Clean Slate

I landed a gorgeous 1 bedroom apartment in a fantastic new neighborhood, close to public transportation. I had Rufus and London come with me to measure things out, where I can put all my furniture. I'll be moving in soon after I get back from my trip Back Home next month, avoiding the September 1st rush.

I'm meeting people, and conversing with people. New people, old people. Being social, being happy. I feel unlike I have ever felt before. It is liberating.

Every morning when I walk past the construction workers taking their 9am break, they nod their head to me and keep their eyes on me. It's a little creepy, but a little exciting at the same time.

My long-term internet friend Dragon has admitted to me that he thinks he has a crush on me. I expected it to come out now that I'm single, and come out it did. I declined him gently; he is too timid even for me. Today, however, he admitted that he used photos of me to get off on. Being a poor Christian boy, he felt extremely guilty and felt the need to tell me. Being understanding of his fragile mentality about the whole thing, I told him his private business is his private business. But I did bid him not tell me much more about it; I can't much bear to think of him in a sexual way. I can only hope things won't escalate on his end, because I'm not interested in being anything other than his confidant. I'll keep his secrets, but not partake in them...

Another old friend of mine called me irresistably sexy, among other quite flattering, surprising things.

This time of complete singleness have been interesting, to say the least. And of all the times moves have been made on me, I've rejected them all. But, I did meet someone that I didn't want to reject. So, I did go out on a date with him, despite my previously established rule against it for whatever unforseen amount of time. Just to have some fun. But hells yeah, that date was worth it.

I will explain later...

Last Tears

Ninja is gone. The last time I saw him was Thursday morning; he said he figured we didn't want him around, so he'd be gone and get a ride to the airport for his flight this morning. I stood there for a few minutes looking at him before I left for work; he'd lain down on the floor for some reason. I started to cry, and he grabbed my ankle and said, "I'll miss you too." I gave him a hug and left, still crying, to find my friend London waiting out the door for me, ready to give me a hug.

He texted me later on, saying again that he would miss me, and that he had wished he had appreciated what he had because I was "the shit." I replied that I would miss him, too, and something else... I don't remember.

The more I thought of things during the day, the better I felt. I recalled how I felt before he had confessed to me and reopened the wounds.

I came home to an empty house, with all of his things gone or left neglected, strewn on the floor and dusty. The emotions came back again; the sense of this huge event that was happening to me. The fear of the unknown, the fear that he will have taken a part of me that I'll never get back again. The fear of loneliness.

I took a shower and cried again, but once I turned off the water, my tears dried as well. This wasn't so huge for me; I was to continue living my life and loving what I did. I was not alone, I was not weak, and I was not dependent. I loved and will continue to do so. It was like a switch has been flipped.

I can imagine that a part of me will always love him. He is a thinker, he has talent, he has spirit. He was my first.

But things weren't right, and I've accepted all of those truths. I suppose it gives me c0nfidence, or something. I've been asked out by three different aquaintances in the past two weeks, haha.

A Mistake

Ninja is leaving in about 36 hours.

I'm not sure how I feel. He hasn't learned what he needs to, despite him going so far as to confess to me and verbalize what needs to be done. But his actions prove otherwise, and it cements the fact that I cannot trust him as he is. I hope he will learn what he needs to, truly, some day. I don't think he can do it on his own, and I hope he will set aside his pride and admit that. But who wants to do that?

We were talking two days ago. I asked him to not take either of my two matching chairs, and it turned into an argument, and then it turned into me crying, and then he hugged me to comfort me. Then he carried me to the bedroom, and layed me on the bed. It's a blur, but he began to kiss my neck, and I told him to please stop.

Please don't, please stop.

He said, he won't tell me he loves me. He wants me to feel pleasure. It's his gift to me, because I want it and he knows it.

I said, I don't need it. I don't want it, please stop. Don't do it, just do what you need to do, that's all I want, please stop.

But he didn't stop touching me, and I couldn't stop him, my body wanted it, his hands grasped my pelvis and his lips were on my ear, and then he removed my clothes and kissed my pussy, and my control fell away.

He pleased me for I don't know how long. And then he removed his pants, and came up to face me, and we kissed, and I felt him enter me and it was amazing. I missed those feelings, those sensations. Watching his cock disappear between my legs, seeing his shadow move over me, feeling the sheets stick to my skin.

And I felt pleasure.

I finally asked him to stop, and he pulled me up and hugged me again, sweating with me.

And then I felt empty. He had cheated on his girlfriend with me now, and I am a terrible person. He said it was nothing, it was a gift, he wanted me to feel good.

I did. But now I don't.

I feel terrible.

My Palace

I'm apartment hunting, for September. Ninja will be flying back to Texas in a week, leaving me and Architect Roommate to enjoy our apartment for a month and a half before our lease ends. I'm really looking forward to being able to have a place where I can bring people over and chill out and be social.

I have been looking for more roommate-type situations, as they are definitely cheaper. But, I found by chance a 1 bedroom that is only slightly out of my range.. and it has switched me on to having my own, private space. I had a deep fear of loneliness before; I would be depressed, sitting at my desk all day long with no one to talk to, to interact with. More connected to, no one to love me, no one to touch. No one to confide in.

But I made it so long without the security I thought I had, in reality. I was lonely with Ninja, desperate to feel unlonely, so I tried to spend all my time with him. Counterproductive, yes. And now that I am breaking out, I love myself in my free time, and I love going out and hanging out whenever I wish to with whomever I wish to. I don't feel lonely at all.

I can have my own place on my own terms, and enjoy being there. I can walk around naked without fearing a roommate sighting. I can invite people over for drinks, for a night of fun. For something casual, for something serious. It can be my temple, or my festival square.

And it will be MINE. I will not live with a significant other again. I will establish myself as an independent woman, because it feels damn good. I can invite a man inside, yes. But it will be a long time before I share myself again. I think that's a good thing.

I was naiive.

He Came Clean

Be prepared for an emotion-driven post.

Ninja came clean to me this morning. Two days ago I'd asked him on a whim why he'd strung me along for so long, but he gave me no truthful answer as I had suspected.

Then, this morning, he woke me up with red, wet eyes. He said, "You wanted to know why I strung you along, now I will tell you..."

He explained to me from the beginning his antics. The situation turned out to be worse than I had thought, which is unsettling as it was bad enough. I started off as another girl to cheat on his other girlfriend with; then he fell in love with me because I was perfect, and then he picked me apart and found other girls without my flaws, because I was not making him happy anymore. And then he turned me into the previous girlfriend, a safety net for himself.

He uses women to make himself happy, and he does not know how to be happy himself.

I was glad that he told me these things; all I wanted from him was the truth. I knew all along things were not right, but I brainwashed myself. I wanted so badly to believe his words.

He feels lost, lonely, and scared. The Other Woman is another one that he has fallen in love with, but they're going to have to break up because they are moving out of New England. He wants things to work with her. He wondered if things would work with me one day, because apparently he loves me and didn't regret giving me a ring and telling me he loved me every day for years on end.

I was upset that he started to feel, to let his emotions be noticed, and that he felt guilt. He needs to feel guilty for what he did; otherwise, he would be a sociopath. But then he went backwards and said he wanted to do things for The Other Woman, to try to be with her. I said, "You are starting the cycle all over again. Just leave; forget her, forget me, and learn to love yourself."

After our conversation, I realized that my body had betrayed me. I hate myself for being attracted to him, when he has done me so much wrong. But I went a long, long time knowing these things and was always attracted to him. But now, with it in the open, I feel stupid that I could still find it in myself to want his touch. I am an idiot.

I masturbated this evening, and he came into my fantasy. He stayed there, 'til the end, and I cried after my orgasm subsided. He doesn't want me; I was a convenience for him. He could have had my body every day, but he still didn't enjoy me enough to be mine.

I wish I could have someone's touch, sometimes. I don't want someone to love me. I don't want someone to say that they love me. I don't want someone to lie to me. I just want someone to make my body feel good; to make my body feel right. Don't talk to me, don't confuse me, just touch me.

I can't have it, and I know I shouldn't. I just... I wish my body wasn't so sensitive to eroticism. I wish my body would turn off for now, because nobody will have me and treat me right.

But I am a sexual creature. I always have been. I don't need someone else to make me happy... I just wish I could satisfy my nature.

The Museum of Sex, NYC

I just got back from a trip to NYC! It was lovely and I had an absolute blast with my friend London.

One of the stops we made was to the Museum of Sex. It was an interesting place, definitely one of the highlights.

The entrance is their store, filled with magnets, condoms, and books. There is a leather pillow with a cock impression on it, which I thought would be pretty sweet but actually seemed poorly made. I ended up getting some plates with some sex pin-up silhouettes on it, and London got a condom lollypop and some little touristy things. The books were many and varied, though I didn't see anything I particularly wanted. The sex toy selection was minimal, but that was alright. Their shirts, which I would have loved to have purchased, just weren't cool or clever enough to warrant. Disappointed in that.

We got our tickets and moved into the first exhibition, which was on moving image. Basically, three rooms filled with tv screens streaming porn, intimate scenes in movies, sexy commercials, and what have you. It was fascinating (yes, I read all the captions) and rather exciting to be in a room filled with people, watching people fuck. It was like an orgy that wasn't happening. There were some rambunctious people making light of the situation, but most seemed to be enjoying it on a scholarly level. No boners walking around, but I was feeling the effects of things pretty quickly. Being in public, of course, I just walked on to continue reading...

The next exhibition was all about condoms, or rubbers as they are also called. It was also pretty interesting and quite informative. Displays of all the packaging, histories, a long movie from Trojan on all the fun things they do to make sure you don't get spermies running rampant. They had a nice section on STIs which was a mood-killer.

There was a room filled with sex dolls, outfits, and fine art. Drawings by picasso, nude photography, and other things. Writings by burlesque dancers and French postcards. It was a nice collection. Some of the dolls you could touch... I refrained. They also had a bunch on Hentai and all that anime stuff, along with some robots. Some leather suits and latex. Some hot, some not.

The last exhibition was on the sex lives of animals, which was just plain creepy. But interesting as well. They had all about the bonobo monkeys, dolphins, animal masturbation, duck necrophilia, and so on. Sculptures of dolphins sticking their penises in their blowholes, and that weird thing with the three deer all mounting each other. Sex is so free in the animal world...

So, that was fun. I wonder if there are any other sex museums around; I should go visit them all!

Plan in Motion: Genital Piercing

Around a year ago, I mentioned a desire to get a genital piercing. It never worked out, for lack of effort on my part and enthusiasm on my partner's.

Now, I'm revisiting that idea. I've spoken to my trusted piercer back in my home state and confirmed that they do the triangle piercing that I originally wanted. He said to me that he is somewhat morally against them due to some drama surrounding the "inventor" of it and such, but that they have some practice with it.

So, if I am anatomically built for it, I will go for the triangle piercing (pierces horizontally beneath the clitoris). If not, I will get a simple vertical clitoral hood (pierces long-ways/vertically through the clitoral hood). We'll find out when I get there, which will be mid-August.

I'm quite positive I will go for it. I love piercings, and I love how they look. I'm interested in the possible sexual enhancement, but that is by no means their only winning point in my eyes. I absolutely adore my nipple piercings and expect to have the same results with this one. It makes me feel... true to myself. It's something you can't get from just looking at me - you have to know me. People may look at me, but they don't know me. Plus, they look fucking awesome.

I could only hope to find a guy with piercings of his own, though I'm guessing I'll never encounter it. One of my friends, Pyro, had a Prince Albert for a short period before taking it out, but he's the only guy I know that's badass enough to do that.

I hope to have a partner who will enjoy giving me oral sex, or at least one that won't tell me to my face that they think my vulva is ugly. Maybe this is subconsciously part of my reason for getting it; I don't know. I have been told once by a lesbian friend that my vulva was beautiful; but women tend to be that way, don't they? Regardless... I love my breasts that much more after having them pierced, and having them played with is much more fun. I love my clit, and maybe this will make it more fun for both parties, too.

Waiting for a couple friends to respond if they'd like to come with me to get it done, to hold my hand! Haha. Nipples didn't hurt, nor did the nostril, but I'm not going to make assumptions about this territory. Especially with the triangle, uhhh, that's a lot of flesh!

I feel sort of vain... but I love my body sometimes. If I more vain, I'd post a pic. I'm too shy and nervous though.

I want this piercing done so badly! Hurry up, August, hurry up.