected.

Then, this morning, he woke me up with red, wet eyes. He said, "You wanted to know why I strung you along, now I will tell you..."

He explained to me from the beginning his antics. The situation turned out to be worse than I had thought, which is unsettling as it was bad enough. I started off as another girl to cheat on his other girlfriend with; then he fell in love with me because I was perfect, and then he picked me apart and found other girls without my flaws, because I was not making him happy anymore. And then he turned me into the previous girlfriend, a safety net for himself.

He uses women to make himself happy, and he does not know how to be happy himself.

I was glad that he told me these things; all I wanted from him was the truth. I knew all along things were not right, but I brainwashed myself. I wanted so badly to believe his words.

He feels lost, lonely, and scared. The Other Woman is another one that he has fallen in love with, but they're going to have to break up because they are moving out of New England. He wants things to work with her. He wondered if things would work with me one day, because apparently he loves me and didn't regret giving me a ring and telling me he loved me every day for years on end.

I was upset that he started to feel, to let his emotions be noticed, and that he felt guilt. He needs to feel guilty for what he did; otherwise, he would be a sociopath. But then he went backwards and said he wanted to do things for The Other Woman, to try to be with her. I said, "You are starting the cycle all over again. Just leave; forget her, forget me, and learn to love yourself."

After our conversation, I realized that my body had betrayed me. I hate myself for being attracted to him, when he has done me so much wrong. But I went a long, long time knowing these things and was always attracted to him. But now, with it in the open, I feel stupid that I could still find it in myself to want his touch. I am an idiot.

I masturbated this evening, and he came into my fantasy. He stayed there, 'til the end, and I cried after my orgasm subsided. He doesn't want me; I was a convenience for him. He could have had my body every day, but he still didn't enjoy me enough to be mine.

I wish I could have someone's touch, sometimes. I don't want someone to love me. I don't want someone to say that they love me. I don't want someone to lie to me. I just want someone to make my body feel good; to make my body feel right. Don't talk to me, don't confuse me, just touch me.

I can't have it, and I know I shouldn't. I just... I wish my body wasn't so sensitive to eroticism. I wish my body would turn off for now, because nobody will have me and treat me right.

But I am a sexual creature. I always have been. I don't need someone else to make me happy... I just wish I could satisfy my nature.