Here's to 100 More!

100th post!

And what a journey it has been! I've let out my insecurities, my wishes, my thoughts. And I've even still held back more. I've been greatly pleased having this blog, and having a couple readers that enjoy it enough to tell me so.

Speaking of you, dear readers, what do you like to read? Should I tell more stories? I won't ever get into writing explicit things too much, but is that why you are here? Should my posts be more structured like a typical blog, instead of diary-esque? Or should I just do whatever the hell I want? Please, comment or email me your thoughts. I'm going through everything in my life and restructuring it all, and while I'm at it I may as well see what you friendlies would like to see me do. Tricks, I do tricks for money.

Today, in itself, has been a profound day. I feel refreshed, renewed, and reenergized. I've shed a lot of old skin today, and I am grateful for it. To top it off, I think I look pretty damn good!

Thank you for everything!

Love's Residue

Being busy is a great distraction, but there are quiet times where my mind opens up and I think, analyze, and mourn.

He lied to me, but I loved him. He cheated on me, and I still wanted to love him. Now he has abruptly decided to not speak to me, and I have no idea why, and I still want to love him.

Our relationship was not healthy, and would not have lasted as it was - I see it now. But I miss my friend. I miss the security I felt. I miss the promise that he would always be there for me, and that I could always call him. I miss him wanting me, craving me, touching me, kissing me.

It's dead, now. I will miss the memories and the illusion it was. I will get over it. I will guard my heart and not give away my secrets anymore.

It's been three weeks, and it feels like yesterday.

Hormones...

At the tail end of my period, now. It was light this time around - I wonder if it is stress-related.

I wonder what things in my body are hormone related. I've never had PMS (I guess sometimes, but not characteristically), and my sex drive never rose during my period as many women report. If anything, Ninja always seemed to be keen on me while I happened to be mensturating, which was a funny thing. But I've always felt relatively steady emotionally, despite whatever cycles actually exist.

My libido has, in my time with Ninja, been in a high gear. Always. Was that related to hormones? What was I like before him? I guess. I masturbated often, looked at some porn, etc. etc. It was different when he came along, though. Is there some connection that is made with another person of the opposite sex? I should look these things up.

Currently, I don't think about sex so much. It still crops up, but it's too fresh to really think about. Instead, I keep busy. This is a part of the healing process I suppose. Stress affects everything, the bitch that it is. And I try to ignore things in retaliation, and hope they will turn out okay somehow.

Back to the Music

I went to a show last night with a new friend, Shades, and some of his buddies. It was a show featuring a few bands in a club, I knew one of the bands. This was a part of my effort to go out and do things, instead of just saying I want to. It's always been a problem for me, and now that I'm single not buying groceries for two, I may as well enjoy the hot summer nights somewhere other than the apartment.

I struggled with my outfit. I don't have club-y clothing. I have conservative, baggy tops, and then some halter necks that show too much cleavage. I didn't want to show too much tit, but I didn't want to look like a loser in rags. I didn't want to attract attention, but I wanted to fit the part. I haven't gone out to have fun in a long time, apparently. Too, too long.

I spent too long fussing and ended up going with a solid spaghetti strap tank top, with a bra. I didn't want my nipple piercings to be conspicuous, even if I didn't expect cold environments. Not exciting, but it fit and I looked good.

The show was lovely. I got a couple free drinks from a few generous fellows and stepped back into the music, enjoyed myself, danced. Met more new people, got hit on by a few creepers. The typical night at a club, at least for me anyway. I always seem to fall into music when I'm going through a tough time. It's a pretty nice remedy, especially when you're right in front and the lead singer has a nice, airy button-down shirt halfway unbuttoned, so you can see the sweat running down his abs. That was quite the pick-me-up, haha.

I wish creepers wouldn't be the only ones to hit on me, though. I'm not even considering dating, but it would do my self-esteem wonders to have a nice, fit man give me a compliment. There was an attractive guy who tried to have an intellectual conversation about how to get a drink at the bar, but it didn't do it for me.

I'm only 22. I'm bound to get a compliment (and laid) before I die, right?

One Step Forward... Backwards...

So time is passing. I'm doing quite well - I started a second job/internship which is in my creative field and I am kicking ass. It's so much fun and motivating to be doing what I hope to do for the rest of my life (or something like that) before I've even graduated. There seems to be an opportunity for long-term employment, which is even more exciting. I feel good. This Monday I begin a summer class. It will be a busy summer, to keep my mind clear.

Ninja and I have been okay. What does that mean? We chat, we'll do dishes, we'll still watch tv shows together, and we go our separate ways and do our thing. He'll go to The Other Woman's house, and talk to her, in addition to his friends, or so I expect. I work and go out with my friends more. He plays xbox more than ever.

I've slept with him twice since the break-up.

I didn't want to, but I did want to as well. Maybe I just feel poorly because he is the only one to give me physical attention, the only one who wants me. I still care about him and can't deny the pleasures of the flesh.

But he obviously doesn't even want me. I would have fucked him five times a day for the rest of my life, done every act he would have ever mentioned, and it still did me no good. He needed the "excitement" of another woman, his own words. I wanted him every day, but he didn't want me.

Ugh. I'm going through the post-breakup thing, which I'm not very good at. I'm happy to be meeting other people and staying busy. What does moving on mean? When is someone ready for a relationship? Why the fuck can't people be monogamous?

Coping with the Breakup

Don't drink when you haven't eaten in two days. I had one glass and I was on the floor of the kitchen, a crying mess. Ninja gave me a towel to clean up with (I'd already dropped the rest of my vodka on the floor by that point) and left, after asking if he could do anything, to which I'm assuming I never replied. What could he do, anyway? The damage is done.

I hadn't gotten drunk in almost two years. Next time, I'll make sure it's under a healthy circumstance.

We are currently under an agreement that we will ride out the lease and he'll just be gone most of the time.

I'm feeling okay, quite happy in most respects. I guess there is a dreary sense of "relief" I have in that my care and worries and neediness for him don't hang on me much now. He'd always wanted his independence and we were working towards a better way of cohabiting... but it turns out he'd rather just spend the night at another girl's house. Regardless, it was tiring, battling all the time, stifling wishes to call him and arrange outings and all those other things I loved so much. My heart would race for him, I would plan our dinners, I would think all day of the chance to lay by his side next, only for it to not be that night. Acting like a wife, when it was too premature of me. This was my reward.

But then, coupled with that is the momentous sense of failure I have. I wanted, I lusted, I loved, I cared, and it just wasn't mean to be. If this hadn't split us up, it's become blatantly apparent that his moving Down South for school certainly would have. But I tried, I really tried. And I have sacrificed and forgiven and ignored, all in the name of Love and Trust. And I failed. It was silly of me to have thought my relationship would be different from everyone else's. What a waste of optimism.

When I've done all that, who would really want me?

Bitterness aside, logically I know that I am young, and this too shall pass.

In the mean time, masturbation awaits, along with finals.

New Chapter Begins

Ninja and I have broken up.

I am getting drunk off vodkaquietly while he is playing xbox in the living room to my left, as I contemplate relocating myself for the night. I think I am too drunk however now. I just realized that I haven't eaten in three days. I don't drink often but it's getting to me now.

I'm not sure what will happen, but tonight I am okay. My bed is so big, and I am sad, but I will be okay.

Life and love will go on.

Body Image

Last night we went to bed together for the first time in ages -- usually Ninja stays up late doing his thing. I always cherish these things, these little things you don't share with anyone else. So I think fondly of them when they happen.

We have a clock in our bedroom, and its numbers are large, bright, and blue. They kind of light up our room a bit. I undressed near it, and Ninja commented "You have a bangin' body."

I blushed; always nice to hear comments. And then I ruined it by saying it was only because it was dark. I don't believe he said anything; I didn't expect him to. I'm rather glad he didn't and that we just snuggled in bed and I put my head in his armpit, my leg over his and we laughed and talked about silly things like the pronunciation of words.

I am down from thinking about the uncertainty of the future, and it's making me lose my steam. I don't feel sexy and I don't put on pretty underthings.

Earlier in the morning we were watching a show, and he had his feet on me. He was playing with my boobs and grabbing at my piercings with his monkey toes. At one point he grabbed at my ribs and got a chunk of my skin. I gave him a dirty look, feeling uncomfortable about it... for a period of time I'd gained twenty pounds and I still feel weary from it. He assured me to not freak out, it wasn't fat, but just skin. I just got sensitive.

I don't know why these things happen. I feel not like myself. I want Ninja to enjoy my body - how can he if I'm all low-esteemed? Ninja is the harsher critique of people and how they take care of their bodies than myself, so his opinion alone should shut me up.