Clean Slate

I landed a gorgeous 1 bedroom apartment in a fantastic new neighborhood, close to public transportation. I had Rufus and London come with me to measure things out, where I can put all my furniture. I'll be moving in soon after I get back from my trip Back Home next month, avoiding the September 1st rush.

I'm meeting people, and conversing with people. New people, old people. Being social, being happy. I feel unlike I have ever felt before. It is liberating.

Every morning when I walk past the construction workers taking their 9am break, they nod their head to me and keep their eyes on me. It's a little creepy, but a little exciting at the same time.

My long-term internet friend Dragon has admitted to me that he thinks he has a crush on me. I expected it to come out now that I'm single, and come out it did. I declined him gently; he is too timid even for me. Today, however, he admitted that he used photos of me to get off on. Being a poor Christian boy, he felt extremely guilty and felt the need to tell me. Being understanding of his fragile mentality about the whole thing, I told him his private business is his private business. But I did bid him not tell me much more about it; I can't much bear to think of him in a sexual way. I can only hope things won't escalate on his end, because I'm not interested in being anything other than his confidant. I'll keep his secrets, but not partake in them...

Another old friend of mine called me irresistably sexy, among other quite flattering, surprising things.

This time of complete singleness have been interesting, to say the least. And of all the times moves have been made on me, I've rejected them all. But, I did meet someone that I didn't want to reject. So, I did go out on a date with him, despite my previously established rule against it for whatever unforseen amount of time. Just to have some fun. But hells yeah, that date was worth it.

I will explain later...

Last Tears

Ninja is gone. The last time I saw him was Thursday morning; he said he figured we didn't want him around, so he'd be gone and get a ride to the airport for his flight this morning. I stood there for a few minutes looking at him before I left for work; he'd lain down on the floor for some reason. I started to cry, and he grabbed my ankle and said, "I'll miss you too." I gave him a hug and left, still crying, to find my friend London waiting out the door for me, ready to give me a hug.

He texted me later on, saying again that he would miss me, and that he had wished he had appreciated what he had because I was "the shit." I replied that I would miss him, too, and something else... I don't remember.

The more I thought of things during the day, the better I felt. I recalled how I felt before he had confessed to me and reopened the wounds.

I came home to an empty house, with all of his things gone or left neglected, strewn on the floor and dusty. The emotions came back again; the sense of this huge event that was happening to me. The fear of the unknown, the fear that he will have taken a part of me that I'll never get back again. The fear of loneliness.

I took a shower and cried again, but once I turned off the water, my tears dried as well. This wasn't so huge for me; I was to continue living my life and loving what I did. I was not alone, I was not weak, and I was not dependent. I loved and will continue to do so. It was like a switch has been flipped.

I can imagine that a part of me will always love him. He is a thinker, he has talent, he has spirit. He was my first.

But things weren't right, and I've accepted all of those truths. I suppose it gives me c0nfidence, or something. I've been asked out by three different aquaintances in the past two weeks, haha.

A Mistake

Ninja is leaving in about 36 hours.

I'm not sure how I feel. He hasn't learned what he needs to, despite him going so far as to confess to me and verbalize what needs to be done. But his actions prove otherwise, and it cements the fact that I cannot trust him as he is. I hope he will learn what he needs to, truly, some day. I don't think he can do it on his own, and I hope he will set aside his pride and admit that. But who wants to do that?

We were talking two days ago. I asked him to not take either of my two matching chairs, and it turned into an argument, and then it turned into me crying, and then he hugged me to comfort me. Then he carried me to the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. It's a blur, but he began to kiss my neck, and I told him to please stop.

Please don't, please stop.

He said, he won't tell me he loves me. He wants me to feel pleasure. It's his gift to me, because I want it and he knows it.

I said, I don't need it. I don't want it, please stop. Don't do it, just do what you need to do, that's all I want, please stop.

But he didn't stop touching me, and I couldn't stop him, my body wanted it, his hands grasped my pelvis and his lips were on my ear, and then he removed my clothes and kissed my pussy, and my control fell away.

He pleased me for I don't know how long. And then he removed his pants, and came up to face me, and we kissed, and I felt him enter me and it was amazing. I missed those feelings, those sensations. Watching his cock disappear between my legs, seeing his shadow move over me, feeling the sheets stick to my skin.

And I felt pleasure.

I finally asked him to stop, and he pulled me up and hugged me again, sweating with me.

And then I felt empty. He had cheated on his girlfriend with me now, and I am a terrible person. He said it was nothing, it was a gift, he wanted me to feel good.

I did. But now I don't.

I feel terrible.

My Palace

I'm apartment hunting, for September. Ninja will be flying back to Texas in a week, leaving me and Architect Roommate to enjoy our apartment for a month and a half before our lease ends. I'm really looking forward to being able to have a place where I can bring people over and chill out and be social.

I have been looking for more roommate-type situations, as they are definitely cheaper. But, I found by chance a 1 bedroom that is only slightly out of my range.. and it has switched me on to having my own, private space. I had a deep fear of loneliness before; I would be depressed, sitting at my desk all day long with no one to talk to, to interact with. More connected to, no one to love me, no one to touch. No one to confide in.

But I made it so long without the security I thought I had, in reality. I was lonely with Ninja, desperate to feel unlonely, so I tried to spend all my time with him. Counterproductive, yes. And now that I am breaking out, I love myself in my free time, and I love going out and hanging out whenever I wish to with whomever I wish to. I don't feel lonely at all.

I can have my own place on my own terms, and enjoy being there. I can walk around naked without fearing a roommate sighting. I can invite people over for drinks, for a night of fun. For something casual, for something serious. It can be my temple, or my festival square.

And it will be MINE. I will not live with a significant other again. I will establish myself as an independent woman, because it feels damn good. I can invite a man inside, yes. But it will be a long time before I share myself again. I think that's a good thing.

I was naiive.

He Came Clean

Be prepared for an emotion-driven post.

Ninja came clean to me this morning. Two days ago I'd asked him on a whim why he'd strung me along for so long, but he gave me no truthful answer as I had suspected.

Then, this morning, he woke me up with red, wet eyes. He said, "You wanted to know why I strung you along, now I will tell you..."

He explained to me from the beginning his antics. The situation turned out to be worse than I had thought, which is unsettling as it was bad enough. I started off as another girl to cheat on his other girlfriend with; then he fell in love with me because I was perfect, and then he picked me apart and found other girls without my flaws, because I was not making him happy anymore. And then he turned me into the previous girlfriend, a safety net for himself.

He uses women to make himself happy, and he does not know how to be happy himself.

I was glad that he told me these things; all I wanted from him was the truth. I knew all along things were not right, but I brainwashed myself. I wanted so badly to believe his words.

He feels lost, lonely, and scared. The Other Woman is another one that he has fallen in love with, but they're going to have to break up because they are moving out of New England. He wants things to work with her. He wondered if things would work with me one day, because apparently he loves me and didn't regret giving me a ring and telling me he loved me every day for years on end.

I was upset that he started to feel, to let his emotions be noticed, and that he felt guilt. He needs to feel guilty for what he did; otherwise, he would be a sociopath. But then he went backwards and said he wanted to do things for The Other Woman, to try to be with her. I said, "You are starting the cycle all over again. Just leave; forget her, forget me, and learn to love yourself."

After our conversation, I realized that my body had betrayed me. I hate myself for being attracted to him, when he has done me so much wrong. But I went a long, long time knowing these things and was always attracted to him. But now, with it in the open, I feel stupid that I could still find it in myself to want his touch. I am an idiot.

I masturbated this evening, and he came into my fantasy. He stayed there, 'til the end, and I cried after my orgasm subsided. He doesn't want me; I was a convenience for him. He could have had my body every day, but he still didn't enjoy me enough to be mine.

I wish I could have someone's touch, sometimes. I don't want someone to love me. I don't want someone to say that they love me. I don't want someone to lie to me. I just want someone to make my body feel good; to make my body feel right. Don't talk to me, don't confuse me, just touch me.

I can't have it, and I know I shouldn't. I just... I wish my body wasn't so sensitive to eroticism. I wish my body would turn off for now, because nobody will have me and treat me right.

But I am a sexual creature. I always have been. I don't need someone else to make me happy... I just wish I could satisfy my nature.

The Museum of Sex, NYC

I just got back from a trip to NYC! It was lovely and I had an absolute blast with my friend London.

One of the stops we made was to the Museum of Sex. It was an interesting place, definitely one of the highlights.

The entrance is their store, filled with magnets, condoms, and books. There is a leather pillow with a cock impression on it, which I thought would be pretty sweet but actually seemed poorly made. I ended up getting some plates with some sex pin-up silhouettes on it, and London got a condom lollypop and some little touristy things. The books were many and varied, though I didn't see anything I particularly wanted. The sex toy selection was minimal, but that was alright. Their shirts, which I would have loved to have purchased, just weren't cool or clever enough to warrant. Disappointed in that.

We got our tickets and moved into the first exhibition, which was on moving image. Basically, three rooms filled with tv screens streaming porn, intimate scenes in movies, sexy commercials, and what have you. It was fascinating (yes, I read all the captions) and rather exciting to be in a room filled with people, watching people fuck. It was like an orgy that wasn't happening. There were some rambunctious people making light of the situation, but most seemed to be enjoying it on a scholarly level. No boners walking around, but I was feeling the effects of things pretty quickly. Being in public, of course, I just walked on to continue reading...

The next exhibition was all about condoms, or rubbers as they are also called. It was also pretty interesting and quite informative. Displays of all the packaging, histories, a long movie from Trojan on all the fun things they do to make sure you don't get spermies running rampant. They had a nice section on STIs which was a mood-killer.

There was a room filled with sex dolls, outfits, and fine art. Drawings by picasso, nude photography, and other things. Writings by burlesque dancers and French postcards. It was a nice collection. Some of the dolls you could touch... I refrained. They also had a bunch on Hentai and all that anime stuff, along with some robots. Some leather suits and latex. Some hot, some not.

The last exhibition was on the sex lives of animals, which was just plain creepy. But interesting as well. They had all about the bonobo monkeys, dolphins, animal masturbation, duck necrophilia, and so on. Sculptures of dolphins sticking their penises in their blowholes, and that weird thing with the three deer all mounting each other. Sex is so free in the animal world...

So, that was fun. I wonder if there are any other sex museums around; I should go visit them all!

Plan in Motion: Genital Piercing

Around a year ago, I mentioned a desire to get a genital piercing. It never worked out, for lack of effort on my part and enthusiasm on my partner's.

Now, I'm revisiting that idea. I've spoken to my trusted piercer back in my home state and confirmed that they do the triangle piercing that I originally wanted. He said to me that he is somewhat morally against them due to some drama surrounding the "inventor" of it and such, but that they have some practice with it.

So, if I am anatomically built for it, I will go for the triangle piercing (pierces horizontally beneath the clitoris). If not, I will get a simple vertical clitoral hood (pierces long-ways/vertically through the clitoral hood). We'll find out when I get there, which will be mid-August.

I'm quite positive I will go for it. I love piercings, and I love how they look. I'm interested in the possible sexual enhancement, but that is by no means their only winning point in my eyes. I absolutely adore my nipple piercings and expect to have the same results with this one. It makes me feel... true to myself. It's something you can't get from just looking at me - you have to know me. People may look at me, but they don't know me. Plus, they look fucking awesome.

I could only hope to find a guy with piercings of his own, though I'm guessing I'll never encounter it. One of my friends, Pyro, had a Prince Albert for a short period before taking it out, but he's the only guy I know that's badass enough to do that.

I hope to have a partner who will enjoy giving me oral sex, or at least one that won't tell me to my face that they think my vulva is ugly. Maybe this is subconsciously part of my reason for getting it; I don't know. I have been told once by a lesbian friend that my vulva was beautiful; but women tend to be that way, don't they? Regardless... I love my breasts that much more after having them pierced, and having them played with is much more fun. I love my clit, and maybe this will make it more fun for both parties, too.

Waiting for a couple friends to respond if they'd like to come with me to get it done, to hold my hand! Haha. Nipples didn't hurt, nor did the nostril, but I'm not going to make assumptions about this territory. Especially with the triangle, uhhh, that's a lot of flesh!

I feel sort of vain... but I love my body sometimes. If I more vain, I'd post a pic. I'm too shy and nervous though.

I want this piercing done so badly! Hurry up, August, hurry up.

Me, and Five Other Women

I'm becoming slightly more aware of myself. And appreciative. I feel good, I look good. It makes me happy, and it makes me talkative, and it makes me feel alive.

I'm learning about myself, and what I like. What I like to wear, what I like to do, what I like to see. I suppose I had closed myself off, in my relationship. While he never told me what to wear, he'd (all within his rights) tell me if he didn't like something, and subsequently in my submissive ways I would try to do what he said he liked. It wasn't a control thing, I simply wanted to please him.

Now, I'm experimenting a little. I refuse to wear make-up, but I've got some nicer shoes, some nicer clothes, been putting some sweet polish on my nails. Little things I always enjoyed but rarely indulged in.

I was a wimp.

Being aware of myself, I have then become more aware of my surroundings. Ninja would relentlessly comment on whatever faintest male attention I would get when we were out, but I never had the slightest hint. I'm sure some of it was embellished before, but I'll notice now when a man does a double-take or stealthily looks at me in the reflection of a window. There are always the strange encounters of whistling and "damn!" while crossing paths.

It is difficult for me to assess how these events make me feel. I feel pleasure, certainly. Someone finds me attractive, that is nice. But, if they find me attractive enough to let me catch them looking at me, much less making a show of it with some holler... I'm sure they do it to many others. And it's meaningless. If one were to talk to me, I'm sure they've talked to dozens of other girls. And like that one guy who gave me his number a few months ago, I'm sure he's given it out to countless girls before.

I am just another girl to be looked at.

I felt so special when Ninja first started befriending me in our drawing class, three and a half years ago. Here was an attractive man, friendly, talented, talking to me. He was a social butterfly, indeed, but he took time out of his day to particularly get to know me. He hounded me, pursued me, and charmed me, and I felt special. I felt wanted, I felt so surprised! I resisted him, but he didn't give up. I thought that meant he must really have wanted me.

Instead, I imagine I just put up a good chase. He would talk to other women just the same as he spoke to me.

This is something I hope I will get over one day, but I can't help that believe that if anyone were to actually show real interest in me, that they would be playing me along with five other women. There is something to be said for dating casually and non-exclusively, sure. But how can you ever know if someone is faithful?

In that sense, I feel ruined. I can't fathom trusting someone's fidelity. I absolutely have no faith in it.

With that mindset, I know I can't go about seeing men. Of course, I am busy enough with my life and my self-awareness. It is my current path. I accept it and I welcome it every day.

I can, however, always trust the talented, faceless lovers of my fantasies!

That Boy is a M-M-M-Monster

A friendly commenter suggested I reconsider my claim in the last post that Ninja never loved me.

They had a fresh point of view, and pointed out that he seemed genuine with me from my depictions of him here. They were right in that I should not be tempted to make him into a monster.

Truly, I am not trying to make him into a monster. There were lovely times, and there were wonderful times. We had plans, we had shared interests. That was, of course, what I fell in love with. I know that he has the potential to be a great person, boyfriend, and husband. He could truly be successful and confident. I have been with him enough to at least know that.

The truth which I was hesitant to share (omg dramaz!!!) was that he is a chronic liar and womanizer. I had my suspicions, I had my paranoia, sometimes I even had it layed out right in front of me with big flashing signs, but I thought that I was just paranoid and that my "love" could fix it otherwise. I thought I could live with it because he never told the truth to my face. I simply wanted to believe his words.

When you lie, the truth will eventually come forward. And it has.

Until some event happens, he will not face what he needs to face in order to grow up and be a healthy person. And because of what I now know, I don't believe he loved me. I hope he cared about me sometimes, as his actions may have suggested, but you could not love someone and do what he has done to me.

As such, it is in my best interests to wash my hands of him. But I don't wish anything bad on him at all. I hope he will rise up one day and not hurt anyone else, but we all have our paths in life and lessons to learn. I had my part in this as well, in being an unhealthy outlet for his behavior.

I didn't want this to turn into a blog about my dramaz, so I've tried not to. I am grateful for what he has taught me, both under the circumstances of our break-up and simply for the good that did exist. (He did inspire me to start this blog, at any rate.)

Believe me, so many people I have spoken to want me to turn into the psycho ex-girlfriend and unleash on his ass. But I just don't think that is going to affect him at all, and it will only take up my energy. I am taking my lessons, and my memories, and I don't regret a thing.

"Making Love"?

If he never loved me, did we ever "make love"?

I don't often use that phrase - I suppose all the different terms for sex jumble around with different shades of meaning on them. It is a heavy, emotional phrase. Some people think it's bullshit. Me, I'm not sure what I think it means.

When we would sleep together, I would notice subtle details, and cherish the whole experience. The lighting, muscles moving underneath skin, sweat trickling, sheets twisting. I would reach my hands towards him and feel his torso, his abdomen, his face. Feel the stubble, touch his earlobes, crush my fingernails into his side, push his ass towards me as he thrusted. He would kiss my feet, nuzzle me, caress my breasts, look into me softly.

Even the last time we slept together, days after we had broken up and I knew it was so wrong wrong wrong to give into him, we did these things. While we were together, it felt to me that these things were a part of making love. I loved him. I thought he loved me.

But he didn't.

So, I feel angry at myself for thinking that it was love. I feel angry that the deception of love was so strong that I refused otherwise. I feel angry that being a woman, with passion, made me a victim.

There is most certainly a separation between love and sex. I don't believe at all that you need to love someone to have and enjoy sex with them. Many people live out this truth, and I have no problem with that.

But sometimes, sex is an expression of love. And I had thought that I had experienced that. It's just amazing to me that I was so fooled, and now all those feelings seem so far away.

Refreshed

Whew, guys.

A lot has happened in the past few days. Many conversations, much introspection, some healthy flirting. I feel completely renewed! I have been rockin' my job, eating some great food, talking with fabulous people.

This weekend I'm going to go to the mall with London and get some new fashions - Ninja was always very picky so I wouldn't often deviate from my normal plain style. But I feel like being adventurous.

I've been learning how to be flirty again, particularly with some of the fine fellows that come into the chocolate store I work at. I have to say it's pretty fun! I get along so well with men; I'd forgotten that. But I enjoy their company and I enjoy their way of thinking, with or without some saucy remarks. Per my modest wishes, I have been granted a few nice compliments. It has made me feel like, maybe, some day, someone will really want me again.

Sex is on the brain again, twofold. I won't pursue any man quite yet, but I ache for touch and passion. I feel that magnetism sometimes, if I stand near. I remember what it truly feels like, sexual energy. It is a beautiful, raw thing.

Transferring that to my masturbation habit, oh damn. My orgasms have been ridiculous. The moments creeping up to climax make me moan audibly, and the peak itself is phenomenal. I don't know why, particularly, but I don't mind one bit. I fantasize as I normally have... but everything is electrified. I love masturbating. Maybe one day I will find a partner I could climax with. That would possibly turn me into a sex addict, though. My two favourite things.

Anyway, this is my state of being.

Here's to 100 More!

100th post!

And what a journey it has been! I've let out my insecurities, my wishes, my thoughts. And I've even still held back more. I've been greatly pleased having this blog, and having a couple readers that enjoy it enough to tell me so.

Speaking of you, dear readers, what do you like to read? Should I tell more stories? I won't ever get into writing explicit things too much, but is that why you are here? Should my posts be more structured like a typical blog, instead of diary-esque? Or should I just do whatever the hell I want? Please, comment or email me your thoughts. I'm going through everything in my life and restructuring it all, and while I'm at it I may as well see what you friendlies would like to see me do. Tricks, I do tricks for money.

Today, in itself, has been a profound day. I feel refreshed, renewed, and reenergized. I've shed a lot of old skin today, and I am grateful for it. To top it off, I think I look pretty damn good!

Thank you for everything!

Love's Residue

Being busy is a great distraction, but there are quiet times where my mind opens up and I think, analyze, and mourn.

He lied to me, but I loved him. He cheated on me, and I still wanted to love him. Now he has abruptly decided to not speak to me, and I have no idea why, and I still want to love him.

Our relationship was not healthy, and would not have lasted as it was - I see it now. But I miss my friend. I miss the security I felt. I miss the promise that he would always be there for me, and that I could always call him. I miss him wanting me, craving me, touching me, kissing me.

It's dead, now. I will miss the memories and the illusion it was. I will get over it. I will guard my heart and not give away my secrets anymore.

It's been three weeks, and it feels like yesterday.

Hormones...

At the tail end of my period, now. It was light this time around - I wonder if it is stress-related.

I wonder what things in my body are hormone related. I've never had PMS (I guess sometimes, but not characteristically), and my sex drive never rose during my period as many women report. If anything, Ninja always seemed to be keen on me while I happened to be mensturating, which was a funny thing. But I've always felt relatively steady emotionally, despite whatever cycles actually exist.

My libido has, in my time with Ninja, been in a high gear. Always. Was that related to hormones? What was I like before him? I guess. I masturbated often, looked at some porn, etc. etc. It was different when he came along, though. Is there some connection that is made with another person of the opposite sex? I should look these things up.

Currently, I don't think about sex so much. It still crops up, but it's too fresh to really think about. Instead, I keep busy. This is a part of the healing process I suppose. Stress affects everything, the bitch that it is. And I try to ignore things in retaliation, and hope they will turn out okay somehow.

Back to the Music

I went to a show last night with a new friend, Shades, and some of his buddies. It was a show featuring a few bands in a club, I knew one of the bands. This was a part of my effort to go out and do things, instead of just saying I want to. It's always been a problem for me, and now that I'm single not buying groceries for two, I may as well enjoy the hot summer nights somewhere other than the apartment.

I struggled with my outfit. I don't have club-y clothing. I have conservative, baggy tops, and then some halter necks that show too much cleavage. I didn't want to show too much tit, but I didn't want to look like a loser in rags. I didn't want to attract attention, but I wanted to fit the part. I haven't gone out to have fun in a long time, apparently. Too, too long.

I spent too long fussing and ended up going with a solid spaghetti strap tank top, with a bra. I didn't want my nipple piercings to be conspicuous, even if I didn't expect cold environments. Not exciting, but it fit and I looked good.

The show was lovely. I got a couple free drinks from a few generous fellows and stepped back into the music, enjoyed myself, danced. Met more new people, got hit on by a few creepers. The typical night at a club, at least for me anyway. I always seem to fall into music when I'm going through a tough time. It's a pretty nice remedy, especially when you're right in front and the lead singer has a nice, airy button-down shirt halfway unbuttoned, so you can see the sweat running down his abs. That was quite the pick-me-up, haha.

I wish creepers wouldn't be the only ones to hit on me, though. I'm not even considering dating, but it would do my self-esteem wonders to have a nice, fit man give me a compliment. There was an attractive guy who tried to have an intellectual conversation about how to get a drink at the bar, but it didn't do it for me.

I'm only 22. I'm bound to get a compliment (and laid) before I die, right?

One Step Forward... Backwards...

So time is passing. I'm doing quite well - I started a second job/internship which is in my creative field and I am kicking ass. It's so much fun and motivating to be doing what I hope to do for the rest of my life (or something like that) before I've even graduated. There seems to be an opportunity for long-term employment, which is even more exciting. I feel good. This Monday I begin a summer class. It will be a busy summer, to keep my mind clear.

Ninja and I have been okay. What does that mean? We chat, we'll do dishes, we'll still watch tv shows together, and we go our separate ways and do our thing. He'll go to The Other Woman's house, and talk to her, in addition to his friends, or so I expect. I work and go out with my friends more. He plays xbox more than ever.

I've slept with him twice since the break-up.

I didn't want to, but I did want to as well. Maybe I just feel poorly because he is the only one to give me physical attention, the only one who wants me. I still care about him and can't deny the pleasures of the flesh.

But he obviously doesn't even want me. I would have fucked him five times a day for the rest of my life, done every act he would have ever mentioned, and it still did me no good. He needed the "excitement" of another woman, his own words. I wanted him every day, but he didn't want me.

Ugh. I'm going through the post-breakup thing, which I'm not very good at. I'm happy to be meeting other people and staying busy. What does moving on mean? When is someone ready for a relationship? Why the fuck can't people be monogamous?

Coping with the Breakup

Don't drink when you haven't eaten in two days. I had one glass and I was on the floor of the kitchen, a crying mess. Ninja gave me a towel to clean up with (I'd already dropped the rest of my vodka on the floor by that point) and left, after asking if he could do anything, to which I'm assuming I never replied. What could he do, anyway? The damage is done.

I hadn't gotten drunk in almost two years. Next time, I'll make sure it's under a healthy circumstance.

We are currently under an agreement that we will ride out the lease and he'll just be gone most of the time.

I'm feeling okay, quite happy in most respects. I guess there is a dreary sense of "relief" I have in that my care and worries and neediness for him don't hang on me much now. He'd always wanted his independence and we were working towards a better way of cohabiting... but it turns out he'd rather just spend the night at another girl's house. Regardless, it was tiring, battling all the time, stifling wishes to call him and arrange outings and all those other things I loved so much. My heart would race for him, I would plan our dinners, I would think all day of the chance to lay by his side next, only for it to not be that night. Acting like a wife, when it was too premature of me. This was my reward.

But then, coupled with that is the momentous sense of failure I have. I wanted, I lusted, I loved, I cared, and it just wasn't mean to be. If this hadn't split us up, it's become blatantly apparent that his moving Down South for school certainly would have. But I tried, I really tried. And I have sacrificed and forgiven and ignored, all in the name of Love and Trust. And I failed. It was silly of me to have thought my relationship would be different from everyone else's. What a waste of optimism.

When I've done all that, who would really want me?

Bitterness aside, logically I know that I am young, and this too shall pass.

In the mean time, masturbation awaits, along with finals.

New Chapter Begins

Ninja and I have broken up.

I am getting drunk off vodkaquietly while he is playing xbox in the living room to my left, as I contemplate relocating myself for the night. I think I am too drunk however now. I just realized that I haven't eaten in three days. I don't drink often but it's getting to me now.

I'm not sure what will happen, but tonight I am okay. My bed is so big, and I am sad, but I will be okay.

Life and love will go on.

Body Image

Last night we went to bed together for the first time in ages -- usually Ninja stays up late doing his thing. I always cherish these things, these little things you don't share with anyone else. So I think fondly of them when they happen.

We have a clock in our bedroom, and its numbers are large, bright, and blue. They kind of light up our room a bit. I undressed near it, and Ninja commented "You have a bangin' body."

I blushed; always nice to hear comments. And then I ruined it by saying it was only because it was dark. I don't believe he said anything; I didn't expect him to. I'm rather glad he didn't and that we just snuggled in bed and I put my head in his armpit, my leg over his and we laughed and talked about silly things like the pronunciation of words.

I am down from thinking about the uncertainty of the future, and it's making me lose my steam. I don't feel sexy and I don't put on pretty underthings.

Earlier in the morning we were watching a show, and he had his feet on me. He was playing with my boobs and grabbing at my piercings with his monkey toes. At one point he grabbed at my ribs and got a chunk of my skin. I gave him a dirty look, feeling uncomfortable about it... for a period of time I'd gained twenty pounds and I still feel weary from it. He assured me to not freak out, it wasn't fat, but just skin. I just got sensitive.

I don't know why these things happen. I feel not like myself. I want Ninja to enjoy my body - how can he if I'm all low-esteemed? Ninja is the harsher critique of people and how they take care of their bodies than myself, so his opinion alone should shut me up.

On and On

So things have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. The past, oh, two months have been ridiculous. But without getting into the mess, Ninja and I are for now enjoying our time together and trying to live as we did before the Bad News hit.

So Saturday morning I walked over to the window, which overlooks the street, so I could keep a look out for the next train to take to work. Ninja was sitting in the chair nearby, playing with his brother on the magic that is xbox live. His shirt was off, the sun was shining in through the open blinds.

"What're you doin'?" he asks me in that tone.

"I'm going to take the next train," I state the obvious.

"What if you sit on my cock?"

Well that sounded like a much better idea. Though the blinds were open, oops. He pulled down his pants and his hard-on got just a bit harder, lying in wait on his hips. I love that feeling of straddling him and my tits touch his chest, and the difference in our body temperatures feels nice, 'til our friction evens us out and I feel only his hairless chest and the metal of my piercings.

I remember, he sucked in my nipple and I rested my head on his collarbone, looking down his torso with a groan. His cock was like a pillar, slick, and I loved the sight of him disappearing between my legs.

Then I could feel him come; it's like an electric burst, and I don't quite know what it is. But I feel it, and I love that, too. I feel him throbbing inside me and I leaned back, laughing at his expression.

"I feel goosebumps," he sighed, pleased, sprawled out on the chair before me.

"I'll see you after work, darling," and, with a kiss, I dismantled and left for the train.

Lameness Continues

Whew, sorry. I'm in the midst of a mess, wherein Ninja will most likely be moving away from me to the Far Down South because money sucks. As such, I've got a lot on my mind and not much time to sort it out and put the juicy parts here. But! I will.

If you don't use an RSS reader to keep in touch, you should. That way, unless you delete my blog off it, you won't forget about me...

Life Interrupts!

This week(+) has been much busier than planned - at my job, Easter is a busy son-of-a-gun, plus schoolwork has been unforgiving. I'll get back to the part 2 and subsequent events asap!

Happy Easter!

Ravaged pt. 1

Italy was great, though stressful! My friend and I had about a thousand things go wrong, including being in stuck there another day due to some cancelled flights. But we finally made it in around 4pm. I visited Ninja at his second job, and he gave me some free treats while exchanging air-kisses in between customers. Towards the end of the night, his supervisor let him sit at a table with me, and we continued chatting.

"I could take you into the bathroom and ravage you," he said spontaneously, with a smile. I was drawn-out from the trip and some jet-lag. Come again?

"The cameras don't see the employee's bathroom... we could send [Supervisor] to do some dishes and have a quickie," he explained.

I fancied the idea, and weighed it in my head... but it wasn't meant to be, at least that night. I accompanied him on some work errands before returning home and showering. He'd still promised to "ravage" me, but I felt perhaps I wouldn't be up to much.

Ninja came home and we snuggled and I sat down with him while he showed off a new xbox game he'd gotten. Time drew on, and I grew very very tired. He'd snap his fingers at me, chuckling, telling me I wasn't allowed to sleep until he did.

The darn boy kept me up 'til at least 1am (I did manage a catnap I think) before he hoisted us off to bed. His movement woke me, arose me. After we undressed he picked me up again, taking me by surprise. I was plopped on to the mattress and before I had a second to think, he'd crawled between my legs and pushed my thighs apart.

Instead of making his way up my body as he'd usually do, he stayed. He dove into my pussy and like an instinct my hands wrapped around his head as I lost sight of him, leaning back with pleasure.

Ohhh god!

It had been so long since his mouth had been on me, since he had touched me at all. So long since I'd felt his tongue part my labia and felt him suck on my clit.

I distinctly remember saying, "Oh my god, oh my god." Haha! How eloquent I can be.

Some time passed, I have no idea how long, and he lifted himself up and smoothly pushed his cock inside me. He slapped my ass, jostling my legs around to suit him, ramming himself through me. I was grateful to have been well-primed by his tongue, because his force with me was delicious. It was like a fire inside me, and I crept my hands up his torso, feeling his pecs and his abs working to move us. I don't remember if Architect Roommate was home - I hope he wasn't, should he have heard me.

Ravaged, indeed.

Vacation

I'm off to a Spring Break in Italy, believe it or not! Sadly, this isn't going to be a romance-filled trip with Ninja - it's a fun girls trip instead. I leave tomorrow afternoon, so no blog updates 'til I get back in a week. I do have much to write about, so I'll do my best to keep things going. I've been neglectful of this blog lately in case you haven't noticed; I've just not felt able to, for reasons best left unsaid.

Anyway, here's hoping Architect Roommate is out for the night, and that Ninja will take a break from playing XBOX with his brother to give me some last-minute lovings.

Minor Interruption

I hit a bit of a speed bump a week ago. I won't get into it, but it was not fun.

I've been feeling off-kilter ever since, but I am getting over it and will be back to normal (er) schedule soon.

Hope y'alls V-days were fun and sexy. Ninja and I almost relived our sex-at-work episode, but we didn't work alone that day.

Steak and BJ Day is coming up soon, don't forget! 'Tis the time for reciprocation.

Those Days Aren't Over

Been busy with work and school (Valentine's week at a candy shop is fun!). Life's good!

Ninja is trying to turn into Bruce Lee, and showers me with new diet ideas and workout plans. We did a half-hour of yoga a few days ago, which was pretty cool. He encourages me to do pullups on the pullup bar, but I've lost muscle and I get nervous because I've never been very good at them. So he's trying to cut out bad foods which will force me to make him different meals... he even wants to cut out cheese, which I think is nonsense, if not purely based on the fact that he is from Texas. Texans need cheese!

Anyway. He also read me a list which instructed him to check his balls for lumps (like a breast exam) and also said to aim for sex 700 times a year, or 1.9 times a day, or about 2-3 times a day when period-time is counted. He went white in the face, but naturally I thought it'd be a fun challenge. Naturally.

Though my desires for sex 5 times a day have dwindled, he proclaimed that his studly days of wanting to have sex all day every day are gone. All the other girls before me sucked it out of him, I sighed, but he defended it well enough saying I had my share of it. I suppose since I'll get him the rest of my life I can settle with that.

Despite this conversation, some time a week ago or so I went to bed before him, as is typical. However, in my sleep, I felt a throbbing between my legs. Mmmm very nice. Foggy-brained, I felt some movement. Wetness. Weight on my body. And I gained full consciousness when I felt that divine sensation of his cock sliding into me! We carried on as lovers do, and in the surprise and intimacy the moment had I have to say it was quite erotic. Feeling his chest in the dark, sensitive to the ears of the roommate...

Imagine my surprise when a few hours later, I felt a sense of deja vu as I was roused again. The little sneak was at it again, having played the same trick! Oh my god. It was great.

He said later he'd come to bed to find me playing with myself actively in my sleep. Oops, bad me! So he decided to help me out, the generous man he is. And again, later, he was struck with the animalistic urges randomly.

I laugh to myself about it, and squirm in my chair. It was fun. He is fun. Love my Ninja!

Sex at Work

Ninja came home to me the afternoon of Sunday the 24th with a smirk on his face. He picked me up and said, "We had sex at work yesterday!" As if I had forgotten!

You see, he works one day a week at the same place I do, then has his other job. We are scheduled on different days typically, but the manager went out of town this weekend so I took her place on Saturday and Ninja worked the shorter shift I'd usualy work. The previous times we'd worked together we discussed christening the back room, but it was never a good time... until that day.

Saturdays are the busiest days, but January is our slowest month. Every time someone closed the door, we'd look at each other in anticipation... and then the door would open with someone else coming in to shop. The evenings really tone down, so it wasn't until about 5pm that the sun went down and the flow of customers came to a trickle. He was in the back room doing something, and I shouted to him in the most sexiest manner ever (you bet) "WE'RE ALONE!"

I ran to him and got nervous jitters. Not so much nervous to get it on, but nervous to reveal to him his surprise! I wore beneath my work clothes a cute black teddy, which he'd seen only a snipped of in one of the r-rated wallpapers I'd made him. It's sheer, fitted, and lacey with a nice ribbon-corset piece in the front below the bra part. It's got a low back which I thought was pretty, and the cut is not usually my thing but I thought I looked decent enough. Decent enough to give it a test run and see if I should invest in other pretty things! well, he didn't hardly get to look at it before we put up the camera view to the storefront on the computer (so we could see if a customer came in to interrupt us) and he turned me around and leaned me against the freezer. He said he liked it though, I guess that's enough!

We were able to take our sweet time because, miraculously, nobody came in. But I was a bit nervous about the chance, oh well. Ninja said he was just enjoying me - no problem there! After a time in the back room we moved to the office (in the sexiest manner, again, of a strange waddle) and he sat down in the chair and I rode him to the finish line there. Haha. It was fun.

I want to do it again. Ninja agrees, said we should be scheduled together more often.

In the Wee Hours

A few nights ago, I became awake. Ninja had rolled over to his side, next to me in the same position, and he put his arm around me. Then, his hand traveled up, cupping my breast, and next I felt his lips on my neck, kissing me. Three kisses.

I felt my whole body buzz and my eyes rolled up inside my head. I tensed, and rolled over. He kept kissing me, and his hand went down between my legs, pressing against my clitoris.

And then he stopped.

I wussed out and didn't make him continue.

The next night, a similar event occured. He moved against me in his sleep, and I got so aroused. His hands gripped me so strongly, feeling my bicep and down to my breast, squeezing. It takes my breath away, makes my skin tingle. It really sounds like a bad romance novel but damn! He is so sexy.

It drives me nuts that I dropped the ball... I have been doing some scheming, however, to try to remedy this.

We'll see how it goes.

Chasing my Tail

Man, I kind of feel like I write about the same ol' thing here. I want to do [this] but I can't/don't know how/am scared. I've been with Ninja for three years now (shy a few weeks), and I hate that I'm still caught up inside myself. It's through no fault of his own, and sadly it's all on me.

Despite my bitching and whining here, I am deliriously happy and satisfied at any given moment. I love him, and I hope I can give him all the fire and passion I keep reserved to my writing and my fantasies. Lord knows I want to.

Architect Roommate is gone for about a week more, maybe I'll kick it up a notch and take advantage of our alone time... maybe

Merry Christmas, I Want Your Penis

Woooo well that was a nice note to end the year on! My apologies! I left on vacation shortly after writing that ugly post.

I went out west to visit Ninja's family and meet those I hadn't met. We had a room and space all to ourselves, so I got to enjoy my Christmas present from him. Which was, as you may have guessed, lovemaking twice a day.

It began innocently in the shower, with some kisses on his cockhead. Then some tongue. Then he stood me up and turned me around, and he nudged my legs apart and when he entered he spoke to me... it was so lovely, walking around in the sunlight afterwards, recognizing his perfect naked body by touch and sight and smell.

After four days of the treatment, I went to the midwest for a week to visit my family, from which I got in just last night. I'm at the tail end of my period and a cold, so I'm crossing my fingers that my Christmas present lasts at least a few more days! He never did say when it would stop...

Also, I have to confess that listening to Lady Gaga makes me want to dance and fuck. I don't know how I feel about that, because the genre is not my usual pick.

Ninja needs to get home from work, soon.