Last Tears

Ninja is gone. The last time I saw him was Thursday morning; he said he figured we didn't want him around, so he'd be gone and get a ride to the airport for his flight this morning. I stood there for a few minutes looking at him before I left for work; he'd lain down on the floor for some reason. I started to cry, and he grabbed my ankle and said, "I'll miss you too." I gave him a hug and left, still crying, to find my friend London waiting out the door for me, ready to give me a hug.

He texted me later on, saying again that he would miss me, and that he had wished he had appreciated what he had because I was "the shit." I replied that I would miss him, too, and something else... I don't remember.

The more I thought of things during the day, the better I felt. I recalled how I felt before he had confessed to me and reopened the wounds.

I came home to an empty house, with all of his things gone or left neglected, strewn on the floor and dusty. The emotions came back again; the sense of this huge event that was happening to me. The fear of the unknown, the fear that he will have taken a part of me that I'll never get back again. The fear of loneliness.

I took a shower and cried again, but once I turned off the water, my tears dried as well. This wasn't so huge for me; I was to continue living my life and loving what I did. I was not alone, I was not weak, and I was not dependent. I loved and will continue to do so. It was like a switch has been flipped.

I can imagine that a part of me will always love him. He is a thinker, he has talent, he has spirit. He was my first.

But things weren't right, and I've accepted all of those truths. I suppose it gives me c0nfidence, or something. I've been asked out by three different aquaintances in the past two weeks, haha.