Taste + Touch

Clean Slate

2010-07-23T21:23:00.005-04:00

I landed a gorgeous 1 bedroom apartment in a fantastic new neighborhood, close to public transportation. I had Rufus and London come with me to measure things out, where I can put all my furniture. I'll be moving in soon after I get back from my trip Back Home next month, avoiding the September 1st rush.

I'm meeting people, and conversing with people. New people, old people. Being social, being happy. I feel unlike I have ever felt before. It is liberating.

Every morning when I walk past the construction workers taking their 9am break, they nod their head to me and keep their eyes on me. It's a little creepy, but a little exciting at the same time.

My long-term internet friend Dragon has admitted to me that he thinks he has a crush on me. I expected it to come out now that I'm single, and come out it did. I declined him gently; he is too timid even for me. Today, however, he admitted that he used photos of me to get off on. Being a poor Christian boy, he felt extremely guilty and felt the need to tell me. Being understanding of his fragile mentality about the whole thing, I told him his private business is his private business. But I did bid him not tell me much more about it; I can't much bear to think of him in a sexual way. I can only hope things won't escalate on his end, because I'm not interested in being anything other than his confidant. I'll keep his secrets, but not partake in them...

Another old friend of mine called me irresistably sexy, among other quite flattering, surprising things.

This time of complete singleness have been interesting, to say the least. And of all the times moves have been made on me, I've rejected them all. But, I did meet someone that I didn't want to reject. So, I did go out on a date with him, despite my previously established rule against it for whatever unforseen amount of time. Just to have some fun. But hells yeah, that date was worth it.

I will explain later...

Last Tears

2010-07-16T18:45:00.003-04:00

Ninja is gone. The last time I saw him was Thursday morning; he said he figured we didn't want him around, so he'd be gone and get a ride to the airport for his flight this morning. I stood there for a few minutes looking at him before I left for work; he'd lain down on the floor for some reason. I started to cry, and he grabbed my ankle and said, "I'll miss you too." I gave him a hug and left, still crying, to find my friend London waiting out the door for me, ready to give me a hug.

He texted me later on, saying again that he would miss me, and that he had wished he had appreciated what he had because I was "the shit." I replied that I would miss him, too, and something else... I don't remember.

The more I thought of things during the day, the better I felt. I recalled how I felt before he had confessed to me and reopened the wounds.

I came home to an empty house, with all of his things gone or left neglected, strewn on the floor and dusty. The emotions came back again; the sense of this huge event that was happening to me. The fear of the unknown, the fear that he will have taken a part of me that I'll never get back again. The fear of loneliness.

I took a shower and cried again, but once I turned off the water, my tears dried as well. This wasn't so huge for me; I was to continue living my life and loving what I did. I was not alone, I was not weak, and I was not dependent. I loved and will continue to do so. It was like a switch has been flipped.

I can imagine that a part of me will always love him. He is a thinker, he has talent, he has spirit. He was my first.

But things weren't right, and I've accepted all of those truths. I suppose it gives me c0nfidence, or something. I've been asked out by three different aquaintances in the past two weeks, haha.

A Mistake

2010-07-14T23:05:00.002-04:00

Ninja is leaving in about 36 hours.

I'm not sure how I feel. He hasn't learned what he needs to, despite him going so far as to confess to me and verbalize what needs to be done. But his actions prove otherwise, and it cements the fact that I cannot trust him as he is. I hope he will learn what he needs to, truly, some day. I don't think he can do it on his own, and I hope he will set aside his pride and admit that. But who wants to do that?

We were talking two days ago. I asked him to not take either of my two matching chairs, and it turned into an argument, and then it turned into me crying, and then he hugged me to comfort me. Then he carried me to the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. It's a blur, but he began to kiss my neck, and I told him to please stop.

Please don't, please stop.

He said, he won't tell me he loves me. He wants me to feel pleasure. It's his gift to me, because I want it and he knows it.

I said, I don't need it. I don't want it, please stop. Don't do it, just do what you need to do, that's all I want, please stop.

But he didn't stop touching me, and I couldn't stop him, my body wanted it, his hands grasped my pelvis and his lips were on my ear, and then he removed my clothes and kissed my pussy, and my control fell away.

He pleased me for I don't know how long. And then he removed his pants, and came up to face me, and we kissed, and I felt him enter me and it was amazing. I missed those feelings, those sensations. Watching his cock disappear between my legs, seeing his shadow move over me, feeling the sheets stick to my skin.

And I felt pleasure.

I finally asked him to stop, and he pulled me up and hugged me again, sweating with me.

And then I felt empty. He had cheated on his girlfriend with me now, and I am a terrible person. He said it was nothing, it was a gift, he wanted me to feel good.

I did. But now I don't.

I feel terrible.

My Palace

2010-07-10T21:05:00.003-04:00

I'm apartment hunting, for September. Ninja will be flying back to Texas in a week, leaving me and Architect Roommate to enjoy our apartment for a month and a half before our lease ends. I'm really looking forward to being able to have a place where I can bring people over and chill out and be social.

I have been looking for more roommate-type situations, as they are definitely cheaper. But, I found by chance a 1 bedroom that is only slightly out of my range.. and it has switched me on to having my own, private space. I had a deep fear of loneliness before; I would be depressed, sitting at my desk all day long with no one to talk to, to interact with. More connected to, no one to love me, no one to touch. No one to confide in.

But I made it so long without the security I thought I had, in reality. I was lonely with Ninja, desperate to feel unlonely, so I tried to spend all my time with him. Counterproductive, yes. And now that I am breaking out, I love myself in my free time, and I love going out and hanging out whenever I wish to with whomever I wish to. I don't feel lonely at all.

I can have my own place on my own terms, and enjoy being there. I can walk around naked without fearing a roommate sighting. I can invite people over for drinks, for a night of fun. For something casual, for something serious. It can be my temple, or my festival square.

And it will be MINE. I will not live with a significant other again. I will establish myself as an independent woman, because it feels damn good. I can invite a man inside, yes. But it will be a long time before I share myself again. I think that's a good thing.

I was naiive.

He Came Clean

2010-07-07T23:20:00.003-04:00

Be prepared for an emotion-driven post.

Ninja came clean to me this morning. Two days ago I'd asked him on a whim why he'd strung me along for so long, but he gave me no truthful answer as I had suspected.

Then, this morning, he woke me up with red, wet eyes. He said, "You wanted to know why I strung you along, now I will tell you..."

He explained to me from the beginning his antics. The situation turned out to be worse than I had thought, which is unsettling as it was bad enough. I started off as another girl to cheat on his other girlfriend with; then he fell in love with me because I was perfect, and then he picked me apart and found other girls without my flaws, because I was not making him happy anymore. And then he turned me into the previous girlfriend, a safety net for himself.

He uses women to make himself happy, and he does not know how to be happy himself.

I was glad that he told me these things; all I wanted from him was the truth. I knew all along things were not right, but I brainwashed myself. I wanted so badly to believe his words.

He feels lost, lonely, and scared. The Other Woman is another one that he has fallen in love with, but they're going to have to break up because they are moving out of New England. He wants things to work with her. He wondered if things would work with me one day, because apparently he loves me and didn't regret giving me a ring and telling me he loved me every day for years on end.

I was upset that he started to feel, to let his emotions be noticed, and that he felt guilt. He needs to feel guilty for what he did; otherwise, he would be a sociopath. But then he went backwards and said he wanted to do things for The Other Woman, to try to be with her. I said, "You are starting the cycle all over again. Just leave; forget her, forget me, and learn to love yourself."

After our conversation, I realized that my body had betrayed me. I hate myself for being attracted to him, when he has done me so much wrong. But I went a long, long time knowing these things and was always attracted to him. But now, with it in the open, I feel stupid that I could still find it in myself to want his touch. I am an idiot.

I masturbated this evening, and he came into my fantasy. He stayed there, 'til the end, and I cried after my orgasm subsided. He doesn't want me; I was a convenience for him. He could have had my body every day, but he still didn't enjoy me enough to be mine.

I wish I could have someone's touch, sometimes. I don't want someone to love me. I don't want someone to say that they love me. I don't want someone to lie to me. I just want someone to make my body feel good; to make my body feel right. Don't talk to me, don't confuse me, just touch me.

I can't have it, and I know I shouldn't. I just... I wish my body wasn't so sensitive to eroticism. I wish my body would turn off for now, because nobody will have me and treat me right.

But I am a sexual creature. I always have been. I don't need someone else to make me happy... I just wish I could satisfy my nature.

The Museum of Sex, NYC

2010-07-05T12:08:00.004-04:00

I just got back from a trip to NYC! It was lovely and I had an absolute blast with my friend London.

One of the stops we made was to the Museum of Sex. It was an interesting place, definitely one of the highlights.

The entrance is their store, filled with magnets, condoms, and books. There is a leather pillow with a cock impression on it, which I thought would be pretty sweet but actually seemed poorly made. I ended up getting some plates with some sex pin-up silhouettes on it, and London got a condom lollypop and some little touristy things. The books were many and varied, though I didn't see anything I particularly wanted. The sex toy selection was minimal, but that was alright. Their shirts, which I would have loved to have purchased, just weren't cool or clever enough to warrant. Disappointed in that.

We got our tickets and moved into the first exhibition, which was on moving image. Basically, three rooms filled with tv screens streaming porn, intimate scenes in movies, sexy commercials, and what have you. It was fascinating (yes, I read all the captions) and rather exciting to be in a room filled with people, watching people fuck. It was like an orgy that wasn't happening. There were some rambunctious people making light of the situation, but most seemed to be enjoying it on a scholarly level. No boners walking around, but I was feeling the effects of things pretty quickly. Being in public, of course, I just walked on to continue reading...

The next exhibition was all about condoms, or rubbers as they are also called. It was also pretty interesting and quite informative. Displays of all the packaging, histories, a long movie from Trojan on all the fun things they do to make sure you don't get spermies running rampant. They had a nice section on STIs which was a mood-killer.

There was a room filled with sex dolls, outfits, and fine art. Drawings by picasso, nude photography, and other things. Writings by burlesque dancers and French postcards. It was a nice collection. Some of the dolls you could touch... I refrained. They also had a bunch on Hentai and all that anime stuff, along with some robots. Some leather suits and latex. Some hot, some not.

The last exhibition was on the sex lives of animals, which was just plain creepy. But interesting as well. They had all about the bonobo monkeys, dolphins, animal masturbation, duck necrophilia, and so on. Sculptures of dolphins sticking their penises in their blowholes, and that weird thing with the three deer all mounting each other. Sex is so free in the animal world...

So, that was fun. I wonder if there are any other sex museums around; I should go visit them all!

Plan in Motion: Genital Piercing

2010-06-19T21:11:00.003-04:00

Around a year ago, I mentioned a desire to get a genital piercing. It never worked out, for lack of effort on my part and enthusiasm on my partner's.

Now, I'm revisiting that idea. I've spoken to my trusted piercer back in my home state and confirmed that they do the triangle piercing that I originally wanted. He said to me that he is somewhat morally against them due to some drama surrounding the "inventor" of it and such, but that they have some practice with it.

So, if I am anatomically built for it, I will go for the triangle piercing (pierces horizontally beneath the clitoris). If not, I will get a simple vertical clitoral hood (pierces long-ways/vertically through the clitoral hood). We'll find out when I get there, which will be mid-August.

I'm quite positive I will go for it. I love piercings, and I love how they look. I'm interested in the possible sexual enhancement, but that is by no means their only winning point in my eyes. I absolutely adore my nipple piercings and expect to have the same results with this one. It makes me feel... true to myself. It's something you can't get from just looking at me - you have to know me. People may look at me, but they don't know me. Plus, they look fucking awesome.

I could only hope to find a guy with piercings of his own, though I'm guessing I'll never encounter it. One of my friends, Pyro, had a Prince Albert for a short period before taking it out, but he's the only guy I know that's badass enough to do that.

I hope to have a partner who will enjoy giving me oral sex, or at least one that won't tell me to my face that they think my vulva is ugly. Maybe this is subconsciously part of my reason for getting it; I don't know. I have been told once by a lesbian friend that my vulva was beautiful; but women tend to be that way, don't they? Regardless... I love my breasts that much more after having them pierced, and having them played with is much more fun. I love my clit, and maybe this will make it more fun for both parties, too.

Waiting for a couple friends to respond if they'd like to come with me to get it done, to hold my hand! Haha. Nipples didn't hurt, nor did the nostril, but I'm not going to make assumptions about this territory. Especially with the triangle, uhhh, that's a lot of flesh!

I feel sort of vain... but I love my body sometimes. If I more vain, I'd post a pic. I'm too shy and nervous though.

I want this piercing done so badly! Hurry up, August, hurry up.

Me, and Five Other Women

2010-06-17T20:07:00.003-04:00

I'm becoming slightly more aware of myself. And appreciative. I feel good, I look good. It makes me happy, and it makes me talkative, and it makes me feel alive.

I'm learning about myself, and what I like. What I like to wear, what I like to do, what I like to see. I suppose I had closed myself off, in my relationship. While he never told me what to wear, he'd (all within his rights) tell me if he didn't like something, and subsequently in my submissive ways I would try to do what he said he liked. It wasn't a control thing, I simply wanted to please him.

Now, I'm experimenting a little. I refuse to wear make-up, but I've got some nicer shoes, some nicer clothes, been putting some sweet polish on my nails. Little things I always enjoyed but rarely indulged in.

I was a wimp.

Being aware of myself, I have then become more aware of my surroundings. Ninja would relentlessly comment on whatever faintest male attention I would get when we were out, but I never had the slightest hint. I'm sure some of it was embellished before, but I'll notice now when a man does a double-take or stealthily looks at me in the reflection of a window. There are always the strange encounters of whistling and "damn!" while crossing paths.

It is difficult for me to assess how these events make me feel. I feel pleasure, certainly. Someone finds me attractive, that is nice. But, if they find me attractive enough to let me catch them looking at me, much less making a show of it with some holler... I'm sure they do it to many others. And it's meaningless. If one were to talk to me, I'm sure they've talked to dozens of other girls. And like that one guy who gave me his number a few months ago, I'm sure he's given it out to countless girls before.

I am just another girl to be looked at.

I felt so special when Ninja first started befriending me in our drawing class, three and a half years ago. Here was an attractive man, friendly, talented, talking to me. He was a social butterfly, indeed, but he took time out of his day to particularly get to know me. He hounded me, pursued me, and charmed me, and I felt special. I felt wanted, I felt so surprised! I resisted him, but he didn't give up. I thought that meant he must really have wanted me.

Instead, I imagine I just put up a good chase. He would talk to other women just the same as he spoke to me.

This is something I hope I will get over one day, but I can't help that believe that if anyone were to actually show real interest in me, that they would be playing me along with five other women. There is something to be said for dating casually and non-exclusively, sure. But how can you ever know if someone is faithful?

In that sense, I feel ruined. I can't fathom trusting someone's fidelity. I absolutely have no faith in it.

With that mindset, I know I can't go about seeing men. Of course, I am busy enough with my life and my self-awareness. It is my current path. I accept it and I welcome it every day.

I can, however, always trust the talented, faceless lovers of my fantasies!

That Boy is a M-M-M-Monster

2010-06-11T20:22:00.006-04:00

A friendly commenter suggested I reconsider my claim in the last post that Ninja never loved me.

They had a fresh point of view, and pointed out that he seemed genuine with me from my depictions of him here. They were right in that I should not be tempted to make him into a monster.

Truly, I am not trying to make him into a monster. There were lovely times, and there were wonderful times. We had plans, we had shared interests. That was, of course, what I fell in love with. I know that he has the potential to be a great person, boyfriend, and husband. He could truly be successful and confident. I have been with him enough to at least know that.

The truth which I was hesitant to share (omg dramaz!!!) was that he is a chronic liar and womanizer. I had my suspicions, I had my paranoia, sometimes I even had it layed out right in front of me with big flashing signs, but I thought that I was just paranoid and that my "love" could fix it otherwise. I thought I could live with it because he never told the truth to my face. I simply wanted to believe his words.

When you lie, the truth will eventually come forward. And it has.

Until some event happens, he will not face what he needs to face in order to grow up and be a healthy person. And because of what I now know, I don't believe he loved me. I hope he cared about me sometimes, as his actions may have suggested, but you could not love someone and do what he has done to me.

As such, it is in my best interests to wash my hands of him. But I don't wish anything bad on him at all. I hope he will rise up one day and not hurt anyone else, but we all have our paths in life and lessons to learn. I had my part in this as well, in being an unhealthy outlet for his behavior.

I didn't want this to turn into a blog about my dramaz, so I've tried not to. I am grateful for what he has taught me, both under the circumstances of our break-up and simply for the good that did exist. (He did inspire me to start this blog, at any rate.)

Believe me, so many people I have spoken to want me to turn into the psycho ex-girlfriend and unleash on his ass. But I just don't think that is going to affect him at all, and it will only take up my energy. I am taking my lessons, and my memories, and I don't regret a thing.

"Making Love"?

2010-06-09T22:20:00.005-04:00

If he never loved me, did we ever "make love"?

I don't often use that phrase - I suppose all the different terms for sex jumble around with different shades of meaning on them. It is a heavy, emotional phrase. Some people think it's bullshit. Me, I'm not sure what I think it means.

When we would sleep together, I would notice subtle details, and cherish the whole experience. The lighting, muscles moving underneath skin, sweat trickling, sheets twisting. I would reach my hands towards him and feel his torso, his abdomen, his face. Feel the stubble, touch his earlobes, crush my fingernails into his side, push his ass towards me as he thrusted. He would kiss my feet, nuzzle me, caress my breasts, look into me softly.

Even the last time we slept together, days after we had broken up and I knew it was so wrong wrong wrong to give into him, we did these things. While we were together, it felt to me that these things were a part of making love. I loved him. I thought he loved me.

But he didn't.

So, I feel angry at myself for thinking that it was love. I feel angry that the deception of love was so strong that I refused otherwise. I feel angry that being a woman, with passion, made me a victim.

There is most certainly a separation between love and sex. I don't believe at all that you need to love someone to have and enjoy sex with them. Many people live out this truth, and I have no problem with that.

But sometimes, sex is an expression of love. And I had thought that I had experienced that. It's just amazing to me that I was so fooled, and now all those feelings seem so far away.

Refreshed

2010-06-04T18:34:00.003-04:00

Whew, guys.

A lot has happened in the past few days. Many conversations, much introspection, some healthy flirting. I feel completely renewed! I have been rockin' my job, eating some great food, talking with fabulous people.

This weekend I'm going to go to the mall with London and get some new fashions - Ninja was always very picky so I wouldn't often deviate from my normal plain style. But I feel like being adventurous.

I've been learning how to be flirty again, particularly with some of the fine fellows that come into the chocolate store I work at. I have to say it's pretty fun! I get along so well with men; I'd forgotten that. But I enjoy their company and I enjoy their way of thinking, with or without some saucy remarks. Per my modest wishes, I have been granted a few nice compliments. It has made me feel like, maybe, some day, someone will really want me again.

Sex is on the brain again, twofold. I won't pursue any man quite yet, but I ache for touch and passion. I feel that magnetism sometimes, if I stand near. I remember what it truly feels like, sexual energy. It is a beautiful, raw thing.

Transferring that to my masturbation habit, oh damn. My orgasms have been ridiculous. The moments creeping up to climax make me moan audibly, and the peak itself is phenomenal. I don't know why, particularly, but I don't mind one bit. I fantasize as I normally have... but everything is electrified. I love masturbating. Maybe one day I will find a partner I could climax with. That would possibly turn me into a sex addict, though. My two favourite things.

Anyway, this is my state of being.

Here's to 100 More!

2010-05-30T16:10:00.003-04:00

100th post!

And what a journey it has been! I've let out my insecurities, my wishes, my thoughts. And I've even still held back more. I've been greatly pleased having this blog, and having a couple readers that enjoy it enough to tell me so.

Speaking of you, dear readers, what do you like to read? Should I tell more stories? I won't ever get into writing explicit things too much, but is that why you are here? Should my posts be more structured like a typical blog, instead of diary-esque? Or should I just do whatever the hell I want? Please, comment or email me your thoughts. I'm going through everything in my life and restructuring it all, and while I'm at it I may as well see what you friendlies would like to see me do. Tricks, I do tricks for money.

Today, in itself, has been a profound day. I feel refreshed, renewed, and reenergized. I've shed a lot of old skin today, and I am grateful for it. To top it off, I think I look pretty damn good!

Thank you for everything!

Love's Residue

2010-05-29T11:00:00.002-04:00

Being busy is a great distraction, but there are quiet times where my mind opens up and I think, analyze, and mourn.

He lied to me, but I loved him. He cheated on me, and I still wanted to love him. Now he has abruptly decided to not speak to me, and I have no idea why, and I still want to love him.

Our relationship was not healthy, and would not have lasted as it was - I see it now. But I miss my friend. I miss the security I felt. I miss the promise that he would always be there for me, and that I could always call him. I miss him wanting me, craving me, touching me, kissing me.

It's dead, now. I will miss the memories and the illusion it was. I will get over it. I will guard my heart and not give away my secrets anymore.

It's been three weeks, and it feels like yesterday.

Hormones...

2010-05-27T08:18:00.003-04:00

At the tail end of my period, now. It was light this time around - I wonder if it is stress-related.

I wonder what things in my body are hormone related. I've never had PMS (I guess sometimes, but not characteristically), and my sex drive never rose during my period as many women report. If anything, Ninja always seemed to be keen on me while I happened to be mensturating, which was a funny thing. But I've always felt relatively steady emotionally, despite whatever cycles actually exist.

My libido has, in my time with Ninja, been in a high gear. Always. Was that related to hormones? What was I like before him? I guess. I masturbated often, looked at some porn, etc. etc. It was different when he came along, though. Is there some connection that is made with another person of the opposite sex? I should look these things up.

Currently, I don't think about sex so much. It still crops up, but it's too fresh to really think about. Instead, I keep busy. This is a part of the healing process I suppose. Stress affects everything, the bitch that it is. And I try to ignore things in retaliation, and hope they will turn out okay somehow.

Back to the Music

2010-05-23T21:53:00.003-04:00

I went to a show last night with a new friend, Shades, and some of his buddies. It was a show featuring a few bands in a club, I knew one of the bands. This was a part of my effort to go out and do things, instead of just saying I want to. It's always been a problem for me, and now that I'm single not buying groceries for two, I may as well enjoy the hot summer nights somewhere other than the apartment.

I struggled with my outfit. I don't have club-y clothing. I have conservative, baggy tops, and then some halter necks that show too much cleavage. I didn't want to show too much tit, but I didn't want to look like a loser in rags. I didn't want to attract attention, but I wanted to fit the part. I haven't gone out to have fun in a long time, apparently. Too, too long.

I spent too long fussing and ended up going with a solid spaghetti strap tank top, with a bra. I didn't want my nipple piercings to be conspicuous, even if I didn't expect cold environments. Not exciting, but it fit and I looked good.

The show was lovely. I got a couple free drinks from a few generous fellows and stepped back into the music, enjoyed myself, danced. Met more new people, got hit on by a few creepers. The typical night at a club, at least for me anyway. I always seem to fall into music when I'm going through a tough time. It's a pretty nice remedy, especially when you're right in front and the lead singer has a nice, airy button-down shirt halfway unbuttoned, so you can see the sweat running down his abs. That was quite the pick-me-up, haha.

I wish creepers wouldn't be the only ones to hit on me, though. I'm not even considering dating, but it would do my self-esteem wonders to have a nice, fit man give me a compliment. There was an attractive guy who tried to have an intellectual conversation about how to get a drink at the bar, but it didn't do it for me.

I'm only 22. I'm bound to get a compliment (and laid) before I die, right?

One Step Forward... Backwards...

2010-05-19T21:07:00.004-04:00

So time is passing. I'm doing quite well - I started a second job/internship which is in my creative field and I am kicking ass. It's so much fun and motivating to be doing what I hope to do for the rest of my life (or something like that) before I've even graduated. There seems to be an opportunity for long-term employment, which is even more exciting. I feel good. This Monday I begin a summer class. It will be a busy summer, to keep my mind clear.

Ninja and I have been okay. What does that mean? We chat, we'll do dishes, we'll still watch tv shows together, and we go our separate ways and do our thing. He'll go to The Other Woman's house, and talk to her, in addition to his friends, or so I expect. I work and go out with my friends more. He plays xbox more than ever.

I've slept with him twice since the break-up.

I didn't want to, but I did want to as well. Maybe I just feel poorly because he is the only one to give me physical attention, the only one who wants me. I still care about him and can't deny the pleasures of the flesh.

But he obviously doesn't even want me. I would have fucked him five times a day for the rest of my life, done every act he would have ever mentioned, and it still did me no good. He needed the "excitement" of another woman, his own words. I wanted him every day, but he didn't want me.

Ugh. I'm going through the post-breakup thing, which I'm not very good at. I'm happy to be meeting other people and staying busy. What does moving on mean? When is someone ready for a relationship? Why the fuck can't people be monogamous?

Coping with the Breakup

2010-05-09T22:30:00.004-04:00

Don't drink when you haven't eaten in two days. I had one glass and I was on the floor of the kitchen, a crying mess. Ninja gave me a towel to clean up with (I'd already dropped the rest of my vodka on the floor by that point) and left, after asking if he could do anything, to which I'm assuming I never replied. What could he do, anyway? The damage is done.

I hadn't gotten drunk in almost two years. Next time, I'll make sure it's under a healthy circumstance.

We are currently under an agreement that we will ride out the lease and he'll just be gone most of the time.

I'm feeling okay, quite happy in most respects. I guess there is a dreary sense of "relief" I have in that my care and worries and neediness for him don't hang on me much now. He'd always wanted his independence and we were working towards a better way of cohabiting... but it turns out he'd rather just spend the night at another girl's house. Regardless, it was tiring, battling all the time, stifling wishes to call him and arrange outings and all those other things I loved so much. My heart would race for him, I would plan our dinners, I would think all day of the chance to lay by his side next, only for it to not be that night. Acting like a wife, when it was too premature of me. This was my reward.

But then, coupled with that is the momentous sense of failure I have. I wanted, I lusted, I loved, I cared, and it just wasn't mean to be. If this hadn't split us up, it's become blatantly apparent that his moving Down South for school certainly would have. But I tried, I really tried. And I have sacrificed and forgiven and ignored, all in the name of Love and Trust. And I failed. It was silly of me to have thought my relationship would be different from everyone else's. What a waste of optimism.

When I've done all that, who would really want me?

Bitterness aside, logically I know that I am young, and this too shall pass.

In the mean time, masturbation awaits, along with finals.

New Chapter Begins

2010-05-06T20:56:00.004-04:00

Ninja and I have broken up.

I am getting drunk off vodkaquietly while he is playing xbox in the living room to my left, as I contemplate relocating myself for the night. I think I am too drunk however now. I just realized that I haven't eaten in three days. I don't drink often but it's getting to me now.

I'm not sure what will happen, but tonight I am okay. My bed is so big, and I am sad, but I will be okay.

Life and love will go on.

Body Image

2010-05-01T10:22:00.003-04:00

Last night we went to bed together for the first time in ages -- usually Ninja stays up late doing his thing. I always cherish these things, these little things you don't share with anyone else. So I think fondly of them when they happen.

We have a clock in our bedroom, and its numbers are large, bright, and blue. They kind of light up our room a bit. I undressed near it, and Ninja commented "You have a bangin' body."

I blushed; always nice to hear comments. And then I ruined it by saying it was only because it was dark. I don't believe he said anything; I didn't expect him to. I'm rather glad he didn't and that we just snuggled in bed and I put my head in his armpit, my leg over his and we laughed and talked about silly things like the pronunciation of words.

I am down from thinking about the uncertainty of the future, and it's making me lose my steam. I don't feel sexy and I don't put on pretty underthings.

Earlier in the morning we were watching a show, and he had his feet on me. He was playing with my boobs and grabbing at my piercings with his monkey toes. At one point he grabbed at my ribs and got a chunk of my skin. I gave him a dirty look, feeling uncomfortable about it... for a period of time I'd gained twenty pounds and I still feel weary from it. He assured me to not freak out, it wasn't fat, but just skin. I just got sensitive.

I don't know why these things happen. I feel not like myself. I want Ninja to enjoy my body - how can he if I'm all low-esteemed? Ninja is the harsher critique of people and how they take care of their bodies than myself, so his opinion alone should shut me up.

On and On

2010-04-27T18:14:00.003-04:00

So things have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. The past, oh, two months have been ridiculous. But without getting into the mess, Ninja and I are for now enjoying our time together and trying to live as we did before the Bad News hit.

So Saturday morning I walked over to the window, which overlooks the street, so I could keep a look out for the next train to take to work. Ninja was sitting in the chair nearby, playing with his brother on the magic that is xbox live. His shirt was off, the sun was shining in through the open blinds.

"What're you doin'?" he asks me in that tone.

"I'm going to take the next train," I state the obvious.

"What if you sit on my cock?"

Well that sounded like a much better idea. Though the blinds were open, oops. He pulled down his pants and his hard-on got just a bit harder, lying in wait on his hips. I love that feeling of straddling him and my tits touch his chest, and the difference in our body temperatures feels nice, 'til our friction evens us out and I feel only his hairless chest and the metal of my piercings.

I remember, he sucked in my nipple and I rested my head on his collarbone, looking down his torso with a groan. His cock was like a pillar, slick, and I loved the sight of him disappearing between my legs.

Then I could feel him come; it's like an electric burst, and I don't quite know what it is. But I feel it, and I love that, too. I feel him throbbing inside me and I leaned back, laughing at his expression.

"I feel goosebumps," he sighed, pleased, sprawled out on the chair before me.

"I'll see you after work, darling," and, with a kiss, I dismantled and left for the train.

Lameness Continues

2010-04-18T19:37:00.003-04:00

Whew, sorry. I'm in the midst of a mess, wherein Ninja will most likely be moving away from me to the Far Down South because money sucks. As such, I've got a lot on my mind and not much time to sort it out and put the juicy parts here. But! I will.

If you don't use an RSS reader to keep in touch, you should. That way, unless you delete my blog off it, you won't forget about me...

Life Interrupts!

2010-04-02T20:24:00.001-04:00

This week(+) has been much busier than planned - at my job, Easter is a busy son-of-a-gun, plus schoolwork has been unforgiving. I'll get back to the part 2 and subsequent events asap!

Happy Easter!

Ravaged pt. 1

2010-03-22T11:24:00.005-04:00

Italy was great, though stressful! My friend and I had about a thousand things go wrong, including being in stuck there another day due to some cancelled flights. But we finally made it in around 4pm. I visited Ninja at his second job, and he gave me some free treats while exchanging air-kisses in between customers. Towards the end of the night, his supervisor let him sit at a table with me, and we continued chatting.

"I could take you into the bathroom and ravage you," he said spontaneously, with a smile. I was drawn-out from the trip and some jet-lag. Come again?

"The cameras don't see the employee's bathroom... we could send [Supervisor] to do some dishes and have a quickie," he explained.

I fancied the idea, and weighed it in my head... but it wasn't meant to be, at least that night. I accompanied him on some work errands before returning home and showering. He'd still promised to "ravage" me, but I felt perhaps I wouldn't be up to much.

Ninja came home and we snuggled and I sat down with him while he showed off a new xbox game he'd gotten. Time drew on, and I grew very very tired. He'd snap his fingers at me, chuckling, telling me I wasn't allowed to sleep until he did.

The darn boy kept me up 'til at least 1am (I did manage a catnap I think) before he hoisted us off to bed. His movement woke me, arose me. After we undressed he picked me up again, taking me by surprise. I was plopped on to the mattress and before I had a second to think, he'd crawled between my legs and pushed my thighs apart.

Instead of making his way up my body as he'd usually do, he stayed. He dove into my pussy and like an instinct my hands wrapped around his head as I lost sight of him, leaning back with pleasure.

Ohhh god!

It had been so long since his mouth had been on me, since he had touched me at all. So long since I'd felt his tongue part my labia and felt him suck on my clit.

I distinctly remember saying, "Oh my god, oh my god." Haha! How eloquent I can be.

Some time passed, I have no idea how long, and he lifted himself up and smoothly pushed his cock inside me. He slapped my ass, jostling my legs around to suit him, ramming himself through me. I was grateful to have been well-primed by his tongue, because his force with me was delicious. It was like a fire inside me, and I crept my hands up his torso, feeling his pecs and his abs working to move us. I don't remember if Architect Roommate was home - I hope he wasn't, should he have heard me.

Ravaged, indeed.

Vacation

2010-03-05T00:16:00.004-05:00

I'm off to a Spring Break in Italy, believe it or not! Sadly, this isn't going to be a romance-filled trip with Ninja - it's a fun girls trip instead. I leave tomorrow afternoon, so no blog updates 'til I get back in a week. I do have much to write about, so I'll do my best to keep things going. I've been neglectful of this blog lately in case you haven't noticed; I've just not felt able to, for reasons best left unsaid.

Anyway, here's hoping Architect Roommate is out for the night, and that Ninja will take a break from playing XBOX with his brother to give me some last-minute lovings.

Minor Interruption

2010-02-25T13:04:00.003-05:00

I hit a bit of a speed bump a week ago. I won't get into it, but it was not fun.

I've been feeling off-kilter ever since, but I am getting over it and will be back to normal (er) schedule soon.

Hope y'alls V-days were fun and sexy. Ninja and I almost relived our sex-at-work episode, but we didn't work alone that day.

Steak and BJ Day is coming up soon, don't forget! 'Tis the time for reciprocation.

Those Days Aren't Over

2010-02-11T20:35:00.002-05:00

Been busy with work and school (Valentine's week at a candy shop is fun!). Life's good!

Ninja is trying to turn into Bruce Lee, and showers me with new diet ideas and workout plans. We did a half-hour of yoga a few days ago, which was pretty cool. He encourages me to do pullups on the pullup bar, but I've lost muscle and I get nervous because I've never been very good at them. So he's trying to cut out bad foods which will force me to make him different meals... he even wants to cut out cheese, which I think is nonsense, if not purely based on the fact that he is from Texas. Texans need cheese!

Anyway. He also read me a list which instructed him to check his balls for lumps (like a breast exam) and also said to aim for sex 700 times a year, or 1.9 times a day, or about 2-3 times a day when period-time is counted. He went white in the face, but naturally I thought it'd be a fun challenge. Naturally.

Though my desires for sex 5 times a day have dwindled, he proclaimed that his studly days of wanting to have sex all day every day are gone. All the other girls before me sucked it out of him, I sighed, but he defended it well enough saying I had my share of it. I suppose since I'll get him the rest of my life I can settle with that.

Despite this conversation, some time a week ago or so I went to bed before him, as is typical. However, in my sleep, I felt a throbbing between my legs. Mmmm very nice. Foggy-brained, I felt some movement. Wetness. Weight on my body. And I gained full consciousness when I felt that divine sensation of his cock sliding into me! We carried on as lovers do, and in the surprise and intimacy the moment had I have to say it was quite erotic. Feeling his chest in the dark, sensitive to the ears of the roommate...

Imagine my surprise when a few hours later, I felt a sense of deja vu as I was roused again. The little sneak was at it again, having played the same trick! Oh my god. It was great.

He said later he'd come to bed to find me playing with myself actively in my sleep. Oops, bad me! So he decided to help me out, the generous man he is. And again, later, he was struck with the animalistic urges randomly.

I laugh to myself about it, and squirm in my chair. It was fun. He is fun. Love my Ninja!

Sex at Work

2010-01-24T16:18:00.003-05:00

Ninja came home to me the afternoon of Sunday the 24th with a smirk on his face. He picked me up and said, "We had sex at work yesterday!" As if I had forgotten!

You see, he works one day a week at the same place I do, then has his other job. We are scheduled on different days typically, but the manager went out of town this weekend so I took her place on Saturday and Ninja worked the shorter shift I'd usualy work. The previous times we'd worked together we discussed christening the back room, but it was never a good time... until that day.

Saturdays are the busiest days, but January is our slowest month. Every time someone closed the door, we'd look at each other in anticipation... and then the door would open with someone else coming in to shop. The evenings really tone down, so it wasn't until about 5pm that the sun went down and the flow of customers came to a trickle. He was in the back room doing something, and I shouted to him in the most sexiest manner ever (you bet) "WE'RE ALONE!"

I ran to him and got nervous jitters. Not so much nervous to get it on, but nervous to reveal to him his surprise! I wore beneath my work clothes a cute black teddy, which he'd seen only a snipped of in one of the r-rated wallpapers I'd made him. It's sheer, fitted, and lacey with a nice ribbon-corset piece in the front below the bra part. It's got a low back which I thought was pretty, and the cut is not usually my thing but I thought I looked decent enough. Decent enough to give it a test run and see if I should invest in other pretty things! well, he didn't hardly get to look at it before we put up the camera view to the storefront on the computer (so we could see if a customer came in to interrupt us) and he turned me around and leaned me against the freezer. He said he liked it though, I guess that's enough!

We were able to take our sweet time because, miraculously, nobody came in. But I was a bit nervous about the chance, oh well. Ninja said he was just enjoying me - no problem there! After a time in the back room we moved to the office (in the sexiest manner, again, of a strange waddle) and he sat down in the chair and I rode him to the finish line there. Haha. It was fun.

I want to do it again. Ninja agrees, said we should be scheduled together more often.

In the Wee Hours

2010-01-19T19:52:00.002-05:00

A few nights ago, I became awake. Ninja had rolled over to his side, next to me in the same position, and he put his arm around me. Then, his hand traveled up, cupping my breast, and next I felt his lips on my neck, kissing me. Three kisses.

I felt my whole body buzz and my eyes rolled up inside my head. I tensed, and rolled over. He kept kissing me, and his hand went down between my legs, pressing against my clitoris.

And then he stopped.

I wussed out and didn't make him continue.

The next night, a similar event occured. He moved against me in his sleep, and I got so aroused. His hands gripped me so strongly, feeling my bicep and down to my breast, squeezing. It takes my breath away, makes my skin tingle. It really sounds like a bad romance novel but damn! He is so sexy.

It drives me nuts that I dropped the ball... I have been doing some scheming, however, to try to remedy this.

We'll see how it goes.

Chasing my Tail

2010-01-10T23:09:00.002-05:00

Man, I kind of feel like I write about the same ol' thing here. I want to do [this] but I can't/don't know how/am scared. I've been with Ninja for three years now (shy a few weeks), and I hate that I'm still caught up inside myself. It's through no fault of his own, and sadly it's all on me.

Despite my bitching and whining here, I am deliriously happy and satisfied at any given moment. I love him, and I hope I can give him all the fire and passion I keep reserved to my writing and my fantasies. Lord knows I want to.

Architect Roommate is gone for about a week more, maybe I'll kick it up a notch and take advantage of our alone time... maybe

Merry Christmas, I Want Your Penis

2010-01-06T23:23:00.005-05:00

Woooo well that was a nice note to end the year on! My apologies! I left on vacation shortly after writing that ugly post.

I went out west to visit Ninja's family and meet those I hadn't met. We had a room and space all to ourselves, so I got to enjoy my Christmas present from him. Which was, as you may have guessed, lovemaking twice a day.

It began innocently in the shower, with some kisses on his cockhead. Then some tongue. Then he stood me up and turned me around, and he nudged my legs apart and when he entered he spoke to me... it was so lovely, walking around in the sunlight afterwards, recognizing his perfect naked body by touch and sight and smell.

After four days of the treatment, I went to the midwest for a week to visit my family, from which I got in just last night. I'm at the tail end of my period and a cold, so I'm crossing my fingers that my Christmas present lasts at least a few more days! He never did say when it would stop...

Also, I have to confess that listening to Lady Gaga makes me want to dance and fuck. I don't know how I feel about that, because the genre is not my usual pick.

Ninja needs to get home from work, soon.

Come with Me..... oh wait.

2009-12-22T23:27:00.003-05:00

A week or so ago, I layed down in bed with Ninja. Finals were wearing me out, and I seem to enjoy taking naps when I can. Our clothes were in a pile on the floor, along with all the other piles of clothes we've got carelessly strewn about our room. I take comfort in the fact that we always lay in the nude; it is the greatest feeling to be curled up against his warm flesh. He seems to be a furnace, and I am always cold. In his kindness, he lets me put my ice-cube toes all over him until they're warm again. Haha.

Often before we fall asleep, he will place his hands on my pelvic bones, applying pressure. He pulls on my skin, and pushes with his hips. The effect is instant - my legs part and his hands find their way there.

He slipped his erection inside me and played with my clit. Differently, though, this time, he brought my hands there as well. "I want to cum with you," he said. A mixture of arousal and anxiety filled me. "I would love to do that," I replied.

I tried to get into a groove, but laying with another person is so much different than normal masturbation. My body was overrun with the sensation of his cock slowly moving inside me, and my fingers pulling up at my clit. I couldn't figure out what to pay attention to, what would bring me to an orgasm.

I've only cum twice in front of him, and both times I was consumed with embarassment. Why? I don't know. But it's all I dream of. He is what gets me off; I replay our lovemaking time and time again in the privacy of our bed. Why can't I do it in real life? I don't know. The physical sensations are different, and I am confused by them. I don't know how to read them, how to react, what will make me hotter.

But I wanted to try. "It will take a while," I warned him meekly. He smiled and said we had all day.

Comforted, I pulled up at my labia, exposing my clit, rolling it around and stimulating myself. I felt the tugging down from his cock in my pussy, and he ran his hands across my body.

I was getting into it, slowly, feeling my way. My pussy was so swollen from arousal that it was difficult for me. But he was behind me, on my side, touching me, and it was heavenly.

And then he came.

Bummer.

I got upset that I couldn't perform, but he corrected me and apologized for cumming, that he was supposed to last longer.

I just wish it would go right. I'm so terribly embarassed when I know I shouldn't be. Ridiculous.

Like a Cat, but Not Like a Cougar

2009-12-14T00:42:00.002-05:00

I've been like a cat. Stealthy. Attentative. Cautious. Intended. Prepared.

I've bathed, shaved, put off masturbating, masturbated too much, put on the pretties, and tip-toed around just waiting for the right moment to dig my nails into him and rip his clothes off.

Buuuuuuuut there is no right moment. He's talking to someone on the phone, playing games with his brother, watching a show, tired, on his way to work, cuddling me innocently, this and that... and I can never just take initiative.

EVER.

It's my fear of being an inconvenience, of being in the way, of being untimely, of being ungrateful for the little things. Sometimes I get annoyed and ask blatantly when he's busy just to hear him think I'm joking, laugh, and say no. Just to, I don't know, twist the knife.

Now the poor boy is in bed early, off to work at 5am, and I want nothing more than to move against him and feel good. But it would be rude. So I probably won't.

I'll probably go play with myself for the third time today. What a waste.

They say a woman's libido grows and grow's 'til she's thirty years old. I'm really not looking forward to it.

Lingerie Adventures

2009-11-29T17:52:00.004-05:00

On Black Friday I went out with my friend London to hit the mall(s). I didn't want to spend much; I just wanted some lampshades and some new non-ratty clothes. What did I come home with? No lampshades, no new clothes, all the stores were crap. Well, no clothes that I can actually wear anywhere. I got..... some lingerie!

London is a mega fan of the stuff and has quite the collection. She likes to do a bit of dancing and stripping and tip-toeing around in the 5-inch heels. All the boys like it! She's been prodding at me to get some and test it out on Ninja.

I felt like such an old hag. I know that I always have wanted to get some pretty underthings, and I know that most men probably like things like that. But Ninja? Does he? I mean, I don't wear make-up. I don't dress up. We both are pretty low-key people. He criticizes a lot of feminine clothing, actually! So I was a bundle of big ol' nerves and never did anything beyond window shopping.

Maybe it was because I finally decided to go out on a limb, or maybe it was because I sacrificed the day of work and I would have been pissed if I didn't get something to show for it. Whatever the case, in the end I walked away with a bra-and-pantie set that is still too small for my big boobs (can't quite get it through my head that I'm at least a D cup), some other things, and a thing called a "teddy". Why it has such a name, I don't know.

That night, when Ninja came home from work, it was a scene reminiscent of the evening prior. I heard the train stop outside, I dashed to the window to see if he was coming out, and ran around the apartment panicking and wondering what I should do. Run to the bathroom and change?! No, no, I stood there...

Wait, what was the evening prior? Well, I took baby steps and was apparently subconsciously aware that I would need some practice before getting actual pretty underthings. I recently aquired an apron that's cute and kitchen-y, and most importantly is open in the back and makes my tits look nice from the front. I decided to cook a fine dinner and deliver his food to him wearing just that. That night, I hid by the door and poked my head out when he opened it, SURPRISE! Naked girlfriend!

He had the biggest look of shock, and I forget what he said. But he felt me up and his response was all positive! He even cracked up and thoroughly enjoyed the too-cliche "kiss the cook" photo I took of myself in the kitchen, in the outfit, with a spoon that I put on his desktop! Haha. His reaction probably fuelled my confidence in going ahead with the real deal. My dinner wasn't too bad, either...

Back to the present: so there I was, in my nice matching set which I hid with my robe. Ninja came in, and I was very upset to remember that he had about 15 minutes home before he had to leave for his other job. I said I had another present for him after giving him a nice greeting, and he asked to see it. Put off, I told him he'd have to wait 'til he got home at midnight.

The smart boy he is, had me sit on his lap while he checked his mail, and he felt up my legs and asked "what is thiiiiis?" and begged to see it. Give him something to look forward to, he said. Okay, okay, I'm no good at refusing, so I undid my robe and gave him a look. His eyes nearly fell out of his head, but then he noticed my nipple was peeking out...

After tragically giving him a hard-on before work, I promised to let him have more when he got home. I spent more time working on taking and editing some sexy photos than my homework, which I replaced the kitchen-pic with.

When he did return from work, he was dreadfully tired and I didn't push anything sexy. I just lazed around in my hotness, swimming in his lovely compliments. Whew! If I didn't have those, I don't know what I'd do.

He thought the pics I took were very professional, ahaha. I put 'em in black and white and upped the contrast a bit. It was lots of fun and I'm glad :D I will do it more often.

Today Architect Roommate is back home, so no more sexy surprises for Ninja. I haven't revealed to him everything I've gotten, and now I don't know when I'll get the chance to. Oh well, when it does, I'll be ready! And he'd better be, too!

Don't Say Stupid Things

2009-11-21T21:11:00.002-05:00

FML. Last night Ninja and I cuddled up to my computer and watched the latest ever-addicting Grey's Anatomy online. He'd just gotten home from his job, and took off his work shirt, leaving the white undershirt beneath.

I made a remark about removing his undershirt, and that if he did, I would too.

"You don't have to be naked for me to love you," he said.

I shut up and curled myself beside him, quiet.

I feel guilty for what I said :[ It's not like that at all. I embarass myself all the time.

OR ELSE

2009-11-11T23:04:00.003-05:00

I am sitting at my computer in a nice, earthy green button-down shirt. The top few buttons are undone and my tits look very nice, peeking out as they do. When I got home from work, I immediately went to our bedroom to remove my undershirt and bra. Later, I went and sat by Ninja and he decided to undo some of the buttons. The look on his face was priceless when he was greeted by flesh. Mission accomplished.

NINJA, LOOK AT MY BOOBS.

PLEASE.

TOUCH ME.

LET ME GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB.

I need sex so bad I'm dying for attention. I'm on the last day or so of my period, and we didn't do anything for a few days prior... too long. Too long.

I NEED IT SOON OR ELSE.

Little Things of Lovemaking

2009-11-03T22:35:00.004-05:00

Well... Ninja didn't get in the sack with Medusa that night. We stayed up late and crashed in bed together.

But we've had some fun escapades since then, and I still hold out hope for one day...

That next morning I was doing something or other on the floor in front of the TV, when I felt something creep up my leg, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh hey there penis! A minute into the saucy ordeal, Architect Roommate came out! Ninja pulled out fast, and I, bewildered, started playing with some 3D glasses we had laying around. No, not doing anything at all!

Ninja took my hand and we ran to the bedroom, he ripped off my shorts and... came in a record-breaking 5 seconds. He said he had to pee, lmao.

He did more than make it up to me the next morning, doing me good all over for I don't even know how long. We were left in a nice, sweaty mess. He's so fabulous.

We got a bunch of new furniture from my gracious boss, and I can't wait to break them officially, aaaahaha!

Halloween Naughties

2009-10-31T23:03:00.004-04:00

Happy Halloween!

I'm Medusa. It's a halter-top dress, which makes my tits look awesome, and the midsection has some criss-crossing which does good things for my curves. For not being a dress kinda girl, obviously I can rock a costume.

Ninja originally suggested that he would be, in harmony with my costume, made of stone. You know, the mythology that whomever Medusa looked upon would turn to stone... well, he ended up being a vampire.

We had a nice time walking around the Halloween-crazy neighborhood, and skipped going to a party. We're going to watch a scary movie tonight, and cuddle on the floor.

He told me to keep my custume on because he wants to fuck Medusa and undress me. Ummmm yes please?

Be Ready

2009-10-26T23:04:00.002-04:00

So last night I had to go out with London to help her with a project. Before leaving, I went out in a limb and told Ninja, who has been watching True Blood these past few days, that he had better be ready when I come back.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because, I want to do you."

He laughed, and I said I wouldn't if he was going to laugh at me...

I came back and he was still absorbed in the show, all wrapped up in a Mexican blanket. Too bashful to interrupt, I went about my business and tried to forget what I wanted to do.

Some minutes later, he turned to me, and reminded me, "You said to be ready when you came back..." He peeled back the blanket to reveal his nakedness, and his flaccid cock just begging to get hard. I abandoned all conversations I was having and went over to him, leaning over his chair while he rubbed my thighs and pulled down my underwear. A few minutes of heating up and he put his hands on my pelvis, turning my around and sitting myself on his lap. He touched me, held my breasts, and soon his cock was standing up between my thighs. Yesss, mission accomplished.

Some minor adjustments and we were a working machine, with my back to him, and I had my feet on his thighs and was lifting myself on him in a nice, pleasing way. I heard him moan behind me, and I leaned forward.

Oh, fuck was it a good idea. His balls were pulled up tight against his body, and that thick ridge running up the underside of his cock was slick with my wetness. So good, so hot. I love his penis. I told him so, too, "God, you are so hot," and I heard him breathe louder behind me.

I had to go and screw it up, though, because soon my wrists were on fire, as I was holding myself up on them. Ninja didn't seem too bothered, he gathered my legs and in some crazy motion carried me and layed us down on the floor in the living room. I propped up my body and lifted my ass to him, and I felt his balls on my skin again...

We layed on the scratchy floor together to regenerate. But that wasn't all that happened that night.

Well, I guess it was morning because the sky was lightening up, but I awoke and we were spooning, him behind me. My leg was lifted and curled around his, exposing myself and his hand had already found my clit. He was strumming me like a giiiiitar. Ninja was right on target, and I was feeling awesome things, clawing the wall and twitching all over and lovely things.

I felt bad, figuring his arm was getting tired, and I was horny as all get out, so I rolled over and rode him. I don't even know how to explain. I felt superclose to something orgasmic, but eventually it ended with no orgasms, and I fell asleep... or we fell asleep.I don't know what happened.

Apparently Ninja doesn't know, either, because he claimed he woke up to me jumping him! Could he really have done all that while asleep? I do not know...

Dreamy Dreams

2009-10-25T23:07:00.003-04:00

A few days ago I woke up late. 8:30 is nice, 9:00 is typical, but that morning it wasn't 'til my alarm woke me at 10:15. I crawled out of bed, wrapped a fleece blanket around me, and asked Ninja if he wanted to know why I hadn't gotten up 'til then.

"You were masturbating?" he asked, and I was appalled. I have never told him when I'd masturbated recently. "No, I'd never say that!"

He was out of guesses.

Well, you see, the jerk was in my dreams, and we kept trying to have sex in all sorts of instances and circumstances. But for one reason or another, it never panned out! So finally my dream-self made me-self wake up and get on with the day. Not the best way to wake up...

Angel Moments

2009-10-20T19:09:00.003-04:00

Sick, I skipped class today. After Ninja returned from his, he came to bed and napped with me. I got up a bit later after having slept 13 hours, but returned to him a while later to snuggle. I crawled up behind him and draped my leg over his waist, and my arm around his shoulders. He held my hand in one of his, and with the other intwined his fingers with my toes. SO CUTE.

Yes, that makes up for not sharing the two big cupcakes I meant for us earlier... Hahaha.

More Days Like This

2009-10-17T14:17:00.002-04:00

Today is the first day in a while that Ninja and I have shared a day off.

He pulled me on top of him... and then I remembered that I had my DivaCup still in. "MOON RUINER" he called after me as I went to the bathroom to remove it. I came back and he'd covered himself in pillows and blankets, so I pulled them off his body and put my lips on his cock. A few minutes of that and I crept up his body and he slid into me...

"Thank you for fucking me," he said to me afterwards, sprawled out over our pillows. The window is right at the head of our bed, and it brought out the redness in his hair and whiskers, and the planed of his face. His torso was tilted to the right and his arms were bowed out with his hands by his head. "I'm on call any time," I replied with a smile. We cuddled for a while before getting up, when he started picking his nose and it was my turn to call him the "mood ruiner."

Around 11am I was bored and decided to take a nap (wtf) and was awoken by him peering at me from about two inches away from my face. He crawled on top of me and we mingled our limbs and were comfortable, snuggling more. He made fun of me for sleeping and told me to go back to sleep, but I was refreshed. Instead I clung to him and refused to let him go. He pushed and pulled and I tried my damndest to stay hooked on him, haha! I did pretty well, but eventually he wriggled free, and I remained on the bed, a mess. He kissed my feet and said that I made him so happy. He likes it when I do silly things with him ;]

I moved down the bed to pet him and my tits were pushed up in a most satisfying way. I was wearing a dark blue, lacy, spaghetti-strapped shirt that I typically couple with a tube bra, because my boobs just are too big for it. But in the lazy setting I was without, and it didn't take Ninja long to grab at them and moan his appreciation. Haha. Yes. He was snagged.

He bent down and took my breast in his mouth, nipping and sucking and really doing nice things. I think I was talking to him about something... about hanging wet clothes up instead of flopping them on the bed to stay wet. Obviously it wasn't all that important, because I don't remember it...

I was moaning and writhing and at some point he tore at my pants, removing mine before his. The door was open, he nudged it closed with a whap of his hand I think. I didn't care that Architect Roommate might hear - in hindsight, I'm sorry.

For a good twenty minutes I was rolled over on my stomach while he did all sorts of nice angles and I could feel his balls on my flesh. I love that. We crept our way across the bed, entwining our fingers and somewhere I lost my damned hair tie.

When he finished, he was sitting up on my thighs and spreading my ass cheeks with his hands.

He collapsed down on me and we cuddled some more. I had cum all over my legs and was just so darn happy! Best morning ever.

He said his penis needed a time-out, it was chafed or something tragic... I gave him puppy eyes and he said maybe later...!

Too Hot for Words

2009-10-16T22:25:00.002-04:00

Soooo after having one of the best orgasms ever (like lightening) I thought, "OMG I should write out the fantasy I just played out in my head, because it was so hot!"

And then I returned to earth, and realized it was a bit too weird and that it's best kept in my head.

It's been a long time since I've written out fantasies, and it's more of a shoot-myself-in-the-foot sort of thing. I'll keep on with the inhibiting embarassment and let my mind's creativity out some other way.

Damn.

Dry Spell?

2009-10-16T10:38:00.003-04:00

Man. I'm getting over my period and taking on a cold. I haven't played with myself in days. Days! Not for lack of trying, but I have been falling asleep on myself or had bad timing.

I think my sex drive is becoming more accomodating. I don't get quite so cranky if I've been untouched for a few days. In some ways this is good; in others, not so good. Though I recall early September when Ninja and I hadn't made love in over a week, and I was laying in bed beside him analyzing if I really wanted sex at that moment. Did I? No, no I didn't. Whew. Just kidding -- he rolled over to me with intent and I was right on it straight away.

So maybe I'm just getting better at not thinking about it so much.

But, masturbating is a different story. I have to take care of myself. I'm going to finish this glass of OJ and fit a session in before work.

Mental Road Block - Anal

2009-10-08T21:13:00.002-04:00

Ninja and I had another go at anal some time ago.

It failed.

He was on top, the covers over the both of us, my legs wrapped up all around him, and I was enjoying the after-shower lovemaking. He pressed his fingers against my asshole, and asked me if I wanted to try again. After a quick deep breath, I said okay and closed my eyes, relaxing.. relaxing...

It hurt a little, but not terribly. So I don't know why, but I just basically burst into tears and tensed up like a brick. I don't even know how much of him I took in, but I couldn't let him continue.

This bothers me immensely, and it just makes me even more nervous all around. Why do I have some mental road block? It turns me on, and I want to do it. I've fantasized about it. I've tried to prepare myself. I'm pretty sure it will be really awesome. I want to do it for myself, and I want to give Ninja what he desires. All I have are wants and reasons, but no results! I just screw it up.

Ninja, then, withdrew himself and worked some fancy magic to make me forget the fear, and we continued on with our lovemaking 'til... well... 'til it had to end.

I just want it to work! I know it won't hurt, I know we're prepared... I don't understand it.

But I'll be starting my period soon, so we may have another go at it while my vagina is out of commission. Also, Architect is out for the weekend, so maybe we can have a bit more experimental fun!

Less is More

2009-10-05T22:03:00.003-04:00

I don't know why, but tonight I wish I could walk around in lingerie and do my daily activities. I'm working on homework, browsing for a snack, watching the boys throw themselves around in delight while watching football. Maybe I'm missing the ability to be in the nude all the time like I used to with Ninja. That's probably it.

I'm feeling good lately, I look good. I think I'm still losing weight, or at least I'm adjusting happily to my thinner self. Ninja seems happy - he's complimented me much more than usual. It makes me feel good all around...

My friend London is trying to convince me to buy some sexy bedroom clothes. She has quite the collection, her ex was a fan. Unfortunately, despite my confidence growing, I still think I look like crap in clothes that show leg. Boobs, I got those down. My tits are my best asset. But my ass, no. Legs, no. Ninja likes big ol' thighs and my caboose, but I just can't like what I see. Hey, I've tried. It just looks way better on models than myself.

I do have really good boobs, though. I will always credit myself with that!

Anal Adventures!

2009-09-17T23:52:00.003-04:00

I'm a girl, and I'm on my period. Ninja is a boy, and he doesn't like bloody messes. It's known that I survive by masturbating, but desperately seek alternatives involving the actual cock. No matter how much I asked, though, he would not let me give him a blowjob. At the movies, walking home from the movies, here and there randomly during the day. Turned down! Okay, okay...

Another alternative I've had in mind was anal. You may know of my skittish tendancies, the dreaded "poop" song I hope to hear only once, afraid of pain and of embarassing things. But it would be a great way to spend "intermission."

Well a handful of days ago, Ninja took me to our bedroom to nap. Before napping (I might have asked for a blowjob at that time, as well) he suggested he get the condom and warm me up. I declined, however. Not yet, not yet, okay but not yet!

Upon waking, though I took a deep breath...... and said yes. After a quick self-conscious trip to the bathroom to give an "all-clear" I snuggled up to him and prepared myself. OMG.

After deciding to lay on my stomach to bury the butterflies, I watched him take the condom from its package (MAGNUM - more butterflies) and roll it down the shaft. He applied some lotion, massaging my ass, and it worked to calm me.

"Ready?" he asked, and he pressed himself against my fearful little anus when I replied. Slow.. slow... it was alright, not bad, okay, good, OH GOD SEARING PAIN ---------------

It was excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I remember clutching the sheets, crying for him to retreat. We layed there a few minutes, Ninja covering me with his body as I calmed down. We talked about what happened, and within minutes I was actually wanting to give it another go.

This time was much better. He went much, much slower, and it didn't hurt at all. Before I knew it he said that he was as far as he was last time, and it didn't hurt at all. Regardless, I suppose the mental aspect freaked me out a bit, and I couldn't get over the "I'm going to shit myself" sensation; I didn't let him do much. But somewhere between the anxiety and things, feeling him rest on me and slowly draw in and out, I felt a strange heat inside me. The good kind of heat - I was most definitely receptive. He spoke to me, touching me and running his hands up and down my body. It was good.

A few minutes of experimentation passed and I suppose he sensed me nearing the end of tolerating the "shit" feeling; he pulled out, ditched the condom, and finished off by making sweet, sweet love.

Until next time...

I Wish

2009-09-13T14:28:00.003-04:00

I remember when Ninja and I first got together, I had mentioned that I could orgasm within minutes. This was after apparently being the first, or one of the first, girls to admit that they masturbate. He laughed and had said that his job would be easy, then.

Easy? Not so much.

One of the last times we made love I burst into tears because I realized I wanted to cum so badly.

Home Sweet Home

2009-09-10T21:04:00.003-04:00

So Ninja and I are officially moved into our new apartment, with Architect in the second bedroom and buzzing about what he wants to make. Things have been hectic but pleasant; we have no furniture and Ninja has his boxes and clothes strewn about, but our office is fabulous and the bedroom is lovely. We didn't have internet for a few days, and I've been busy with unpacking and cleaning up after these damn boys.

I finally gave Ninja his Christmas present. Oh dear, 9 months late! No, it's actually from the Christmas befor - our first Christmas. When I had come back from college (this was while he was still in the Midwest where we met, before he moved here to New England) for Christmas, we'd actually broken up for a few days. I was hesitant to gift it to him after we got back together, and anyway I only was there for a short while. I didn't want to jinx things.

By the next Christmas, last Christmas, he was here in New England with me, but I had left the gift in the Midwest and my mother wouldn't mail it to me, and I didn't want to risk taking it on the plane while I was there visiting for the holidays.

But when my father drove out with all my things to help us move in, I made sure to request that he bring it.

Ninja isn't much of a person for gifts so he didn't mind the lateness; in fact, I could guess that he thought it would be a lame present. But no, part of the reason I was so hesitant to give it ws because I was proud of it. It was thoughtful, it was meaningful, it meant a lot to me and was perfect.

So I sat him down on the bed and handed him the big square that it was, still wrapped in the purple wrapping paper. He tore open a corner, and saw part of it. It was a drawing, a framed high-quality print. "[Artist's Name]?!" he exclaimed!

Oh yes. I grinned and he tore the rest off. It was a drawing of Venus, one of her forms, from his most favourite artist. He looked up at me and I saw genuine appreciation. I patted myself on my back.

Not Having a Sexless Marriage

2009-08-30T20:54:00.004-04:00

So another chapter of our lives soon begins. Tomorrow and/or Tuesday, Ninja and I are moving into our new apartment. We're living with an architect student, he's cool and all. I'm excited. I can't stand the apartment I am in right now - Bitch Roommate has banned us from using the stove and oven by removing the components because Messy Roommate2 screwed up the kitchen after I forgot to put back the components... you see, originally I was allowed to use it, with permission. Messy Roommate2 could not. It's a big long mess of a story, but mostly a thorn in my side. If I bid adieu to Bitch Roommate, it would only be through an act of numb thoughtfulness.

I'm getting a taste of a more adult life, working more at my job and being only part-time in college this year. Ninja is doing the same, and he's been working at his new job (hardware store, he looks good in his t-shirt haha) for a few weeks. I'm not sure how much I like it. He's not had so many hours at a job since we've been together (except when we were LD) so I barely see him, then he gets home tired and sweaty, we watch a movie with dinner, and he goes to bed.

Aside from some post-Birthday Sex (on the 24th I turned 22!) we haven't had any naked time. He's tired, it's been hot, so on and so forth. I miss sex. I masturbate too much. I didn't even get to packing 'til after noon today because... well, I didn't masturbate the WHOLE morning for crying out loud, but there was a good half hour I should have been doing something more productive.

He's sleeping now, wrapped up all cute in my big white quilt. This will hopefully be my last night here in this apartment... I hope so. I will go cuddle with him soon and snuggle through 'til the early morning when he must leave again to work. After the stress from this horrible place and my horrible roommates is gone, I think we'll get back to making babies, without making babies.

Writing is...

2009-08-30T10:37:00.003-04:00

I had a dream that one of my posts here got published in a totally non-erotic publication. It wasn't an actual entry I've posted here, but it was some short story of some sexual encounter. I was so excited to read it, but disappointed that I couldn't take credit for it because it was under anonymity. What luck, right?

I've thought occasionally that my writing was decent. Mostly what I have going for me is that I enjoy it, and that's a big help I'm sure. I never did too well in most writing classes (except free-writing) but I've always kept journals and been obsessed with recording things. Of course lately I've fallen off the wagon a bit in keeping up with this blog and my other journal, but life happens.

In elementary school, 4th grade I think, I won an award for a story I wrote and illustrated. I went to a convention sort of thing with my mom and it was all about young writers and getting stickers and props for such a good job. The story was about a killer whale and eating cereal; I'm not sure what was so grand about it! But, hey. We got to write in blank hardcover books and it was always my favourite thing...

In middle school I wrote two drafts of a story on dragons. It took up two 3-subject notebooks (with illustrations) but I never finished it and never was satisfied...

But I'd never become a professional writer. A lot of bloggers wish to, but writing is never something I would feel comfortable making money at. Funny, because I am going into a creative field.

Anyway, it would be pretty cool if I greased this thing up and did more with the blog. Some day, in my free time...

IOU

2009-08-18T00:37:00.002-04:00

We met at the apartment, and he was to leave soon again for a friend's for the night. He went to say goodbye, but came over to me on the bed and layed on top of me instead. A big sigh from the both of us - it was so comfortable despite the trecherous heat and humidity.

A minute passed, and he got up. His hands went to the bottons on my shorts. I bit my lip, "I'm bleeding..." He stops, obviously disappointed. Me, too. Damn it.

Suddenly, he leans over and bites my nipple, taking the jewelry between his teeth. It sends tremors through me just as he lets go. And then he goes and pulls down my tube top, taking my whole breast in his mouth, sucking the very life out of me, I go blind and writhe on the bed until he unlatches, a sly grin on his face. I straighten myself, hair all in my face, breathless, hot.

"As soon as this erection goes away, I'll see you tomorrow!" he chirps cheerfully. I give his bonor and IOU and hope he was serious about me giving him a blowjob tomorrow...

In the meantime I've been horny as hell and have made this lonesome evening one of playing with myself and orgasms.

A Great Start to the Day

2009-08-09T18:55:00.005-04:00

Last night we went out on a date to see The Ugly Truth. It was so hilarious I might have wet myself. I haven't laughed like that from a movie in ages. It's kind of hot and humbling, so I urge you to go see it.

This morning I woke up around 8am or so, snuggled up to Ninja. We dozed in bed together, always like magnets, 'til we rose ourselves and went on with our morning. From 11-1pm we took another nap, having had a long week. It's one of those things that makes me love him all the more. He didn't have to nap with me, but I crawled into bed and layed there for a while when I felt him lift the covers and ask me in that cute tone if he could join me. Duh!

Later on, in the shower, he moved out of the way and behind me so I could rinse my hair... so I thought, 'til his hands came creeping down my stomach to play with my clit. He switched between rubbing me and pushing his cock inside me, and something about it was different this time. His technique was different, better, my whole body throbbed and I felt the distant pulsing of a forthcoming orgasm...

My back arched and he leaned his head above to kiss me, thanks to his godly height. He held my hair in his hands, leaving my clit alone, and looked at me while he pumped. It was hot.

He turned me around and leaned heavily on the opposite side of the shower stall, throwing my foot on his shoulder, entering me again and working his magic. All I could do was touch his hipbones while he thrust forward and moan. It is the greatest sight to behold.

In the end surprisingly neither of us got orgasms, we got out, dried off, and went about our day...

Quicky in the Storage Room

2009-08-03T09:51:00.004-04:00

Thursday and Friday of this week Ninja helped me at my workplace, moving storage from the old storage room to the new one. The old one is across the street from the new shop, with a deadbolt lock and paper covering the windows. We were alone for a time, rearranging and deciding what things to take next.

He looked at me. "You know, I have the key to this place. [Manager and Boss] are gone. We could have a quicky."

dies My dream come true! But! Fuck! I was too nervous about the thought of getting caught. [Manager and Boss] could come in at any time, knock on the door, get angry... I wanted to, so very much wanted to. But we didn't.

I should have done it anyway, damn it. I told him he should come up to visit me some time when I'm working alone, wink wink. Not sure if he will.

We never had sex in the boxing gym, either...

Considering Genital Piercings

2009-07-22T22:15:00.003-04:00

In light of my previous post (also posted this evening, read it first!), I have thought further searching for solutions. While the success of an orgasm relies mostly on chilling the fuck out, it is a scientific fact that it is naturally easier for a woman to reach orgasm through exterior stimulation rather than interior.

My nipple piercings are my prized possessions. They make me feel beautiful, like a goddess. They are a vehicle for pleasure and admiration, and that little bit of naughtiness when the jewelry pokes through my shirt. Ninja tweaks and nibbles to his and my delight, and getting them done was the best thing I've ever done for myself. 20th birthday present, the best!

6 months after my nipples got bejeweled, I got my nostril pierced. 6 months after that, the cravings came back. But I have resisted. What could I get? No facial piercings, no lobe piercings, microdermals aren't smart for boxing or dangerous physical activities. So I stopped there.

But then, this morning, I got a spark in my mind. Genital piercings. I've had them faintly pass through my mind before, but I pushed them aside. Not as nonsense, or something too extreme, but something I didn't forsee myself having. I asked Ninja, and he said he didn't mind them.

So off to BMEzine I went researching, and I clued him in on the two I'd settled on: vertical clit hood, and a triangle. Without the professional opinion of a piercer I can't say for sure, but I'm quite positive I have enough flesh to accomodate either (I did pass the q-tip test). I scrutinized and discussed it with him, and I may very well go with it. The trouble is finding a qualified piercer, and parting with the money. I'm not all too familiar with piercers in this area, not being from around here, and I am a poor college student.

Hopefully you know this by now, but actual clit piercings are super rare. Piercing the organ itself sounds like death to me, but you also must have a clitoris thick enough to accomodate the jewelry. The most common female genital piercing is the vertical clit hood, which consists of a barbell or a circular ring being pierced through the flap of skin the clitoris sits beneath (aka "hood"). It must be close enough to the meeting of the hood and the clit itself for maximum pleasure. The presence of the jewelry predictably enhances contact during intercourse or fun-time. It's a quick healer at just a few weeks, and getting in the way would be at a minimum due to the vertical position. It's common, cute, and sounds good to me.

A little more enticing, however, is the triangle. It is, according to my sources, the second most "extreme" female genital piercing, next to the actual clitoral piercing of course. It's not enticing to me because of the extreme-ness of it (in fact that causes me to have reserves) but the possibility of unearthly pleasure. You see, with the triangle, the jewelry is placed beneath the clitoris. That is a lot of flesh, much more than with the vertical clit hood. But the unique placement lends itself to some awesome feelings I am sure, allowing for stimulation from behind (the jewelry) and in front (fingers, tongue, etc.). My method for masturbating involves pressing my clit against my pubic bone, so I can only imagine what a metal bar could add. It is, though, less aesthetically appealing to me. And the possibility of the piercer hitting my clit instead freaks me out.

So here I am considering a genital piercing, both for easthetic and pleasure purposes. And also just for the fun of it.

We'll see, we'll see.

My Downfall

2009-07-22T21:51:00.003-04:00

I am, and have always been, an insecure person. Unsure of myself, more willing to hold back than give out, quick to assume the worst and disbelieving of the best. I can't say it has stemmed from some personal incident, or my upbringing. I wasn't picked on as a child, my parents always told me to do my best and that was all they wanted. Nothing sticks out to me that could have pushed me to become this way.

But I live my life afraid of embarrassment, shame, and vulnerability. I'm not sure now Ninja did it, but he has worked to get me out of my shell. Regardless, the level to which I inhibit myself, well, it is my downfall. In the two and a half years we have been together, I have but a handful of times peed with him around - on the other hand, I have held his penis in my very hands while he did his business. He'll belt out all the songs he knows in his cute, breaking untrained voice, while through all my years of choral singing, I'm still reluctant to sing on my own, despite his persistent begging.

For the most part, Ninja is all-accommodating to me and my wishes. My problem is, I bet you can guess, that I don't voice them. I leave little twisted signals and wish that he could hear my thoughts. The trippy thing is that sometimes I swear he can, and up 'til now, he's put up with my silliness and continues to gently coax me into communicating. I think that part of what had me fall in love with him was his confidence and calm curiosity. Time and time again, from the very beginning, if something was exploding in my thoughts, and he would ask me what was wrong, I would say "Nothing." But he knew better, and still does, and though we play that game far less often than we used to, he still has to take my head into his hands and have me look at him and not lie when something is on my mind.

This, of course, floods into our sex life. Why can't I orgasm? I'm not clear on all the answers, but I know deep down that it is because I am embarassed. My face looks weird, my body looks weird, it would take too long. I have masturbated to orgasm twice in his presence, and the last time was over a year ago, and I was such a bundle of nerves that it took ages and I've not done it since, having shamed myself. I've masturbated on video for him a handful of times, while we were long-distance, and however permanent it is, I got a small amount of relief in the fact that I could preview it and make sure I didn't look like an alien.

I know it bothers Ninja. It bothers me too. And that just makes it worse. I can't ask him to go down on me, I can't ask him to finger me, I can't ask because I have collected in my memory clips of instances when he's laughed at me harmlessly, or made an innocent comment, and in twisting them to negativity it trumps the good and pleasure and will he has shown to make me happy.

I just can't let go and relax, give myself fully into him. I'm worried about my breath, my body, my expressions, the time. I cherish making love so much, and I think endlessly of sex with him. But despite all that, I'm still too fucking embarrassed to give both of us the satisfaction of my orgasm.

I know these things, and I analyse them often. But as for really getting over it, I'm still not in the right direction. But he is all the more my soulmate for putting up with it.

Unfavorable Contact

2009-07-16T22:22:00.003-04:00

Some weeks ago, Ninja closed his door on his visiting friend and turned back to me. We progressed to the bed, and I was thrilled by the need to be quiet, lest it be blatantly obvious what we were doing behind the closed door.

My legs were on his shoulders and his thrusting was divine. I rested my hand on his cheek, feeling his hair and his ears and his cheekbones and jawline, and watching his eyes close ever so slightly with the motions. I looked down at his hips, and that sexy triangle between his hip bones. The light from the window to the right of us blinks in and out as he moves himself against me. The jolt that shoots through me with each SMACK. Pure hotness. His hands ran down my body, behind me, and between my legs, between my ass cheeks. I was gone and relaxed enough that he rubbed me, stimulating me, and pushed one of his fingers inside my ass. I felt a mixture of discomfort and pleasure, but it mixed in with the feeling of his cock inside me and I was A-OK. I was learning to like it. I want to, I want more. He quivered, he came and rested on top of me.

Fast forward to yesterday morning, when we are showering together in the tiny stand-up stall. Or rather, the moment where my legs are spread, one on the floor and one on the wall opposite me at my head's height. His knees are bent and he is coming up at me with such force that I feel his balls slap my inner thigh and buttocks - I can barely stand, that sensation drives me crazy. He tires and turns me around, slipping inside me again while I'm on my tippy toes to make things easier for him. Or try to, anyway. He's like a foot taller than me. Irrelevant that is, however, while he goes again between my legs, pressing against my anus with his finger. Calm, calm, calm down... he continues, slipping inside again with one of his fingers. A few moments and he withdraws, but I think nothing of it while we make love in the water. He tires and neither of us reach orgasm, it being the second time that morning we'd done so.

Later on, he makes a song about playing with my butt while he primps himself in the bathroom. I roll my eyes; he's a very musical fellow and makes songs about many things.

Until... he sings about touching my poop. I dropped my head and could have died in shame, but instead I flopped myself down on his bed. He called me back, I groaned. So embarassed. Expected, probable even, but damn it. Embarassing. He calls me still, telling me sternly to come back. I abide, and he picks my head up and makes me look at him, telling me not to be embarassed.

I'm glad his reaction was understanding and favorable... it would be pretty lame to be anything otherwise... but still. Unfavorable contact is the source of my reserve, and I haven't even experienced his cock before it rears its ugly, poopy head.

Boxing to Parkour

2009-07-05T10:25:00.002-04:00

I feel ready to take on the WORLD today.

I don't know why, particularly. But in lieu of being unable to box (after Ninja's and my subscriptions run out) I have decided to move on to parkour or freerunning or whatever subbranch I can absorb. Ninja has just a natural talent for bouncing around like a monkey, whereas I do not. He's wanted to get into it for ages, but there aren't any groups nearby. But like I said, that natural talent takes him far enough. I am a foot shorter than him, weaker, scared-ier, and less experienced. But I want to try it, see what I'm capable of. The psychological part of it is all about overcoming whatever obstacles - so let's go!

I'm very happy to have begun working out and appreciating my body and its powers. A year of boxing has brought me SO MUCH joy. I don't want to give it up, and if I/we have the opportunity, I'd love to invest in a bag or two to keep up with my progress. It makes me feel sexy, it makes me feel capable, it makes me feel so good. While my roommates are sitting on the couch getting drunk or high in front of the TV, I walk in drenched in sweat and feeling like I'm on clouds. Not to mention, Ninja doesn't look too bad with his shirt stuck to him and his hair all a mess, lean muscles shining in all their glory...

Ninja and I haven't gone boxing in quite a long time, to be sadly honest. Nearly a month. Myself, I'm discouraged by that particular gym's practice and the inevitability of my contract's end. And also the fact that the cool people I worked out with have stopped going, and the trainers all have sticks up their asses.

Anyway, things have been different. Going and working out together, doing something in terms of an extra-curricular committment, is really good for us. Good for anyone, I'm sure. It shakes things up, presents obstacles and routes for achievement and lets us support each other. Lately we've been stuck inside, less than able to go out because of a lack of funding. We do have much to enjoy of each other regardless, but I really miss going out and sharing this different sort of passion.

So yesterday I decided I'd like to try it. I need to start running, and weight train. I've been previously afraid of jumping up on little islands on the streets when Ninja has coaxed me. But I was able to, every time. It filled me with a rush and surprise. I wouldn't mind feeling that a bit more often.

Last night I was on the back porch, watching the sun go down. I turned around and saw my silhouette, and damn I look good. My hair looks great, tossed in the wind. My arms have shape. My ass is, well, a prominent but proud feature, well-balanced by my tits of equal proportion.

I woke up this morning and took a long shower, cleaning every inch of me. I shaved my legs and even my ass-crack, trimmed up the bush. Ninja cancelled plans with some other people to come run around with me instead, before I go off to my home town to visit my family for a week.

Life is good.

What a Mess, Love

2009-07-03T00:07:00.004-04:00

Hey! Oh man. Life has been crazy. Ninja's friend came and went, a trip to Texas to visit/meet Ninja's family came and went, basically June came and went.

I will recount past events in due time when I get the urge to. I've been spending a lot of time with Ninja, enjoying life. Thinking about the future. It's frightening to me, but thrilling at the same time. After all, it's what I want, huh? In a few short weeks we will be moved in together (in my room at my current apartment with my crappy roommates, then in Sept to a spacious apartment almost to ourselves) and the next big chapter of my, our lives, shall unfold.

There's just one thing. Every. Single. Time. I try to initiate some BJ or hanky-panky... Ninja gives me a dumb look and asks me, "What are you doing?" It's getting to be quite defeating. I'm only taking your clothes off, no real reason at all.

Y'all know the site FMyLife? I have a few tidbits I'm sure I could submit. Most recently along the lines of feeling bloated with joy and love, going in to kiss tenderly, and being told to put on deodorant.

I apologize for being so scatter-y, I'm all sorts of crazy in love with this man. And even when he makes me feel dumb he does it in a way that assures me he loves me just as much. Whew! What a feat.

Doomsday Nears

2009-06-06T23:36:00.006-04:00

I met up with Ninja today after work, delivering some delicious cupcakes to him and spending a bit of time at his dorm before being kicked out by hunger and the midnight hour.

After socializing for a time with his friend in the living room, Ninja and I casually found ourselves in his bedroom with the door locked, the lights off, and his hands down my pants and fondling my boobs. At the same time. He's got powers.

In the midst of mind-blanking sensations with our pants around our ankles, he bent close to my ear and mentioned that he did find the condoms he had previously lost. I was going to bug him if he'd gotten more, but he's always a step ahead! 'Cause, as I mentioned, that was the only logical thing left before we dive into the realm of anal sex... Next up is my own scared-y ness! Doomsday approaches!

Tomorrow is his birthday, maybe he'll get lucky. Probably will have to wait 'til after his buddy leaves. That would be awkward. Ninja said to his friend that I was pissed at him for making birthday sex impossible. It's probably a bad thing that I'm apparently more annoyed by the inconvenience than HE is.

Later on I followed him into the bathroom where he showed me the remnants of his black eye from sparring, and afterwards he put his arm around me and held me close. I caught a glimpse of us in the mirror and thought, "Damn, we're a hot-looking couple." Roll out the red carpet, thank you.

'Course then I had to compete with Elizabeth Shue for his attention, because we sat back down with his friend and caught The Adventures of Babysitting on TV (she's a few years older now, whatever). She is his Hot Babe #1, along with Jessica Biel.

Yet So Far!

2009-05-31T21:47:00.003-04:00

So I was innocently laying on the extra bed in Ninja's dorm when he lept up with me, holding himself above me in a reversed manner so that he had his head towards my feet. I continued as normal, 'til I felt something on my head. A flaccid penis. "Oh my, how did that happen?" I looked up to see his cute little penis (oh, don't be offended!) poking out of his jeans.

Hey, I'll take what I'm given. I'm far from phased by his powers of seduction!

We fooled around for just a few moments when he said, "So... if I go find the condoms I bought, do you want to try anal?" I took in a big breath, "YES." Scared, but, yes, please, okay!

So he removes himself from above me and leaps to the boxes which held things that were in his desk (he'd moved dorm rooms for the summer) and he rummaged around. And he continued to rummage around. And for a bit longer. And a bit longer.

"But... they should be here!" I became crestfallen. Anal would be a perfect remedy during these times when I am so "unclean"... and now that he's got condoms, lets get to it I say! But no.. he lost them. I'm responsible for taking a pill every day, and Ninja can't hold on to a darn box of condoms...

So there was no anal sex. I ended up getting him hard again and we finished with an illegal bout of sex regardless of the fact that I had my cup in. He needs to get more condoms. Before I lose my nerve again! Oh my life.

Cuddling is a Good Substitute

2009-05-31T21:16:00.003-04:00

I have to back up a moment. As you know, I do make it known when I'm in the midst of a dry-spell. I'm sure it is in the form of a complaint or two... I apologize.

Last week I was hit with the dreaded "no sex" phenomenon, and then my period ruined everything. But that was okay. I wasn't ravenous, or bitter, or crazy. I didn't masturbate more than usual.

I think that physical contact is one of the most potent things between two people. Perhaps that is the larger portion of my desires. You see, this last week I'd spent so much time with Ninja, and we spent our time cuddling, laying together, sitting next to one another. Kissing, my hand on his leg, and so on. It was nonsexual in nature, but it filled me with the very same bliss. Well, not the same. But pretty darn close and it satisfied me.

Ninja would be typing away at his computer with me sitting beside him, and he'd just break away and envelope me in his arms, "I just love touching you and being close to you. It makes me feel so good." Ditto, man. Ditto. Making him feel good makes me feel good. It takes my breath away, to be happily trite.

We're forced to sleep on little tiny twin beds at both our places, but every night we snug up together and sleep so well. He is just tall enough, and I am just short enough, that my ass fits nicely in his hips, and his arms can wrap around me comfortably, and everything just works out. I tend to fidget a lot, but... he accomodates me usually, haha. No war over who steals the covers, no one falls off the bed, and I get the best wake-up ever looking at his sweet little sleepy-face! I'd sleep anywhere, just so long as I am with him.

Now I'm so used to sleeping with him that last night, the first night I'd not done so in ages, I felt weird. He's got a friend over visiting from out of state, and only one visitor is allowed in the dorm past midnight, so I have been uprooted. Ninja had better not be cuddling with him instead...!

Sex Addicts Without Sex

2009-05-25T20:21:00.003-04:00

Been super busy lately, though now I'm officially out of school and in the midst of enjoying a nice lazy weekend with Ninja. It's been lovely, being around each other, doing this and that. Talking, flirting, snuggling, playing games and watching movies.

But, you know, something's always got to be a thorn in the side.

I was watching Intervention when Ninja came over to me and nibbled on my arm. He watched for a few moments and chuckled that I should be on the show. Huh? "Sex addict!"

Funny that he pokes fun of me, or whatever it is that he's doing, when we haven't had sex in days and I am slowly being reduced to a desperate mess on the floor. And I wasn't even desperate (at all, honestly!). I was being good and normal.

Fine.

One Step Closer

2009-05-11T23:34:00.003-04:00

He leaned back in his chair and I sat on his lap, appropriately nude and sliding down on his erection. I'm a clumsy girl and the position doesn't last, but he holds my hips and makes me happy.

He says, "And I bought some lubed condoms, so maybe we can try some..."

ANAL. YAY. I get excited. And proud. And happier. Not just any condoms, but lubed condoms! Smarty britches Ninja is.

The only thing holding us back, now that the mandatory condom issue is out of the way, is my own natural fear of the unknown and pain. There should be no pain, but I'm a scaredy-cat anyway.

We didn't go any further that night, but I'm guessing soon we'll get down to business. Just, you know, one step at a time.

Tell Me

2009-05-06T22:49:00.003-04:00

I wonder if his ears tingle when I say his name. You know, that folklore that your ears burn when someone says your name.

'Cause I always tell him when I'm cumming, playing with myself. During sex I say his name sometimes, but my mind is too blank to form language I might say. But masturbating is so different. I've been doing the Literotica thing, basically wasting an hour of my life each night. Because, damn! An hour goes by so quickly. Should definitely be doing homework, but it is so much more fun to think about sucking his cock in [insert secret place].

Anyway, yeah. I used to not say a peep. A bedroom next to the brother and parents made for easy audial transmittance. Though I used to jerk off to music. I was a weird girl, whatever.

All the same, it didn't really occure to me to make noise. Maybe it was the bad porn I was watching, or probably the fact that my orgasms weren't nearly as nice. Why make noise? That's weird. WEIRD. And distracting.

Well, maybe it is a bit distracting sometimes. But nowadays I can't help it. Since that flip-switch during sex and I got transformed into this monster, I can't keep my mouth shut for long. Distracting and potentially embarassing when you realize that once in a while the common areas of our living arrangements are occupied.

All orgasms come with a complimentary falling-off-the-edge-of-the-world feeling and that sweet rush of "ohhhh [Ninjaaaaaa]" and I'm reduced to convulses, twitches and a puddle of wetness. I think it derives from the awesomeness I feel when he groans and tells me when he's cumming. It is so hot. Why not exchange the favor? In secret...

Burn, baby, burn!

A Rose by Any Other Name

2009-05-03T21:56:00.002-04:00

I love it when he says my name.

Even when he's saying it to make me stop doing something "dumb," or whatever else unpleasant. There's something about him saying it that makes me happy. His accent, maybe. I think also the unfamiliarity (I don't particularly love my name, it sounds foreign to me) draws my attention. But I love it.

He also calls me "Baby" and "Angel" and "Sugar Tits" and cutesy things like that - some more appropriate than others. They all have a different tone. They're covers, generic. I remember he used to have a folder named "Baby" in which he placed his ex's emails. Now it is I who carry that title.

Not to discount the endearment or feelings behind them. It is a tough slot to fill; I'm just lucky enough to be in it. I know I'm strange and have thought long and hard about things to call Ninja. My inexperience plays there - I'd never called anyone "baby" my entire life. Except, you know, a drooly one. All I associated with the term was drooly babies. Until it got that new meaning, which is thankfully quite different from "crotch-dropping."

Some couples have specific pet names which are derived from specific instances. That's cool and all.

But, the fact remains. There is something special about using my name.

Ready, Set, Go!

2009-04-24T08:11:00.000-04:00

I've been hanging out with Ninja in ample amounts - that's always a lovely thing. Watching ...tv*... and movies and snuggling and doing work. Staying at his place, mostly, which is also fine by me.

While his pick-up lines could use a bit of polishing sometimes ("Are you period-ing?"), just being near him makes me infinitely happy and, consequently, aroused.

I was damn near asleep last night, he was laying beside me watching tv* when I felt him rest himself on my back and begin to touch me. He wrapped his arms around my neck, breathing into my shoulder, and slowly worked his cock inside me. I was awake enough by then to let out a moan, feeling his balls between my thighs. No joke, I love that. He chuckled into my neck, "You love me," and my pussy squelched with his movements. I got so wet.

Any time, day or night, whether I'm conscious or not, my body is ready for him.

I noticed, though, that ever since he's changed his desktop wallpaper to some chick with tattoos, that I've been getting a lot more sex. Like, twice each meeting. At least. Dream come true, holy shit.

Maybe that means I need to start getting my tattoos.

HEATHEN!

2009-04-17T05:05:00.003-04:00

"Hey mom, so, just for future reference, Ninja would like to come back some time to see his old friends... would he be able to stay with me? [quieter] ...in my room?"

(Mother sighs) "I went through this with your brother. He is more than welcome to stay in the house, but he'll have to sleep on the couch."

(I cringe) "...you know we're moving in together..."

"I know you are, but it's my morals and my house. I don't want you in the same bed, I don't want it in my house."

"What, you don't trust us?" I mean, I guess I could try to not have sex in the house... ohyeahright

"It's not that I don't trust you, but you're not married and it's my morals. If you want a night together, you can rent a motel."

Morals? My mom's morals? Since when did she get religious? And I really love that she said she didn't want "it" in her house. Like it's a curse or drugs or something.

I'm glad I never really experienced her sex-negative views while I was growing up. We just never talked about sex (I've still never had The Talk with my parents) and I started masturbating early enough to grow a healthy affection for it behind her back. I'd hate to be so wigged out by the thought of people sleeping together.

It's not like we can't have sex during the day, anyway. FOR SPITE. SPITE SPITE SPITE.

Days like this I wonder how I ever got conceived.

Magnum Man

2009-04-11T21:18:00.003-04:00

So, like many men, Ninja seems to be iffy about the size of his manhood. Like most well-educated women, I know it's less pure size-factor and more talent of wielding the thing, but my opinion and obvious satisfaction amounts for nothing - he still is hung (hah!) on the fact that he thinks his cock is small.

Anyone who's done a lick of research knows the average length is 5-something inches, and also that the sensitive length of the vagina is about the same. So, really, don't blame it on your size, guys. According to statistics, you just need to know how to fuck.

Despite this, the fact remains that Ninja has a pretty big cock. Like, the first time I saw it, stepping into his shower a wee little virgin who'd only just first experienced some heavy groping, I was like "oh shit" inside. I've had him measure it before - I forget the exact numeral, but 7-something in length. And thick. Perfectly proportioned. I think I should measure it myself some time. Mmm.

Now, a tidbit of information that will make many call for me to burn in hell for the rest of eternity. Ninja and I have never used condoms. I've been on the pill since I was 16, and he knew this before he took my virginity. Me being a virgin meant STI's were a miniscuel risk, and he knew himself to be clean, and laying in bed beneath him, naked, horny, anticipating, and nervous all to hell, I trusted him without a rubber. We were just very lucky to not have a problem. This goes without saying... DON'T NOT USE CONDOMS WITH NEW PARTNERS. Don't follow my example, k?

Anyway, the reason we didn't use condoms, ever, was because he said he didn't like them. They weren't comfortable. Etc., etc. So we took a leap of faith (thankfully I've always been relatively religious with my pill-taking time) and the rest is history.

He's requested anal sex, and I'm more than happy to oblige, but I don't want to do it without the safety of a condom. No condoms have been bought, no buttsex has ensued.

Well, two nights ago we were cuddling in my bed and he told me a story. He said that he was at the friendly local campus store and decided to conduct an experiment. His roommate Architect uses magnums, and Ninja always jokingly (?) claimed that's why his girlfriend must like him so much. Blah blah, big cock myth. Eyeroll.

Well, said experiment involved Ninja purchasing some magnums and trying them on. VOILA, GUYS. He told me, "They are soooo much better than normal condoms!" I cracked up for a couple minutes there. I knew it! Condoms couldn't be that much of a hardship - so many people rely on them. Secondly, POINT PROVEN. YES, Ninja, you DO have a huge cock. And lucky for me, you know how to use it.

So, there we go. Lets have anal now, k? Just take it slow.

No Period Sex, but I Got in a Good BJ

2009-04-03T19:28:00.004-04:00

So Ninja really doesn't like doing me when I'm on my period. He'll give in and we'll get it on in the shower sometimes, and once in a while we'll have a quicky with my cup in, but he always shrugs and says he doesn't like the mess.

Now being on The Pill gives me a plenty predictable schedule, and I'm on the rag for about four and a half days during the week, so it's not all that inconvenient usually. But this past Wednesday he invited me over and, unknowing of my bodily functions, expressed his desire to fuck my brains out. I sighed and told him of the predicament, and he went completely crestfallen. He proceeded to grope and tease me just enough to satisfy his cravings without going all-out and getting messy. This turned me on ridiculously and also infuriated me. I wanted some loving but he wouldn't give in!

We were laying on his bed, he wanted to nap and I was working on some homework. He got my pants off and was doing all those things, I glued the wrong side of a paper I was working on and screwed up a bunch of stuff because I was all shaky from getting so horny. He apologized for distracting me and stopped. But NO I didn't want him to STOP, I wanted him to FUCK ME.

Or maybe if he wouldn't fuck me, I'd give him a blow job. To be honest, I was beyond that point. He brilliantly suggested (I think it was more of a direct order) that I suck him off, and I just about went mad. I wanted his cock in me, and I wanted him to (just like he said he wanted to!) fuck me 'til he couldn't move. But nnnnnoooo he still didn't get messy.

I protested his suggestion and in turn told me that the next time I wanted to blow him that he wouldn't let me. Damn. Off went the rest of the clothes!

I crept over to get in position (laying on his knees looking up at him) but he grabbed my waist, grinning. "Oh no, I want your ass up here." Uuummm never done this before! A passing thought of self-consciousness was dismissed when I crawled on top of him and held his cock in my hands. Seriously, guys. It's gorgeous. The first touch of my mouth always makes him moan, and it was all good from there.

The new angle was nice, and I used my whole body to bob up and down. He was going crazy, touching my ass and talking to me. Best thing ever. But I got tired. Sweat was pouring off me. "You're so wet, you're dripping on me," he said. Well unfortunately I don't know if he's into that sort of thing but being horny, and him seeing it manifest, just turned me on even more. Hope that doesn't count as mess...

He reached for my clit and I just about melted. I lost all concentration on the blowjob and fell on him while he stroked and fingered me. It was SO GOOD. And then he stopped, and the world came back, and I had his cock between my tits so I took it up again and was intent on finishing what I'd started. He gave me those lovely, primal tips, "oh don't stop, just like that," and soon enough he was telling me that he was cumming and he stiffened in my hands and I had a full mouth of jizz. I could feel him pulsing between my lips. Yessss, success.

Ninja was out of order for a while after that. Me, well, I was frothing I was so wet. I calmed myself, pleased to have given a successful BJ. I've been masturbating multiple times per day to make up for it. I still haven't seen him and now that I'm at the end of my period I deserve some good loving from him... but I guess I should do homework instead. I'm going to go for round 3 first.

BJ FAIL

2009-03-24T20:11:00.002-04:00

I had twenty minutes or so before I had to meet with my friend London to assist in her finding a new apartment. I was pasting cut-out letters in a journal for class while watching Ninja play Total War and dominate Jerusalem when he popped up and said "Forget this computer game, lets snuggle!" I love that boy.

So we layed in bed and the gears started turning, but they jammed a bit. He knew it, of course. I'd arranged myself comfortably on top of him, looking at his face in that way I like to do that is probably rather creepy. "Stop thinking about it and just do it," he coaxed, all-knowing, after informing me that he had a hard-on. "You're making it difficult for yourself."

Okay, okay, my cover is blown so it's now or never! I shimmied down his torso and pushed his hips to the mattress and fumbled with the button on his jeans. Clumsy hands, I muttered he shouldn't be making it difficult for me to get his pants off.

His cock is amazing.

And you know what? HE DIDN'T COME. I can't give good blowjobs anymore, he hasn't finished in forever. I am upset at myself. But I won't lose faith, as long as he wants 'em.

It wasn't all terrible, of course, because after he apparently tired of me working on him, he told me to take my pants off. Off they went and I took him in me, in the slightly-awkward but pleasurable Reverse Cowgirl.

He rubbed my thighs and ass while I enjoyed myself, and warmed me up to a little anal play. We've not gone too far with that - another self-imposed road block, you see. I've got no problem with anal. It turns me on in porn and it gets me off when I fantasize about it, but sensation-wise I've not quite transitioned from the "no, you're not going to shit yourself" feeling. And I'm deathly afraid of fissures and pain. I know, I know, done properly it won't hurt at all. But I don't know 'cause I've never tried more than a handful of experiments with my vibrator.

Ninja's prodded me (hah! pun!) a few times about it but he's never got a condom, which I would prefer, and we've never got lube, which we would need.

Eventually I got a little psyched out and I started hitting the right spot so my LEGS stopped working... I leaned back and he bucked beneath me, it was freaking great. He came shortly thereafter, groaning and twitching. Aaah, I love that.

We cleaned up, I apologized for not getting him off properly, and off I went, late.

No Joke, I'm Really Shy

2009-03-24T13:47:00.004-04:00

"You don't touch me," he said quietly. We were in my room, laying in my bed and looking at his laptop. "I'm always grabbing your boobs and loving on you, but you don't hardly touch me."

I was taken aback. What a claim! But - I had to pause. Perhaps not so much a false claim as a true one. I do much more loving-on in my head than real life, that's for sure.

He sounded quite disappointed and his voice had quieted. I rolled my head into his arm. "For claiming to think about it so much you sure don't act on it. Nine times out of ten I'm the one initiating things," he continued. I shriveled up.

"I'm shy," was my only explanation. I am! My thoughts are a universe unto themselves and I'd rather hole it all up and wait for him to assure me he wants me than put myself out on a limb and risk the admittedly small chance of rejection. And even at that rejection is a harsh term.

"It's not like I'd tell you to stop," he rolled his eyes and mocked, "Oh no, stop that Emily, I don't like it when you do that!" I laughed. Okay, okay, he made sense. And hearing myself try to explain things didn't help my case... really, what justification do I have in not making the first move?

There never is justification apart from "I don't want to do something you don't like." I've always been this way in many facets of my life, but I've been getting better, haha. But this here is still a challenge for me.

I've owed him a blowjob for a couple days. I was going to. I was going to. I thought about it all day. Right now? Okay, how about after the movie. Oh wait, he turned away. Maybe in the morning? Again and again I'd find excuses to disappoint myself and find the opportunity missed. Bummer.

So after the discussion last night he mentioned the IOU BJ and I told him if he woke up in the morning that he'd get some head. He shook his head and said that I could just wake him up and do it - once again, not like he'd stop me. And I'm guessing if I love being woken up by his cock, he'd be okay with being woken up with my lips around him. Okay, go for the gold!

...I woke up for class and asked him if he was getting up. He wasn't. My body buzzed. I showered, I shaved, I trimmed. I came back into my room and watched him sleep, all stretched out in my gold sheets and looking like a god.

...And I didn't end up giving him a blowjob. And now I'm all pissed at myself, I really just really want to suck him off. But he's in class and I don't know when I'll see him. What a disappointment I am to myself! And him, the poor boy. He just wants his girlfriend to do what she wants. I want to wait outside his dorm and drag him away with me. I want him bad. I need to go play with myself now.

A Happy Return

2009-03-21T07:34:00.000-04:00

So I was so busy in China that I only managed to play around with myself twice. Ninja seemed surprised! I just didn't have the energy and I am not used to doing it in such shared space - though as it were, my second fling happened in the middle of the night, almost motionlessly, the result of some pretty hot thoughts. It was an experiment.

Anyway, Hong Kong and Beijing have hereby been Christianed.

I came home happily to Ninja and have been staying with him every night since. And we have been having some of the. best. sex. ever. No seriously, even masturbating about it has been better than usual, haha!

I've been all jet-lagged and messed up with my sleeping schedule, so I've been sleeping later than usual. It was late morning and I got woken up by him rolling over on top of me, kissing me. He kissed my chest, and I felt his hard-on against my inner thigh, and I opened my eyes to see him looking up at me. My favourite. Melted! Feeling his smooth cock press into me turned me on instantly. As was evident by his slippery entry.

I was on my back with my arms thrown behind me to push against either side of the window (yes, the shade was down) in his dorm room while we made love, and I remember distinctly the quivering of my pussy. Like, you know, almost-orgasmic contractions. The desired and natural reaction to ecstacy! They went away, but it was a pretty sweet add-on to the situation.

Being on top is often the way for we ladies to get our rocks off, so it comes to no surprise that in certain positions of cowgirl I get some paralysingly good feelings. But that's the problem - it makes me unable to move until I get my wits and start rocking again! Pisses me off immensely, but I won't complain too much. Perhaps the best part is seeing him move his hips below me and react in the very same way - he'll close his eyes tightly and his mouth will drop open just a little right when I feel him rub directly against the upper wall of my insides.

I love his reactions so much, I'm pretty sure that's a large part as to why I love giving blowjobs (we saw I Love You, Man last night, I'm hoping he'll never have the same complaint!). It's when he gives me the most feedback, particularly verbal. He'll moan, he'll talk to me a little, he'll grab my hands or pull my hair out of my face, he'll thrust his hips up to push him deeper, and tell me to squeeze his shaft harder. Tell me what you want, baby, and it's done. Especially when he badly wants to come and he'll grunt an order to just fuck him.

We'll cuddle all night, and he'll rest himself on me and tell me that he loves me. I could never get tired of hearing it. Whatever he wants, I want to give it to him. Well, almost. No threesomes.

Orgasms in China

2009-02-27T06:04:00.003-05:00

I'm going to China for two weeks. It's through the college - going to do some studying along with awesome sightseeing. Just had my last orgasm in America, gonna have fun sneaking around to masturbate in Asia! Have fun!

Destination: Boxing

2009-02-15T22:55:00.003-05:00

I've been stupendously busy with work (Valentine's Day at a gift shop is hard work!) and classes and life. But I've been busy, you know, in other ways.

Pretty happy with that.

I'd like to mention, for the record, that Ninja got hired to work for the boxing gym we attend. And when he turned out the lights and went to lock the door, I had to smile to myself. I wish he could take me right there in the ring. It would be so hot. The fact that he has access to it alone, making it closer to reality, makes it hotter.

That would be horrible, but a girl can play it out in her head, right?!

Anomaly

2009-01-28T22:37:00.003-05:00

School has started and I've only been to two subjects so far - both last week's and today's class was cancelled. But shit, man, have I been busy. 200 sketches due over the span of a weekend, ten page of a visual journal due on Thursdays, lots of prepping for my trip to China this spring break - yessss international education!

What has that meant for me? A cut-down on masturbating. I just get too damn tired. No time in the mornings (8am classes cause me to want to sleep in as much as possible) and at night I try to get started but just can't get my own blood moving. I think about masturbating at work, but I feel guilty, so I haven't yet. I used to do it semi-regularly at my old job... just a quick trip to the bathroom on lunch break. But here, I'm the only worker and I'd have to lock the door and everything. It seems mighty selfish just for some jollies.

Boy time has also been halved. Schoolwork has meant that our short spurt of going boxing nightly has ended, and the last time I saw him was Friday afternoon. I watched him play the new Star Wars game (which looks pretty beautiful) and he'd rub my back or stroke my chin. It really just made me melt. And no, I'm not talking about arousal (okay, some I am) I just felt instantly calm and peaceful and warm. His hands on my back, his fingers bending to the curves of my neck, it was instantly pacifying and purely amazing. The artifical light on his face, and the way the spheres of his pupils cast shadows on the irises, the texture of his face, the scruff on his chin. I could stay all day like that, looking at him. (I drew a portrait of him a week or so ago, and it took me forever because I just stared at his face.)

We had a bit of loving, after the Xbox was turned off. His hands on my calves, his arms bending around my legs, his balls slapping my ass, his cock twitching within me. I could stay like that all the time, too.

He said that boxing has been tiring him out. I know that stress with money, life, and school cuts down the libido, but I feel weird about the fact that his desire has changed in the past few months. Weird because I am the opposite. I want to kiss him when I'm happy, sad, and angry. Every emotion makes me quiver and I just want to touch him and make warmth between us. Being tired makes me fantasize slow and steady, feeling every muscle and drop of sweat. Normal happiness makes me want it on the kitchen counter and in the pool, in an alley way down the street. Frustration and desperation, please tie me up and fuck me, pull on my hair and smack my ass.

I think I'm an anomaly. It's not really a bother, though. I think about these things all the time anyway, whether or not they happen, and whether or not he pokes fun at me for being this way. Compromise happens somewhere.

Mess Up my Porn

2009-01-23T20:28:00.002-05:00

So I'm watching porn this evening, flipping through some clips. This porn is lame. I try some galleries. Oh, hey, new features. I don't generally explore on porn sites - I'm not that interested. But I clicked around some new features they had. And one clip that came up, really screwed up, was this chick giving a guy a blowjob through a hole cut in a pizza box AS WELL AS the pizza inside.

I click through to a selection of photos. Some people must be turned on by sex in pizza boxes, but I am truly not one of them.

And then I notice.

It is Pornstar Roommate looking up at the camera with those big spacey eyes.

*headdesk* TURNED OFF.

"Real Touch"

2009-01-16T14:55:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry, but the chick on here makes me laugh so hard! I mean, I'm sure it's great for the guy who doesn't want/can't get real pussy... though a bit sad, trying to recreate "a real sex experience," but the seriousness just gets me!

Not to mention it creeps me the fuck out. It's like an alien.

More Than He Does

2009-01-16T12:58:00.004-05:00

Saturday evening Ninja came over and stayed with me. We watched movies, snuggled, had a nice dinner, and were annoyed by my terrible roommates.

After our shower (sex in the shower!) he was sitting at my computer and I was on the floor by his knees, resting my head on him. He put his cock on my face - it seems to be something he enjoys. Me, well, it's warm and soft, so no complaints. I licked the underside of his glans, and he squirmed in his seat, and continued browsing the internet. I'd do it again sparatically. I love the reaction.

Of course it turned into a real blowjob, and a few minutes later when my cellphone rang I was licking his cum from my fingers.

He stayed with me last night, and while we were making dinner he joked that I liked giving them more than he liked receiving them. Well, I hope that's not quite true, damn.

We were watching The Secret of NIMH and he had a hard-on. He said to me that he wanted me wrapped around him. I would have stopped the movie right there and made love to him, but I didn't want to be rude. Or dirty. So I didn't. I just kept my hand on his cock, and he stroked my breasts.

But you know I should have stopped the movie, because I didn't get anything later. Or this morning. He fucked me from behind when he first arrived, just the way I like it, but didn't stop himself from coming too quickly. I joked about giving him four orgasms that day... "One down, three to go!"

Well, he only got that one, and the minute he walked out the door Sunday evening I had to masturbate.

Womanly Confidence

2009-01-07T21:08:00.003-05:00

Ninja was visiting his family down south and is staying with some friends in the suburbs 'til tomorrow or some-such. I had a nice stay with my family and friends for the holidays - I got some lovely quality time and some not-so-quality time. That's the way it is, you know?

I was chatting to him online a few days ago when I heard Brat Roommate and Pornstar Roommate having loud lesbian sex in Pornstar's room. They shower together and walk around naked all the time, I'd just never been around them actually getting it on. Until then. I mentioned it to him and he asked, "You going to join in?"

He's joked about me sleeping with other people before, and it never sat well with me. So I asked him why he said that, and he said he wondered if it was true.

My jaw fell on the floor.

Not that he really thought about it, or "whatever." Just that he thought there were "clues" and that he wondered if I was unfaithful. These clues?

"You've been pretty loose," and he figured something "big" must have been in there.

I love this boy to the moon and back. But Jesus on the bloody cross, I can't believe he thought that. I can't fucking believe it.

You can get loose from a BABY'S HEAD ripping out your twat, but I'm pretty sure only the most monsterous of cocks would leave a mark. Maybe if, say, I walked around with a cucumber up my vag all day long. But, you know, I'm pretty normal. I don't do that. So the looseness thing mystifies me; guess I'll have to do more Kegals.

But cheating. He thought I could be cheating on him. I'm broken.

We then went on to converse about my fitness. Great tangent, right? The first year of college I gained five pounds, but it didn't sit well on me. I took the stairs, went on walks around the city, partook in a free kickboxing class, but it happened. That's what I get for living cheaply and buying pasta and cafeteria food. I started becoming unattractive to him, he admitted.

Throughout our being long-distance I'd take sexy pictures for him. During that time, I got self-conscious, but he'd keep asking for them, telling me he'd see me as I was. Made me feel better, you know? Wanted. Okay. But really, I guess half the time he was lying.

I can't fault him for his preferences, but where's the elbow room? Can I compete with that? When am I actually what he wants?

Since starting boxing I've changed for the better. I am happier, I eat better, I'm much more confident. I think I'm looking pretty damn good now, and will only get better because I only get more and more motivated. But that sucked. I've been thinking about it ever since.

It has nothing to do with love, but all to do with being in a sexual relationship. Joy.

You've Been Bad this Year...!

2008-12-26T14:05:00.003-05:00

Ah, the holidays. I think about sex toys for gifts. Kink. Atmosphere. Anal. Oral. New things, old things. Pretty clothes to have him rip off.

I really just want him bad.

Working Takes the Mind off Certain Things

2008-12-24T08:31:00.003-05:00

I have been working every single day since getting over strep throat. I am SO horny. And I haven't had time to sit down and jack off. Oh, life! Woe is me!

But I did send Ninja a couple pics to keep him occupied while he is away at his home town. I wore a fun little sexy underthing I've had sitting in my drawer for months. He asked for a couple more, so I guess he liked it well enough.

And I'm off to work, then a friend's place for Christmas, then flying home for a week... I'll update in between, I swear.

Don't Lick my Spoons!

2008-12-14T22:53:00.003-05:00

I have strep throat. I got a shot in the ass, and within a week's time I should be fine. In the mean time, I am supposed to get through my review boards for college. This will be fun.

What's worse? Ninja leaves for his home town on Wednesday! I need to be better so we can have one last hurrah before he's gone 'til January 5th or some ridiculous date... He came over and we watched a movie with Marlon Brando, and he'd kiss my neck instead, and look at me smirking with his shirt pulled over his mouth and nose to fend off "the germs." Pssshhhhh... Can't even stay the night with me.

It's not the end of the world, having gone months at a time and so on. But, damn it. I want those days over! Sex, 5 times a day, 'til the day I die! Please?

Random Thoughts

2008-12-05T16:39:00.004-05:00

I did my laundry today. I wish Ninja would come over and make my sheets smell like sex again. I miss him. I miss sex. I miss having time to do things and go out and take naps curled up in each other's arms. Am I a romantic? The point is, I'm having trouble getting even the bare-minimum of my homework done, but I'd drop an evening for him in a heartbeat.

I'm an online watcher of Grey's Anatomy, and it really freaks me out that Izzy can have sex with her dead fiancé. In a recent episode she told Christina that she was having the best sex ever. Whaaat? It doesn't sound too appealing if it's all in your head. I mean, masturbating is fun and all (what do you think I was doing at 4am this morning?) but... I'll pass on ghost sex.

He Didn't Come

2008-12-01T23:11:00.004-05:00

I nudged him from the side of my bed, woke him up, asked if he wanted a shower. He mumbled yes. He looked so darn cute with his arms all tangled around his head that I snuggled up to him.

"You want a quicky?" he asked while I stared creepily at him, inches away.

YES.

Thirty minutes later I was giving him head and realized I had fifteen minutes to shower and get out the door for work. He apologized for the quicky turning into a longer session -- on the contrary, my dear, the more the merrier! I, however, apologized for him not having an orgasm...

We've shredded my mattress cover with all the sex I've had the past few days. That session that morning basically put it in ruin -- we'd switched positions, me on top, him on top, fast, slow, to oral. It was great. But.

In all the lovemaking we've had, he has never, ever, ever not come.

I know it's entirely not something to be caught up on, but I don't like that at all.

A Bump in the Night

2008-11-26T18:32:00.002-05:00

There are many pleasures to sharing a bed with your lover. I love that sometimes I'll wake in the night and adjust myself, and Ninja will accomodate me and wrap his arms around me, hold me, snug up against me. I like to watch his face, and notice the light on his body, and how the blankets wrinkle around him. I enjoy feeling the hollows and bulges of our bodies and where our skin meets and separates.

Sometime during the night I was laying on my side and I felt his hand on my hip. He was pushing himself against me, and my body was already reacting. Tremors, trembling, heat. I don't know why, but being woken up for sex is one of my favourite things. Like, favourite favourite.

He rolled on top of me and did me good as I layed on my belly, 'til he whispered if I wanted to be on top. Ugh, forcing me to regain my body so as to reposition myself -- but, of course! We rolled over and some fun hip action brought his orgasm.

That was fun. There was something that I felt which I hadn't felt in a while. Just an extra inch of passion, I suppose it might have been.

That hickey he gave me is finally almost gone. It's an interesting souvenir, a mark of ownership and a memoir of togetherness.

Have a good Thanksgiving, y'all. Ninja will be coming over - snickered that we could have sex on the countertops because all of my roommates are gone. Of course that would be a bad idea (we have a mouse army) but there's that little part of me that would do just about everything, anywhere, any time.

But, really, I'm just a normal shy girl.

Waiting for Boyfriend

2008-11-20T23:47:00.004-05:00

Ninja will be coming over soon. I haven't seen him substantially in over a week, and nearly two since the last time I saw him naked. Absurd? Yes.

During a class break and before a meeting I had with my professor I snuck into the bathroom with the intent of relieving some really freaking intense sexual frustrations. Alas, there were people around and I weirded myself out. I suffered through it, and left as a normal person would, and eventually I quieted down. Good thing, it turns out.

Real relief! It comes! Movie and snuggles.

Tapping on my Shoulder, Jerk

2008-11-13T22:55:00.005-05:00

Today I have run into so many sexual references I could pull my hair out. Even down to looking at the hot chocolate package I had to describe (don't ask) to read that the Aztecs claimed it to be an aphorodisiac. One of my groupmates remarked about something being kinky, and then the other started listing synonyms. I, of course, kept my cover and remained attuned to the assignment.

It's not even that my body wants it - my brain wants it. Maybe one of these days I'll get to exploring this interesting, infuriating separation. I haven't successfully masturbated in going on three days. I think I'll try again tonight. Like, I have to put effort into it. Which sucks, but hey, I'll deal.

Of course, there is so much more to this than just observing the fact that my sex drive is not compatable with reality. Regardless, a lack of time/attention does not kill, believe it or not. Say, let us make the best of things and get in some playtime.

Something to be Said for Resourcefulness

2008-11-12T20:14:00.003-05:00

I just heard Brat Roommate recounting to Messy roommate some unpleasant scenarios during sex. The good ol' condom up the vag, lost tampon... and sticking a make-up sponge up there to have period sex?

WHAT?! I knew she wasn't the brightest crayon, but damn. That's a bad idea. There are real alternatives, such as the Instead Soft Cup. Or just sucking it up and risking "a massacre" as someone I once knew said.

I don't even use pads or tampons because, on top of saving loads of money, I don't like the thought of fiber-y, bleached material sticking to my wet bits. I can't imagine using something that disgusting.

I learn new things about this girl every day!

Freudian Slip

2008-11-09T21:37:00.003-05:00

So Ninja has the frame of mind of "better out than in" and keeps a bottle around to spit in. Not always so elegant, but, whatever. He's a man of his own breed. This morning we were sitting at his computer and he did his business. I noticed he'd stuffed an apple core inside it. Okay, so he can't be bothered to use a proper trash bin, either, oookay.

My mind wandered around to science and spontaneous creation.

"I wonder what kind of orgasms are growing in that thing," I wondered aloud.

He snickered. "Freudian slip! You said orgasms! Hahahaha!"

I couldn't even say anything in return.

Blowjob Tip

2008-11-05T12:10:00.005-05:00

A few days ago I was over at Ninja's place. We had an evening much like the days of old, where I watched him play video games and browse the computer. I get stupidly satisfied watching him.

Also, since it makes me a burden to society, I'm finally getting to watch The Matrix Trilogy.

I spent the night, naturally. Yay! Favourite things! We took a shower in the morning, and there was shower sex in the cramped little cubicle. Something about it is strangely erotic, when my wet hair is plastered to my face and the wall.

I was on my knees for a blowjob (never completed one in that position) and things weren't going so well. No slippery, slick surface. Water was washing away my spit, so it was a lot more work. Instead, it all piled in my mouth and made me want to gag. Damn it. A few minutes of that and we switched positions, eventually splitting from the shower to his bed.

I still haven't given him a proper blowjob, and it's starting to get me down. I want his cum in my mouth. Simple, right? No, it's a delicate procedure... Well, I'll be on my period soon, and he doesn't leap at the thought of period sex, so maybe I'll get the chance to boost my morale then.

Pothead Roommate = Pornstar Roommate

2008-10-30T22:57:00.003-04:00

So Pothead Roommate is not only a pothead, she is also a porn star. Well, her star status I'm not too sure of. But anyway. We all know it, she's got a glass dildo and blah blah is an unashamed exhibitionist.

I was keeping Messy Roommate's ex boyfriend entertained while he was staying over yesterday evening when he asked if I'd seen PR's stuff. Come to think of it, no, I hadn't! I was busy researching on my laptop, but he snatched it from me and typed in her Porn Star Name on the Google search.

Up pops an interview on YouTube about being in the industry, profiles, and of course a number of sites listing her movies. He eagerly clicks a link, and, lo and behold, there's PR getting pounded by a black guy. She's grimacing on her back, grabbing her [very fake] tits and telling him to fuck her little pussy. My insides hurt. Bad porn. PR, you are a bad actress. I'm ashamed!

Another link, she's tied up and hammered by some guy through Kink.com, which is amusing because I like browsing the preview clips. I think BDSM is slightly more difficult to fake. I closed it before too long.

So her winning asset is her ass, commenters say. With camera angles they do make it pretty impressive. Her breast implants are a more recent development; in some of them she has little skinny girl tits. I've never seen her with this much make-up on, and it still doesn't hide her stoner eyes.

I didn't watch any more. This girl owes me this month's rent!

Woe is Me

2008-10-27T17:15:00.002-04:00

I just got home from having strangers stick their fingers and cold metal things up my vag, AKA the OB/GYN for a PAP smear. The hospital I go to for it is connected with a local medical school, so they have students and interns watch or do procedures under supervision. They had to wiggle around the speculum a great many times because my insides are weird, but beyond that I just stared calmly up at the light, which had a boring picture of hot air balloons over it. The doctor said, "You are so calm, cool, and collected! Thank you so much!" It must have been those hypnotizing hot air balloons.

I'm really hoping to get some quality time with the man in my life. This weekend was a no-go, everything is a no-go, I'm sad and hopeful.

Too Good

2008-10-23T22:36:00.002-04:00

"So you know when you didn't masturbate for two weeks and that first orgasm was soooo good? That's what I get when I have sex with you now, it's been so long!"

His eyes were foggy and he had that silly smile. I'd gotten on top, after seeing that lovely present he had for me beneath the covers (the other present was lunch, which I put in the oven). We were just getting into it, nice and slow and tempered, when he groaned that he was already coming. Mmm, he fell asleep right there with me on top of him, 'til I got up and realized we still had lunch in the oven.

Round two was short and sweet, and we snuggled into bed and were to nap when he noticed "you're so wet!" Well, christ, I can't help it... it had been over a week and a half. My awesome juices were all over my thighs...

After our nap, he was on top, driving into me, and the plan was to get him hard and I'd give him a blowjob. I find them a fun task, and I was pretty surprised he'd asked for one. It's usually been me! So, hello! here we go... shortly into it he gets this anxious look on his face, and he said something about going to come soon... then.. oh.. shit... he came, shuddered, laughed, collapsed onto me. He said he had to keep going then 'cause then he would have just gone on my stomach.

Boys are silly. The whole thing was pretty adorable and exciting in that I-love-to-please way; the only bad thing is that I'm horny as fuck. Just, like, that much more. I even asked if he could do my just one more time... but he didn't have it in him. I can't blame him, but... damn it.

This is What I Get for Having the Hottest Guy Around

2008-10-21T11:28:00.006-04:00

I caught up with Ninja on AIM this morning.

He told me his new circle of friends thinks he's an asshole, because he was flirting with a chick who started trying to hook up with him. He informed her of, well, me and I guess that came as a bad surprise.

So, later, I asked if he wanted to hook up with me. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

He said he wanted to but couldn't. Too much work.

Don't marriages get like this? Hmf!

A Bad Spell

2008-10-19T11:19:00.002-04:00

With midterms I've not been getting much attention. AKA haven't seen Ninja since last Sunday. I only went boxing once last week! Pitiful.

Masturbating has been pretty damn annoying, too. I lay down, assemble formation... and fall asleep or for some mental reason can't get into it.

It's always a bad sign when my drive gets that low. To be honest I can't really think of the last time this has happened. My body just doesn't respond, and I'm lazy.

But I still really want to cum.

It's time for some porn.

Yeah, it's useful when I need it, or want it. Finding good stuff is kind of difficult, though. I only go to free clip sites, and the only time I've ever had porn on my computer was when I was browsing network folders at home and found myself trapped in a huuuuge folder of... all sorts of things. Why they were on the network, I have no idea. Nor do I want to know if it was my brother's stash, father's stash.. or worse.. their stash.

Ew.

Elusive Orgasms

2008-10-17T11:13:00.004-04:00

We were crunched between my wall and spooning when he started playing with my clit. Ooh. "You close? You gonna cum all over my cock?"

Those naughty words, they drive me crazy. The thing is... I'd never done it.

WHAT?!

Confused? That's right, I am one of the most knowledgable about the fact that sex isn't all about orgasms. Sure, I masturbate to high heaven. But I haven't ever cum from sex. Not oral, not PIV, nothin'. Up until last Sunday, I'd only masturbated in the presence of Ninja once before (though he's the owner of a couple videos from when we were a LDR).

It seems odd. It even strikes me as odd. We've been together well over a year and a half and he'd only once seen my O-face. Almost appalling, right?

But no, it's not. It doesn't bother me. He makes me feel the most amazing things and tries, tries, tries--it just doesn't happen. And that's totally okay, because I still can't keep from moaning.

But this time, after his hand got tired, he placed mine there. What, he was serious?

Well, it's not like I don't want to cum. So I started rubbing.. and god damn did it take forever! I can sometimes get myself off in under two minutes (the so-called "two minute method") but part of the "problem" with sex is that it feels so different. It gets me swollen and wet like crazy, and when I play with myself I just don't get that way. So it took probably upwards of a half an hour.

During that time we adjusted our position, and I got anxious and embarassed that it was taking forever and he would fall asleep on me (three orgasms would do that to me, too) but he assured me to do it, do it, do it. So I got comfortable...

It ebbed and flowed.. closer.. farther away... a distraction and I'd set myself back a couple rounds. But eventually I felt the tightening, tingling of pre-orgasm and Ninja snapped to attention and put himself inside me again. Oh, that felt extra-good.

And then I came and it was good and I felt amazing and then he started in and out and it felt SO GOOD. I had a passing thought about my roommates, if any were home I pitied them.

So, hey. I got three hours of loving, and had an orgasm. And he gave me a hickey, too. Right on my neck. It's faded by now... no one said anything... thank god. What am I, 12?

Unfortunately, though, we're going on another week without attention. Here's hoping this cycle breaks.

With Roommates Around

2008-10-10T09:27:00.005-04:00

Mmm, morning autosex for fourty-five-plus minutes. My stamina is admirable.

I woke up early this morning, 8am. I did the morning duties in my robe, and decided I didn't yet want to start on the ominous essay I have looming over my head. Prior to falling asleep last night (with some sexy music playing) I started to play with myself... only to, you know, fall asleep. As such, I had unfinished business to do.

Back to bed I went, and thus commenced the foreplay. It was going pretty damn good with a nice fantasy unwinding when I heard something other than the footsteps of the elephants upstairs. A certain rhythmic bed rocking. Brat Roommate already was fucking her new man? I haven't even met the guy yet; they went out on a date last weekend I think.

But really, all this meant was that I was bothered by the fact that they were fucking while I was simply trying to do the same in the other dimension (the dimension that bans all homework and adult duties other than sexing). Listening to my roommates fuck is not a turn on, mostly because Brat Roommate in particular sounds like a goat in the process of getting strangled. I toned down my handy work and maintained my arousal by stuffing my head in my pillow and seeing hot things in my mind until I heard the last of the goat bleeting and bed rocking. Please, please let it be over soon...

My fingers started strumming again when... damn it, they're going for round two. Rinse, repeat.

At least we're in separate rooms, now. Brat Roommate and I used to share a room in the residence last year, and I slept with my iPod every evening she spent with a guy to try to block out their incessant goat-fucking. That didn't stop her then-boyfriend from drunkenly, mistakenly, nakedly trying to get into my bed one night, but it helped me last the year.

There Are Other Things

2008-10-06T20:48:00.003-04:00

After spending my day with my friend London, Ninja brought over some fish for me to pop in the oven and we had a fairly long-awaited night together. It was off to a late start, so the movie part of the date was out. That just means we'll have to go out some time this week, though, right?

"I hope you don't mind that I'm going to fuck your brains out all night," he said in his suave tone. He just uses the right words, doesn't he? Don't even get me started by his oh-so-strategic use of the term "pee-pee." By the way; no, I don't mind at all.

The night progressed and he had a headache and got grouchy. He grabbed my tit and sketched it out for homework... but that was all the de-braining I got of the evening. He apologized, and of course it was okay. I do keep him around for more than one reason, don't you know!

Didn't mean I didn't try to tempt him by trailing my hanging breasts across his chest as I snaked across his body to lay beside him. But he was true to his word, and I helped him finish his homework and was sedated by the feeling of his body under my covers. I got snuggles, kisses, and happiness. It was a sweet, comfortable night.

There's I O U waiting for me though...!

Lets Break the Bed

2008-10-03T20:54:00.002-04:00

Classes make me want to hang myself, and everyone else has been having a rough go of things as well. I even went a few days without playing with myself. I'd get into bed, get all cozied up, spread my legs... and fall asleep.

But that didn't last too long.

Relationship-wise, things have become erratic. I spent the night with Ninja a week ago, and we've gone boxing once or twice. (You have no idea how much I just want to push him in someone's dark driveway and fuck him. It would be a great warm-up, right?) Contact is at a minimum but it is becoming less frustrating; the only thing I can do is care less. That sounds harsher than it is.

It's not all shades of gray, though. Tuesday was pretty fun. I was merrily typing away at an application when Ninja IMed asking if I'd like to take a break. Well, duh. So I typed faster and we had about an hour to enjoy each other's company before I had to be at work.

Quickies are fun and awesome, but I really am starting to miss the longer sessions. I miss giving him three orgasms, I miss trying to get to my own. I don't like to because it will take forever, and we just don't have forever anymore.

Not that I'm ungrateful for his genius idea, however... nor am I ungrateful for the fact that I said "no, no, no!" but he still went "yes, yes, yes!" and took me from behind, standing.

Today I was zombified, sitting in my robe doing homework, when the doorbell rang. It was Ninja! Life came back to me. He came in to surprise me, shivering, begging me to curl up in bed. I was pissed about some rude business at his hand the night prior, but I certainly couldn't let the boy remain cold.

So, as it goes, I was riding him on top, tits bouncing in his face, hands on my headboard, when I noticed the squeaking of my bed. I paused and said, "There is something I want to do before I die."

"What's that?"

"I want to break a bed," I replied. He laughed and said he was thinking the very same thing, "Lets break this bed!" Well, no, this is my ancient bed, and I need it.

So it's been arranged that the last day before he moves out of the dorms, we're going to try to break his bed. I don't really know how we'd do that, but it'll be fun trying. We'd better not forget about this. I want to experience bed-breaking sex.

There's no telling when I'll get my lovin's next. I hate that... but I did like the surprise today. I've got my fingers crossed.

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Oh yeah, where you at? (Credit)

My Sex Life when I'm NOT in a Long-Distance Relationship... Revisited

2008-09-23T16:35:00.003-04:00

So that delightful combination of morning sex, shower sex, and post-shower sex is a thing of the past.

Cuddling afterwards is also minimal, because I'm usually the one that has to jump up immediately to get ready for work or school.

I've had sex... twice? Three times in the last week? I've seen Ninja that many times.

It sucks a lot.

So, amended, this is my sex life when I finally have my boyfriend within arm's reach, but other shit gets in the way. My pussy is raging, but instead I have to read about Japanese history, or go to work, or any number of completely nonsexy things.

We had a bit of a talk about this, Ninja and I. See, we used to be together all the time. Almost daily. I had work, Ninja didn't have a job much of the time. So I'd go see him every night, and we'd hang out during the weekends, and so on. We had all the free time in the world, and whenever his roommate was gone we'd be at it in the bed and I got to slowly explore my desires.

But life's not like that, now. We're both in school full-time, and work any number of days per week, and it's only proper to have friends on the side in addition to homework time. It's a lucky thing we box together, but he's hardly been going to that.

It's embarassing that... I guess he's more mature to acknowledge that, whereas I envisioned nights out on the town, sharing a bed, showering together, and calling to see how the other was when we were apart for days at a time.

It's funny: even though he's finally close to me, finally here... I miss him more than when we were hundreds of miles apart. I guess it is silly.

That's the price of growing up and trying to ensure a future, though, right? Sacrifices. We need to get through this before travelling the world and being amazing artists. Or whatever will happen.

But, hell! Masturbating doesn't cut it in the slightest. I've even started to give up on it.

But I'm horny, and it's my only option, so I'm going to go play with myself.