Anomaly

School has started and I've only been to two subjects so far - both last week's and today's class was cancelled. But shit, man, have I been busy. 200 sketches due over the span of a weekend, ten page of a visual journal due on Thursdays, lots of prepping for my trip to China this spring break - yessss international education!

What has that meant for me? A cut-down on masturbating. I just get too damn tired. No time in the mornings (8am classes cause me to want to sleep in as much as possible) and at night I try to get started but just can't get my own blood moving. I think about masturbating at work, but I feel guilty, so I haven't yet. I used to do it semi-regularly at my old job... just a quick trip to the bathroom on lunch break. But here, I'm the only worker and I'd have to lock the door and everything. It seems mighty selfish just for some jollies.

Boy time has also been halved. Schoolwork has meant that our short spurt of going boxing nightly has ended, and the last time I saw him was Friday afternoon. I watched him play the new Star Wars game (which looks pretty beautiful) and he'd rub my back or stroke my chin. It really just made me melt. And no, I'm not talking about arousal (okay, some I am) I just felt instantly calm and peaceful and warm. His hands on my back, his fingers bending to the curves of my neck, it was instantly pacifying and purely amazing. The artifical light on his face, and the way the spheres of his pupils cast shadows on the irises, the texture of his face, the scruff on his chin. I could stay all day like that, looking at him. (I drew a portrait of him a week or so ago, and it took me forever because I just stared at his face.)

We had a bit of loving, after the Xbox was turned off. His hands on my calves, his arms bending around my legs, his balls slapping my ass, his cock twitching within me. I could stay like that all the time, too.

He said that boxing has been tiring him out. I know that stress with money, life, and school cuts down the libido, but I feel weird about the fact that his desire has changed in the past few months. Weird because I am the opposite. I want to kiss him when I'm happy, sad, and angry. Every emotion makes me quiver and I just want to touch him and make warmth between us. Being tired makes me fantasize slow and steady, feeling every muscle and drop of sweat. Normal happiness makes me want it on the kitchen counter and in the pool, in an alley way down the street. Frustration and desperation, please tie me up and fuck me, pull on my hair and smack my ass.

I think I'm an anomaly. It's not really a bother, though. I think about these things all the time anyway, whether or not they happen, and whether or not he pokes fun at me for being this way. Compromise happens somewhere.

Mess Up my Porn

So I'm watching porn this evening, flipping through some clips. This porn is lame. I try some galleries. Oh, hey, new features. I don't generally explore on porn sites - I'm not that interested. But I clicked around some new features they had. And one clip that came up, really screwed up, was this chick giving a guy a blowjob through a hole cut in a pizza box AS WELL AS the pizza inside.

I click through to a selection of photos. Some people must be turned on by sex in pizza boxes, but I am truly not one of them.

And then I notice.

It is Pornstar Roommate looking up at the camera with those big spacey eyes.

*headdesk* TURNED OFF.

"Real Touch"

I'm sorry, but the chick on here makes me laugh so hard! I mean, I'm sure it's great for the guy who doesn't want/can't get real pussy... though a bit sad, trying to recreate "a real sex experience," but the seriousness just gets me!

Not to mention it creeps me the fuck out. It's like an alien.

More Than He Does

Saturday evening Ninja came over and stayed with me. We watched movies, snuggled, had a nice dinner, and were annoyed by my terrible roommates.

After our shower (sex in the shower!) he was sitting at my computer and I was on the floor by his knees, resting my head on him. He put his cock on my face - it seems to be something he enjoys. Me, well, it's warm and soft, so no complaints. I licked the underside of his glans, and he squirmed in his seat, and continued browsing the internet. I'd do it again sparatically. I love the reaction.

Of course it turned into a real blowjob, and a few minutes later when my cellphone rang I was licking his cum from my fingers.

He stayed with me last night, and while we were making dinner he joked that I liked giving them more than he liked receiving them. Well, I hope that's not quite true, damn.

We were watching The Secret of NIMH and he had a hard-on. He said to me that he wanted me wrapped around him. I would have stopped the movie right there and made love to him, but I didn't want to be rude. Or dirty. So I didn't. I just kept my hand on his cock, and he stroked my breasts.

But you know I should have stopped the movie, because I didn't get anything later. Or this morning. He fucked me from behind when he first arrived, just the way I like it, but didn't stop himself from coming too quickly. I joked about giving him four orgasms that day... "One down, three to go!"

Well, he only got that one, and the minute he walked out the door Sunday evening I had to masturbate.

Womanly Confidence

Ninja was visiting his family down south and is staying with some friends in the suburbs 'til tomorrow or some-such. I had a nice stay with my family and friends for the holidays - I got some lovely quality time and some not-so-quality time. That's the way it is, you know?

I was chatting to him online a few days ago when I heard Brat Roommate and Pornstar Roommate having loud lesbian sex in Pornstar's room. They shower together and walk around naked all the time, I'd just never been around them actually getting it on. Until then. I mentioned it to him and he asked, "You going to join in?"

He's joked about me sleeping with other people before, and it never sat well with me. So I asked him why he said that, and he said he wondered if it was true.

My jaw fell on the floor.

Not that he really thought about it, or "whatever." Just that he thought there were "clues" and that he wondered if I was unfaithful. These clues?

"You've been pretty loose," and he figured something "big" must have been in there.

I love this boy to the moon and back. But Jesus on the bloody cross, I can't believe he thought that. I can't fucking believe it.

You can get loose from a BABY'S HEAD ripping out your twat, but I'm pretty sure only the most monsterous of cocks would leave a mark. Maybe if, say, I walked around with a cucumber up my vag all day long. But, you know, I'm pretty normal. I don't do that. So the looseness thing mystifies me; guess I'll have to do more Kegals.

But cheating. He thought I could be cheating on him. I'm broken.

We then went on to converse about my fitness. Great tangent, right? The first year of college I gained five pounds, but it didn't sit well on me. I took the stairs, went on walks around the city, partook in a free kickboxing class, but it happened. That's what I get for living cheaply and buying pasta and cafeteria food. I started becoming unattractive to him, he admitted.

Throughout our being long-distance I'd take sexy pictures for him. During that time, I got self-conscious, but he'd keep asking for them, telling me he'd see me as I was. Made me feel better, you know? Wanted. Okay. But really, I guess half the time he was lying.

I can't fault him for his preferences, but where's the elbow room? Can I compete with that? When am I actually what he wants?

Since starting boxing I've changed for the better. I am happier, I eat better, I'm much more confident. I think I'm looking pretty damn good now, and will only get better because I only get more and more motivated. But that sucked. I've been thinking about it ever since.

It has nothing to do with love, but all to do with being in a sexual relationship. Joy.