A Mistake

Ninja is leaving in about 36 hours.

I'm not sure how I feel. He hasn't learned what he needs to, despite him going so far as to confess to me and verbalize what needs to be done. But his actions prove otherwise, and it cements the fact that I cannot trust him as he is. I hope he will learn what he needs to, truly, some day. I don't think he can do it on his own, and I hope he will set aside his pride and admit that. But who wants to do that?

We were talking two days ago. I asked him to not take either of my two matching chairs, and it turned into an argument, and then it turned into me crying, and then he hugged me to comfort me. Then he carried me to the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. It's a blur, but he began to kiss my neck, and I told him to please stop.

Please don't, please stop.

He said, he won't tell me he loves me. He wants me to feel pleasure. It's his gift to me, because I want it and he knows it.

I said, I don't need it. I don't want it, please stop. Don't do it, just do what you need to do, that's all I want, please stop.

But he didn't stop touching me, and I couldn't stop him, my body wanted it, his hands grasped my pelvis and his lips were on my ear, and then he removed my clothes and kissed my pussy, and my control fell away.

He pleased me for I don't know how long. And then he removed his pants, and came up to face me, and we kissed, and I felt him enter me and it was amazing. I missed those feelings, those sensations. Watching his cock disappear between my legs, seeing his shadow move over me, feeling the sheets stick to my skin.

And I felt pleasure.

I finally asked him to stop, and he pulled me up and hugged me again, sweating with me.

And then I felt empty. He had cheated on his girlfriend with me now, and I am a terrible person. He said it was nothing, it was a gift, he wanted me to feel good.

I did. But now I don't.

I feel terrible.